Boyfriends pics of deceased wife

[oceangirly1964]

Hi ,

I am asking help of others or advice. My boyfriend had lost his wife Feb 2006 we started dating shortly after. He is 51and I am 43. We are having so much fun traveling and enjoying eachother and life.They where married for 10 years together for 30. She died of breast cancer. They have lived in seperate rooms for 5 years. Now the kicker. I have kids as he. All older the last are 17 girls. We only stay together when we travel. So he asks me to stay at his house but I am allergic to his cat. Plus I cannot get over the ackwardness of his family pics that are up when you come in . Him and her . Her candle on the tv. The goodbye letter on the livingroom table from a friend, There wedding pic. He finally removed some of the clothes from the closet. I know it is hard but I feel weird being there with reminders of her everwhere. I often here from him how they never did anything how life was miserable with there son that he kicked out after her death. He has no relationship with his deceased wifes family. I still cannot come to the fact that he cannot move past his past . He said he leaves them up for the kids. His daughter is 17 and son 20. I do know that it takes everyone different times to grieve and move on. I am ready to move on with him . We discussed in a few years selling the homes and building a new one. Am I wrong to feel emotional or should I ignore all the history and go on with her everywhere I turn.???? Also she was a smoker so the house has that stale cigarette smell. He also lets his friends smoke in his house he is a non smoker. They do not smoke in there own homes. But he said since she smoked they always felt comfortable to do so in his. She no longer is there . So should they continue to smoke in a non smoker house when they do not smoke in there own homes? I feel this is rude and disrepectful.
Help.
Lost and confused.

[tpmh37]

If I was in your situation I'd feel the same way. He should put her things in storage or share between the kids. He was ready to start a new relationship with you he should be able to to put her things away and respect your feelings. As for the friends smoking in the house he should suggest that things have changed and he no longer wants smoking in his home. I smoke and I don't get offended if I have to go outside or the bathroom. As for the cat, well that's a little different, that's part of the "family" I'm not sure what to suggest on that.

[oceangirly1964]

Thanks so much . I am glad I have someone that feels the same way as me. The cat will go with his daughter when she moves out. Thanks
again for the support.

[jcsaxx]

Lets be honest here. If you were with someone for 30 years, would you really be able to forget and move on so quickly??? A lot of people think that they are ready to move on after losing a spouse or divorcing, but they simply are not. I have only been with my wife for 3 years, but couldn't even imagine "getting over her" in one year. I'm not trying to be rude, or mean, but give the guy a break. 30 years is a LONG time. I'm only a guy, and that's only my opinion. I thought that women were the sensitive ones, guess not this in case.

[timberwolf813]

Make an appointment for the 2 of you to get your pics taken together. Ask him to put one up, maybe move an existing pic to one of the kids rooms. Have new pics of kids taken, do the same. Make it clear that in new home it will be a "clean slate" for the 2 of you together. Any remaining pics move to photo album or distributed to kids/family. As far as smoking, try to get him to designate an area for his guests -- basement, garage, backroom or sunroom -- any available place that does not affect the rest of the home, yet doesn't offend guests. See your physican about treatment/therapy for allergies to cat. Do not let it in the bedroom. Vacuum daily and use Febreeze anti-allergen. This may lessen the affects to where allergy meds can control. When cat is gone, remind him it can't be replaced. Show him you have respect for her role in his life. Do a relay-for-life walk with him and the kids. Things like this remind him that you are not trying to replace or remove her memory, just trying to share the future with him. This will allow him and his children to have more respect for your changes in removing some of the daily reminder items such as photos.

[freefinder]

First everyone has a right to their feelings.You feel what yo feel.That does not change how other people feel but open talking between all of you will give everyone a chance to tell how they feel.

About the cat.Since you see an end coming to the cat staying you may not need to do more than allergy meds for you till that time.Since cat dander is what causes most cat allergies to cats, cleaning both the cat and the house will help some.Cleaning the air with an airfilter can also help.

Smoking in the house.I do not think should happen with a 17 year old still in the house.Washing the house will help as will an airfilter.Nobody smokes in my home but I use Hepa airfilters in every room of my home to reduce our families allergy problems.Cigrette smoke really bothers me both my own allergy issues (runny nose, burning itchy eyes, nausa and if exposed for longer migraine with vomiting) and not wanting my kids exposed.My own Father was a smoker so as a kid I did not know that a mystery health problem I had trouble with for years would go away when not around his smoke and come back whenever I got near any smoker long enough.The smell of smoke still brings back memories of my Father even though it also makes me feel sick.

The pictures.....As adult child of divorce I lived with my parents not doing the samething as far as photos.Mom put all photos away or got rid of them.My Father put up every picture he could find from the past.I agree with another poster that taking some new pictures needs to happen.Photos are all I have left of some of the people I have truely loved.Yes, their photos are comforting to me but those photos are memories, they can no longer hug me when I need a hug but only you know it you can shair with the memory of anothers love.No matter how stressful or disfunctional your boyfriends relationship was with his first wife was he still loved her warts and all.Knowing that he was able to love another that deeply, if he is ready to love you as strongly.....think about it for both you and your kids