I have a small (relatively) problem . . .

[monkee]

My dd is 9 years old. Last September, she decided she wanted to join beginner's band in school and start playing the saxophone. We discussed it and went ahead a got her an instrument and she began attending band at school. Well, now six months later, she has decided that she does not want to do it anymore.

Now, I personally have no problem with this. Aside from the fact that her dropping the instrument will save me $40.00+ a month, I have never been a firm believer in forcing children to study a musical instrument.

DD's main problem is she simply doesn't have the time to to practice the 150+ minutes per week she is required. Aside from soccer practice and games (which she loves), she and her dad go snowboarding at least once per week and she usually has quite a good bit of homework.

Okay, so no problem, right? Well, now her band teacher (who really seems like a nice person) is telling her how disappointed she is and that she is going to call me to see if we can work something out to keep her in band. She has called twice when I wasn't at home (she didn't leave a message, so I don't want to call her back at home). I haven't spoken to her yet, but the feeling I get from my dd is that she is trying to do some arm-twisting here and is going to try to guilt us into keeping her in the program.

Now, I don't believe that I should force my dd to continue to play the instrument if she really isn't interested. Am I wrong here? I just don't think I should make her give up the other things that she does, in fact, enjoy so that she can continue with something that she's really not into.

[Shainie]

Band teachers must all come from the same mold. LOL

When I was a sophomore in highschool I was a cheerleader and in the band. I just wasn't able to keep up with band because of all my practices, meets, school events, etc. But my band teacher made me feel horrible!

Anyway - you're right in not forcing your daughter to keep up with something she's not all that interested in. Kids have too much stuff going on thesedays and hardly any time to just be kids. It's good she knows her limit. When you get a chance to talk to the band teacher, just explain that her other activities are more important to her, and she doesn't have the time right now for all the practicing.

Best of luck!

[AtlantaGAL]

Kids in general may get pressure in a situation such as this because they "feel bad" about telling the adult (in this case, teacher) that they just are not interested anymore.

I am *guessing* that rather then coming right out and telling the teacher she didn't want to play in the band anymore because there were other activities that she enjoys more, she probably said something like she's too busy and doesn't have the time or something else vague. The teacher interprets this as something he/she can discuss with the parent(s) because the teacher believes the child is still interested in playing.

So, no, you're not wrong. If your daughter has decided that she really doesn't want to play the instrument, then allowing her to give it up is fine. I would just get a number where the teacher can be called back and tell he/she straight up that playing in the band is not one of your child's first priorities and that when given a choice on how to spend her free time, she would rather do other activities.

[snooze14]

I agree with Shainie. I would listen to what the band teacher has to say though. Your dd may have a real musical talent and your dd may just want to postpone lessons until a more convenient time.

I would think the teacher wouldn't care if your dd didn't have potential.

[Trace30]

I don't think it matters what the activity IS....if the child doesn't LOVE it (like you said dd loved soccer), then it would be senseless to force the issue. Even if your dd has talent.....while it may seem a waste not to cultivate it.....what's the point if she won't ever use it again when SHE'S allowed to make the decision. Now, if you had bought the instrument instead of renting it, that might be different (goes toward learning responsibility and the consequences of making rash decisions), but that isn't the case here.

Just my very humble thoughts.

[monkee]

Well, okay, I feel a bit better about the whole situation. I did talk to my daughter about the possibility of revisiting the issue in a year or two to see if she wanted to try again. She did enjoy playing it, (although it wasn't her absolute favorite thing in the world) and she was getting decent at it, but I don't want to pressure her or make her feel guilty about not following through.

Trace:
Oh, yeah, if we had bought the dang thing (at a price tag of $1,500.00!) you better believe she'd be feeling the pressure right now!! LOL

I really hate it when these kinds of things happen. I mean, I think I'm doing the right thing and I make a decision like this, then someone else comes along and second-guesses me, then I start second-guessing me and then I get paranoid! It helps to know that I'm not totally alone in my thinking here!

Thanks, guys!

