Opinions on family situation!!!!!!

[Brendabutt]

Dh can't believe that I would post this, but I would really like to hear what you all think about this. Dh's brother married about 15 years ago. From the time he got married he couldn't talk to me--not sure why. Years went by and the few times we all got together, it was like I wasn't there. When they would leave to go home, he would tell everyone bye, but would always skip over me and say nothing. When I would see them out and say "hi" they would walk past and say nothing. After years being treated like this I finally said enough. I no longer speak to them and will not go to inlaws if they are there. Now mil tells me that I said something at the wedding--15 years ago--that made them mad, but she won't tell me what it was--does that sound a bit elementary? I have asked dh to talk to his brother and he always promises that he will--but for one reason or the other he never gets around to it. Now dh and mil say it will do no good to talk to them, cause they have their minds madeup, but that I should be the bigger person and go to family get togethers and endure all that goes with it. I say dh should stick up for me and at least talk to his brother and try to find out what the problem is. Dh thinks I should try to talk to his brother, but I don't feel like it is my place. I have to tell you that in the 15 or so years they have been married that the only time they ever come home is for Christmas--presents, and only long enough to get them. When they are here, they are all sick the whole time, or her mother is dying and they have to get back home. I gave my inlaws a 50th wedding anniversary reception last year and sil couldn't come because her mother was dying, and then couldn't come to family reunion cause mother was dying, and then Thanksgiving cause mother was dying--I think you get the point. When dh's other brother was married they treated his wife the same way. Anyway, what do you all think I should do? Suckup and go to gatherings or stand my ground till dh's talks to his brother and tries to work things out. One more thing--bil and I were really good friends in high school and up till he married--it really breaks my heart to think he hates me so bad. Anyway, I would appreciate any comments.

[LocaChica]

Why are people so freakin' petty?! I'm definitely NOT talking about you. If he has a problem with what you said 15 freakin' years ago he should say something! grrr

If it's been this long and your DH hasn't said a word yet, I doubt he ever will. (sorry guy, but you know you don't want to confront your brother on this). I would go to family functions and I'D speak with him myself. If he chooses to ignore you, well you know that you were the bigger person and you did try to make amends. (I know, for something you don't remember doing wrong).


good luck!

[Brendabutt]

Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but thanks for the comment. I am just so tired of trying to be the bigger person. The only time they come around is when they want something. Dh is a police officer, so if they have any kind of trouble they will call. bil called here--which he normally won't call the house, I guess out of fear of talking to me--about a month ago. When I answered, he was very pleasant, "Hi, Brenda this is so and so, is your hubby home". I thought this can't be him. Of course he wanted something so guess that was why he was nice to me. Anyway, after that call(since he was so pleasant to me), I told dh that the next time I saw them out in public that I would try to speak and be nice and that if they wouldn't talk back that he could bet that would be the last time that I would be nice. He was just so nice on the phone. Dh said probably won't make any difference, they probably won't change. The funny thing is, 15 years ago I would let people run over me and not say anything bad to anyone. Of course as you get older you realize that people take advantage of you, so you learn to be stronger. By that I mean that I can't believe that I could say anything so bad to make them hate me so bad.

[bigredmonster]

If you and BIL used to be friends, and it all changed when he got married, and you can't remember saying anything at which he would take offense, and now he and his wifey won't talk to the other SIL either, I would conclude that his wifey is the cause of the problem, not you. If you honestly enjoy the company of your parents-in-law and other brothers/sisters-in-law, then keep going to family functions and turn the other cheek. If you feel brave one day, call him at work or something, and tell him that if you did anything to offend him, you'd like to know what it was so you can apologize and restore some harmony in the family. If he hems and haws and can't tell you the cause of the silence, it's some stupid petty reason and you won't be able to force a change.

If it's just BIL and SIL them let them go their merry (silent) way. If they have kids, do make an effort to keep in touch with them. Kids shouldn't suffer for the idiocy of their parents. And make an effort to get together with your other SIL, the other one who gets ignored, and talk it over. Having someone to commiserate with has to make a difference. If nasty BIL and SIL see you two SIL's having a great bonding experience at future family gatherings, that will be the best revenge. They will have effectively excluded only themselves from the group. If MIL continues to side with nasty BIL, tell her honestly that it bothers you, and then ask for her help in bridging any gaps and healing any wounds. If she just sticks to the story that you said some unrepeatable and offensive thing at nasty BIL's wedding, you will know who's the coddled favorite in the family. It may be that much later in life he will wake up and realize what an idiot he's been, but don't hold your breath. It sounds like he married into a family which is run by the women, and he is letting his wife call the shots about all family relations. Sad, but it does happen.

