my thoughts on wrapping gifts...

[PHReD]

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas,
when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar, Balthasar and Herb -- went to see the
baby Jesus, and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him
gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an
important, yet often-overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of
wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so:

"And lo, the gifts WERE inside 600 square cubits of paper.

"And the paper WAS festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman.

"And Joseph WAS going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she
saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!'

"And Joseph DID rolleth his eyeballs.

"And the baby Jesus WAS more interested in the paper than, for example, the
frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first
Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those
gifts had two important characteristics:

1. They were wise.

2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting
paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my
opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two
guys I know. One is my son, Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a
gift is, quote, "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there
when the person opens it." The other is my friend Gene Weingarten, who told
me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than
15 seconds per gift.

"No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene
said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can
never COMPLETELY wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards
and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a
regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can
still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this
sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field
of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by
Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper,
she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually LIKES
wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps
the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of
mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills -- like having babies
-- that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am
presenting:


GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN

* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the
recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim
that it's myrrh.

* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make
your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in
half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid
starch. They must be smoking crack.

* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put
it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This
creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient
on Christmas morning:

YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?

YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!

YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.

YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!

YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.

YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or
how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of
year, is that you save the receipt.

[wss4]

ROFL
Thanks PHReD!

This is just what I needed to read as I am sitting here looking at the floor to ceiling stack of gifts that I only have 5 days to WRAP!!!!

[PHReD]

Yeah... I gotta go wrap tonight too...
Not looking forward to it

[telos2000]

Just wondering PHReD, can you say plagiarism?

[Mouse7088]

Originally posted by telos2000
Just wondering PHReD, can you say plagiarism?

Anyone who knows PHReD knows this was just a "pass on"..

"One is my son, Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a
gift is, quote, "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there
when the person opens it." The other is my friend Gene Weingarten, who told
me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than
15 seconds per gift."

He doesn't have a SON, altho he may have a friend named Gene. LOL! Unless PHReD IS living a double life

This was a hoot PHReD..I think I saw it a couple of years ago when I was internet bound..haven't seen it around in awhile. I also need to share this w/ Kenny. It really is quite obvious to see which gifts he has wrapped and which one's I have. I also think it's funny that I don't use the "special" bow stock for everyone..just my fav. ppl. LOL! I have a lot of gifts to wrap altho I feel like I have been doing it so much lately, good news..I only lost one gift this year..a little 35 MM camera for Logan..it was a cheapie that I intended to "test" before giving it to him, but I couldn't find it to take for a test drive..LOL! Hmmm..may end up being one of those gifts that will have to wait for a birthday or even next Christmas.

[hannahsmom]

i'm printing this off and passing along to andrew. last night i told him since i DECIDED on all the presents, and went out to brave the stores to BUY all the presents, and then WRAPPED all the presents (and then carried them downstairs to find that i also had to empty the dishwasher, sweep the kitchen, finish the laundry - whilst he slept peacefully in front a football game on tv) that i was only going to put MY name as the giver of the presents. he'll appreciate an ally right about now. (but he still should have emptied the blasted dishwasher. lazy butt.)

Phred...............Thanks for the Laugh........I needed it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[telos2000]

Originally posted by Mouse7088


Anyone who knows PHReD knows this was just a "pass on"..

"One is my son, Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a
gift is, quote, "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there
when the person opens it." The other is my friend Gene Weingarten, who told
me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than
15 seconds per gift."

He doesn't have a SON, altho he may have a friend named Gene. LOL! Unless PHReD IS living a double life

This was a hoot PHReD..I think I saw it a couple of years ago when I was internet bound..haven't seen it around in awhile. I also need to share this w/ Kenny. It really is quite obvious to see which gifts he has wrapped and which one's I have. I also think it's funny that I don't use the "special" bow stock for everyone..just my fav. ppl. LOL! I have a lot of gifts to wrap altho I feel like I have been doing it so much lately, good news..I only lost one gift this year..a little 35 MM camera for Logan..it was a cheapie that I intended to "test" before giving it to him, but I couldn't find it to take for a test drive..LOL! Hmmm..may end up being one of those gifts that will have to wait for a birthday or even next Christmas.

Anyone one who knows me knows I am having fun with PHReD

[PHReD]

Originally posted by telos2000
Just wondering PHReD, can you say plagiarism?

If I could say that word... I wouldn't have made it through school!!!

[telos2000]

Originally posted by PHReD


If I could say that word... I wouldn't have made it through school!!!

Amen Brother!

[bradedit]

Thanks Phred, I really needed a good chuckle today, this year I don't even feel like wrapping anything, one year I thought I was Martha Stewart and made earring boxes out of acorns(I carved out the inside of them) and gave everybody earring for gifts, this year I sent all the gifts to my moms so I didn't lose them in this packing mess!

[telos2000]

Of course, duct tape and shop towel work just fine in a pinch. Just make sure the shop towels aren't so greasy that the tape wont stick.

[buckeyemomma]

why not comic papers and bubble gum to stick it with? LOL

[PHReD]

Free wrapping paper at the mall and at work.
Just go in the bathroom, wrap with all the toilet paper.
Then, when they unwrap, they can use it as well.

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle I alway say.

[telos2000]

Originally posted by PHReD
Free wrapping paper at the mall and at work.
Just go in the bathroom, wrap with all the toilet paper.
Then, when they unwrap, they can use it as well.

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle I alway say.

Beware of skid marks!