[hannahsmom]

my parents pretty much told us that if we started something, we had to finish. and sometimes i HATED that, especially as i got older and preferred other things (hanging out w/ my friends) to what i'd committed to (the clarinet). my husband's parents (both therapists), on the other hand, never made their kids do anything they didn't want, i.e. never pressed them to keep up any effort that they weren't in love with. now, andrew seriously wishes his parents HAD pushed him. he was, for example, a fabulous tennis player, state title, everything. but when he got 14, he didn't want to do the work. "okay, quit.", said his parents. he so laments it now. "why didn't you guys make me practice? why didn't you push me a litle?" "well, you didn't want to do it." dad! i was a dumb kid. but i had talent. i wish you'd have given me more guidance! i didn't really know enough to make that call!" his brother feels exactly the same way. and i'm really glad now my parents made me keep my commitments. it really did strengthen my character. don't want to make you feel bad - every situation is different. how did your parents handle similar situations w/ you? are you happy with their decisions? (p.s. i agree, as well, that if the band director's pushing at all, she must have some talent.) good luck either way. paula.

[bradedit]

monkee,
My daughter played the clarinet and my son the saxophone, my daughter was great at it and but she hated to practice(BOOORRRIIINNG). She was in the choir and just couldn't do both so we let her pick ALTHOUGH as you know Bradford's band is wonderful and in the high school its one of the best things that they have to do. Do you take her to see the high school band play?

[Pipanella]

Originally posted by hannahsmom
my parents pretty much told us that if we started something, we had to finish. and sometimes i HATED that, especially as i got older and preferred other things (hanging out w/ my friends) to what i'd committed to (the clarinet). my husband's parents (both therapists), on the other hand, never made their kids do anything they didn't want, i.e. never pressed them to keep up any effort that they weren't in love with. now, andrew seriously wishes his parents HAD pushed him. he was, for example, a fabulous tennis player, state title, everything. but when he got 14, he didn't want to do the work. "okay, quit.", said his parents. he so laments it now. "why didn't you guys make me practice? why didn't you push me a litle?" "well, you didn't want to do it." dad! i was a dumb kid. but i had talent. i wish you'd have given me more guidance! i didn't really know enough to make that call!" his brother feels exactly the same way. and i'm really glad now my parents made me keep my commitments. it really did strengthen my character. don't want to make you feel bad - every situation is different. how did your parents handle similar situations w/ you? are you happy with their decisions? (p.s. i agree, as well, that if the band director's pushing at all, she must have some talent.) good luck either way. paula.

hannahsmom ~ are you sure you're not the sister I thought I never had? My parents were the same and I can remember crying sometimes because they made me do things. But now that I'm an adult, and know the kind of person I would have been had I been allowed to be (lazy.....I just know it........I fight it all the time even now), I'm so grateful that they did that. It was all part of a hard work ethic that they instilled in me, and they set a great example themselves in their own lives.

monkee, if your daughter really does show natural ability, then you might want to make her stick it out for the rest of the year at least. Did you see the Peggy Fleming/Dorothy Hamill special just before the closing ceremonies of the Olympics? Peggy told about how her mom had to get pretty tough with her about practicing at times, but looking back, she was so thankful that her mom stuck things out, because on her own, she wouldn't have.

It's hard to know if you are doing the right thing. Good luck!

[monkee]

I did consider the fact that she might regret me not pushing her to continue with this, and I guess that was my main concern.

On the other hand, she does have other interests and while I want to encourage her, I don't want to overschedule her. I know one of her friends that does bowling, cheerleading, sports and a bunch of other things and the kid has no time to just play and goof off. I think that maybe she just took on too much at once. Obviously, there is more homework this year than last and this summer she wants to start cheerleading for the kids' football.

Plus, I guess I know where she is coming from. I started playing the flute in grade school and after about a month, realized I absolutely hated it! Personally, I'm glad my parents didn't make me continue with it.

Tami: Yes, she has seen the band play, but she never really said that that was something she would be interested in doing when she's in high school. Of course, I'm sure she'll change her mind about a million times between now and then! Typical female!!