I can't imagine purposely excluding anyone in my family, unless they outright said they didn't want to be included. It's got to be hard to be on the confused end of the silent treatment, but stick up for your right to be respected and don't let DH keep "forgetting" to speak. Brothers or no, he chose you for his DW and he needs to be loyal. If he resists, perhaps you're due for some marriage counseling to help him re-evaluate his priorities? Hope this works through for you - good luck and keep your chin high.

[snooze14]

After 15 years who in the he** is going to remember what the problem is.....unless there is a jealousy problem??? I don't know but I would definately stick to your guns...not literally....about your DH speaking to his brother. You have had to suffer through too many family functions for too many years for him not to say anything. If you tell him you will not go anymore maybe he will finally stand up for you. I don't mean to sound rude but family affairs are already stressful enough.

I am sorry that you are going through this and don't feel bad asking for advise from us. You can take it or leave it. Just some food for thought! Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Mouse7088]

Ok Brenda..first, your DH SHOULD have brought this up a long time ago to his bro. I know my hubby would say ask what was going on even if it was just to shut me up about it. DH and MIL I would think would want to have the "air cleared" rather than just suggest you ignore it.
Ummm..I have to agree..dear wifey MAY have something to do with this "aloofness", I couldn't handle it..I myself would confront BIL about it. What's wrong with asking yourself, I mean it IS you they seem to have the problem with and even if no one else feels the need to find out, I certainly couldn't handle it. 15 years is a long time to not know what the prob is. It would drive me nutty! I say confront him, whatcha got to lose really? Good luck babe!

[mama2calli]

Ohmigosh this sounds just like my brother's wife, who hasn't spoken to me, or my mother, in about 6 years. She wouldn't pick up the phone if our # was on caller ID, nor would she come to any of our family gatherings, which we only have a few times a year anyhow.

My mom finally asked my brother what was up...apparently we've done/said a few things to offend his wife, some occurances back as far as 1990!!! Silly, petty stuff too - stuff that wouldn't make most normal people blink twice or take out of context. It seems like either my brother doesn't want to get involved, or he's covering up for his wife as she just plain doesn't want to socialize with anyone but her own immediate family...

...I can accept that if she can come to grips that she has a shyness problem or social issues, but to blame my family for her not wanting to visit (or meet my two children), that's just plain pathetic...

...hopefully your issues will be resolved much easier than my family's. Just amazing how people like to consistently blame other people for stuff and cause rifts, or expect others to be mind readers to know what's wrong, or to just freakin' OVER ANALYZE everything for hidden messages, meanings, sociological pyschological babble crap. (can you tell I'm fed up with it!)

...Kath

[Brendabutt]

In reference to another post elsewhere on dod--I still think we all have the same sil--lol. I really appreciate your feedback. No, my sil is the type that during all the years they've been married, when they made a trip home, they would call first and tell mil that there was to be no other family members there during there stay--such as uncles, aunts, ect. So needless to say, I'm not the only one that has a major dislike for them. They lived out of state till recently and now have moved back to the same town we live in. And to make matters worse, bil went into business with fil and ended up losing everything the fil had acquired over his life--really a sad story. But the thing I can't understand is that mil will take up for them for everything. She's always saying how pretty sil is, what a great conversationalist sil is, ect. And I have sat and watched bil and sil take everything and give nothing in return. It really makes me sick. We took their son on vacation with us last summer for a week to California. I didn't think they would let him go, but they did. My big concern was that if something happened to him they would come after us and take everything that we had. Luckily nothing happened and maybe I am just to paranoid, but I really think that is the kind of people they are. And no, I no longer have another sil, so I have to go at this alone. Mil has made several references about all the family being together, but no one else seems willing to settle this "dispute". And although I will think about everything you guys have posted--and I do appreciate the feedback--I just think after me trying over the years to be nice and talk to them and be around them with the same response, that dh should be the one to confont his brother. I do know that this would never have went on in my own family. I would have had a talk with brother in beginning and we would have either straightened it out or I would have sided with dh and not went around brother. Guess I'm like a lioness when it comes to my family--will protect them no matter what.

