Warning: Liberals will be offended and Conservatives will enjoy this.....

[chippers21]

subject: The History of Man

The division of the human family into its two distinct branches occurred

some 10,000 years ago, a few hundred years after the flood. Humans

coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.

In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This

epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and

the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct

subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning

of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been

invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery.

That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days killing animals to barbeque at night while

they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative

movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to

live off conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing

women's work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the

beginning of the liberal movement. Later, some of the liberals actually

became women.

Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of

group therapy and democratic voting to see how to divide the beer and

meat that the conservatives provided. Women were not interested in

democracy at that time because most of them were still women back then,

and the conservatives fed them.

Conservatives are symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal

on earth. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer

white wine or foreign water in a bottle. They eat raw fish but like

their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and french food are on liberal

menus. Their women have more testosterone than the men. Liberals like

deviant sex and want others to like it too. Their first successful city

governments were Sodom and Gomorrah.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, and group

therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule

in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still provide

for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,

lumber jacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers,

corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works

productively outside of government. Conservatives who own companies

hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals do not produce anything. They like to "govern" the producers

and decide what is to be done with the production. Liberals believe

Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the

liberals just stayed in Europe when conservatives were coming to

America.

Conservatives have principles, believe in a Creator, and the rule of

law. They practice charity and give to the poor, normally through their

churches. When in doubt on an issue, they check both the Bible and the

Constitution, which they use as a constant reference in a changing

world. They believe in the concept of truth.

Liberals do not have principles, except for their dedication to stealing

production of conservatives and undermining principled references such

as the Bible and the Constitution. They are never in doubt on an issue

because they always do whatever is best for them without regard to

others. They have no standard of reference. Liberals do not give to

charity. They cultivate the poor like a cat cultivates a field of mice.

They use the poor as voters and give them a portion of stolen tax money

which they vote away from conservatives.

Conservatives believe in self defense, both at home and abroad. They own

guns and use them to discourage liberals and other common criminals.

They provide guns to the armed forces to discourage foreign liberals and

other foreign criminals.

Liberals do not believe in conservative self defense. They disarm

conservatives, and then attack them with impunity by liberal armies with

guns. King George, Hitler and Stalin were all liberals who abandoned

the rule of Law, had no principles except their own self indulgence, and

attempted to tax and govern conservatives. Liberals believe in BIG

government. They think the United Nations is the ultimate answer.

Conservatives believe in the rule of law and when sitting on juries,

convict common criminals and acquit fellow conservatives who have been

charged by liberals. When serving in the armed forces, they shoot

liberals from other countries who want to govern our country.

Conservatives know the difference between a common-sense law and a

bone-headed statute passed by some liberal from Mass. When sitting on

juries, they do not enforce bone-headed statutes, and don't explain

their reasons.

Liberals only believe in whatever laws are appealing to them, such as

the privilege of making a living by taxing conservatives. When sitting

on juries, liberals convict producers and acquit liberals and other

common criminals. Modern Judges are mostly liberals as they do not

produce anything except chaos, and are paid with confiscated tax money.

They consider it against the law to reference any source of law such as

the Bible or Constitution. Like other liberals, they just make it up as

they go and do what is best for them. Judge Roy Bean is their model.

The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative.

A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to

find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch

hands, and inquired, "Pardon me, but could you perhaps tell me where I

might locate your master?"

To which the cowboy replied, "That sum***** ain't been born yet".

So, what'll it be? Wine or Beer? Domestic or Imported?

[luvmetender]

I'm not trying to be a PITA here, but is this considered to be a factual piece or an opinion piece. I'm just very confused about the rules now.

[twonky]

Originally Posted by luvmetender

I'm not trying to be a PITA here, but is this considered to be a factual piece or an opinion piece. I'm just very confused about the rules now.

I don't enjoy being a PITA either but, do you really think this could be a factual piece? It's clearly meant as a joke, kind of like the light bulb thread, don't you think?

[luvmetender]

Ok, so jokes are ok...

Even if they are inflammatory to the "other party."

But opinion pieces are not. What if the opinion piece is meant as a joke? How can we tell? I'm totally serious here, I don't want to be permanently banned so I am treading carefully.

[mayor]

That was a joke? I thought it was true. ;-)

Tax? Your call...

Mayor

[twonky]

Originally Posted by mayor

That was a joke? I thought it was true. ;-)

Tax? Your call...

Mayor

Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture.

Why would anyone think this is serious?

Taxman, if the Mayor is seriously debating this, this will be a good test of your judgement.

[chippers21]

If anyone thought this was anything but a joke....well, I am speechless. And if we have to be so serious on this thread that we may not tell jokes, it is a very unpleasant surprise to me.

[Taxman]

Luv, it's a joke. Lighten up and, like I told you before, grow a thicker skin.

[mayor]

Twonky, you of all people should know sarcasm when you see it. ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-)

[prism68]

Originally Posted by luvmetender

Ok, so jokes are ok...

Even if they are inflammatory to the "other party."

My goodness, I'd hope so!!!

I've certainly read plenty of jokes on here that would be considered 'inflammatory' to conservatives. I took them as the joke they were; some were funny, some weren't- whoopdee doo.

Of course, the one time it was a problem was when something was posted which I surely thought was a joke, but then some of the liberal members expected to engage in a serious debate about the issues raised in the joke! So thatcould be a problem, I guess, if someone is just in the market for one.

[pandybat]

Obviously written by a conservative. I know its a joke but wouldn't this be considered an opinion peice?? LOL j/k

[ShainaT]

Haha! Obviously humor.
Thanks Chippers!

[telos2000]

Ya'll's liberals must be different from ours. Willie Nelson is the poster boy for Texas liberals. I don't think Willie drinks wine and goes to "fu-fu" (Texan for fancy) diners (Texan for restaurants.) I am not even sure he knows what soap is. Most of our liberals are called that because of their liberal application of self-medication (pick your poison.)




editorial note: this is supposed to be funny so you can laugh now.

[Rockabillie]

Your wish is my command...

[chippers21]

Rockabillie mad? LOL
I intended this entire thread as a joke. And you cannot say I did not warn you with the subject.
It is exactly as I said, Conservatives would find it humerous and Liberals would be insulted, simply because we view things completely opposite in most cases. If you come up with similar "Liberal" humor it is fine with me. I will not like it because I will not see it from your viewpoint.