Pip: Yes, it is hard to know the right thing to do. I still don't know why kids don't come with owner's manuals and proper care and feeding instructions. Of course she might have, but I'm so disorganized I may have just misplaced them!

Again, I really do appreciate all of your input. It helps to get some different viewpoints on the situation. I guess I'll talk to her band teacher and see what she has to say. Hopefully we can resolve this with a minimum of hair-pulling and teeth-gnashing!

[Pipanella]

Originally posted by monkee
I did consider the fact that she might regret me not pushing her to continue with this, and I guess that was my main concern.

On the other hand, she does have other interests and while I want to encourage her, I don't want to overschedule her. I know one of her friends that does bowling, cheerleading, sports and a bunch of other things and the kid has no time to just play and goof off. I think that maybe she just took on too much at once. Obviously, there is more homework this year than last and this summer she wants to start cheerleading for the kids' football.

You know what? That just might be it. And she picked band to quit, because she likes it the least. They can't do everything. My youngest was in so many sports, and was so busy with it, that some seasons she was doing THREE. For her, it was fine, as she has tons of energy, and *spunk* (yeah, that's it, spunk ), and I'm glad she used most of her energy that way. But too much can be...well...too much. Just discuss it with her, do lots of listening, and I'm sure you both can work it out. And you know what? Accept the fact that sometimes you make decisions that you will later regret, but know that you made the best decision you could at the time. We don't have crystal balls and we can't live with what might have been. It sounds like she does enough to be a well-rounded person anyway, without band.

[marygreene]

In our school when the kids sign up for any musical type thing even chorus,they and us sign that they will stay for the entire year. Part of the reason is because the teachers work things out for the number of students that they have. Then it can kind of mess things up when somebody leaves part way through the year. Maybe try sticking with it for the rest of the school year and then if she doesn't want to continue she doesn't have to join next year.

[cata5]

We always asked the kids to finish what they started. Lots of times kids get into ruts, too,especially when it comes to the work part. One of my daughters complains constantly about volleyball PRACTICE, but loves the games.(as most do) When my second daughter was 5, I put her in dance which wasn't her thing as it turned out. I will never forget this 5 yr old telling me that she would stick it out until the recital at the end of the year, but she would not be signing up for dance the next year! Now that she is 14 she wonders why we didn't make her continue as she would love to know how to dance!

We also had one very busy year with many activities and that was the last time I did that. My kids now are involved in a couple of things and have lots of down time which they love.

I vote for finishing the year.

[kat]

Mary - our school also has the same policy with music, sports & I think almost any extra curricular activity a student signs up for. They also have the parents sign, and they do expect them to finish out the entire season (or school year, as the case may be). With band, I'm pretty sure that the music the teacher picks is based upon what instruments she has playing and yes, it is a mess when a student leaves (especially if there are only one or two of that instrument and the teacher has picked pieces that will allow that student more play time). Music instruction really does help with many other areas in school - if she's having problems in math, you might want to mention that Plus, I do agree that if she wasn't doing well then the instructor wouldn't be trying to have her stay on!

My husband & I also have told our kids that if they start something, they need to finish it through because the remainder of the team will be counting on them. Both of our parents did the same thing and we both think that it helps to learn responsibility. I can remember having to stick with things when I really didn't want to, but there are so many things that I wound up learning because of it! If my parents hadn't pushed, I probably wouldn't have done much of anything after school - instead I had a full time job while I was in high school, played on the tennis team, was in both the band & choir and still managed straight A's (yeah... push me & I'll become an over achiever... leave me alone & I'd be a slug-a-bed ).

So, I'm also voting that she finish out the year. She doesn't need to do it again next year - but maybe this will help her to plan out her extra activities so she has more free time. We went through something similar with my older son and now he's a little more careful with checking to see what schedules will overlap so he has down time.

[Pipanella]

Originally posted by kat
(yeah... push me & I'll become an over achiever... leave me alone & I'd be a slug-a-bed ).

You just described ME.