WIFEY? WIFEY? DID I HEAR MY NAME CALLED, BIGREDMONSTER???...LOL

THIS PROBLEM IS STUPID!!! JUST START HAVING AS MANY FAMILY GET TOGETHERS IN YOUR HOUSE AS POSSIBLE!!! I HAD MY DH WHOLE FAMILY AGAINST ME WHEN WE GOT MARRIED....PERFECT....GAG , COUGH,.....EX-WIFE! I JUST STARTED HAVING EASTER, CHRISTMAS, THANKSGIVING...ETC AT MY HOUSE ANDINVITED EVERYONE!!! IF THEY CHOSE NOT TO COME...THEIR TOUGH LUCK! IF THEY DID COME AND DIDN'T TALK TO ME, THEY LOOKED BAD FOR BEING RUDE TO THE HOSTESS, WHILE EATING HER FOOD! AFTER....I HATE TO SAY THIS.....4 YEARS! THEY COOLED OFF AND EVERYTHING BECAME QUITE NORMAL IN THIS GREAT BIG DISFUNCTIONAL FAMILY AND THEY ACCEPTED ME.

15 YEARS IS A LOOOONG TIME TO HOLD A GRUDGE AND JUST A THOUGHT........COULD YOU BIL HAVE BEEN HUNG UP ON YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL? AND HIS WIFE FOUND OUT???? HMMMMMMM..... THIS SOUNDS LIKE A POSSIBILITY TO ME!!! NOT ALLOWED TO TALK TO YOU...IGNORES YOU IN PRESENCE OF HIS WIFE, PLEASANT TO YOU ON THE PHONE, WHEN SHE AINT AROUND....MAKES SENSE TO ME!!

[kualalumpar]

I would definitely be ticked if my Dh didn't try to talk to his brother over 15 years about this problem. Geesh, it sounds like this is something petty that he and his presumably jealous wife are upset about.

Does your dh know jusy how important it is for you to know what his gripe is?? 15 years is a long time to leave someone guessing.
I agree, I also feel it is your DH's position to talk to his brother, but given the 15 years he has had and has done nothing, I am guessing he isn't motivated enough to do anything ...... so if he doesn't get the motivation, I am thinking you might have to take over, and find out yourself.

And....how many mother's does this woman have ........ and if only one, how many times has this woman been dying?? Don't wanna sound mean, but she surely seems to be on death's door for a long time now.

My brother's girlfriend is snooty ..... and does not want to be bothered ...... so when we are at a function together, I chat it up and go overboard being nice ....... drives her insane, lol. And I agree w/ Wifey, others look so rude themselves if they give the cold shoulder to someone being so gracious.

[Margaritaville]

I think the only way any of this will clear up is if it get's out in the open. DH should talk to his brother about what happened, w/o the wife present(not you brenda) but the sil. Then you and the brother should talk, if there was something said and he didn't like it, then it's between you and him.

If sil is the deal...well, I wouldn't care. Course that's me. If they want to carry a grudge...well, let them. If the bil is not big enough to talk about it, then I agree, sounds like the wife is controlling the issues.

Remember you married your Husband, not the family. Life is too short for petty things like this.

[jen6889]

Originally posted by WIFEY1227
15 YEARS IS A LOOOONG TIME TO HOLD A GRUDGE AND JUST A THOUGHT........COULD YOU BIL HAVE BEEN HUNG UP ON YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL? AND HIS WIFE FOUND OUT???? HMMMMMMM..... THIS SOUNDS LIKE A POSSIBILITY TO ME!!! NOT ALLOWED TO TALK TO YOU...IGNORES YOU IN PRESENCE OF HIS WIFE, PLEASANT TO YOU ON THE PHONE, WHEN SHE AINT AROUND....MAKES SENSE TO ME!!

Wifey, I was wondering the same thing!!

Brenda, Sheesh... I have a difficult time holding a grudge for an hour so 15 years is unthinkable for me! The whole thing does sound so childish. Why won't your husband ask? Why won't your MIL tell you? Why didn't your BIL and SIL tell you?? How in the world can anyone expect you to know what you did wrong if no one will tell you?? Honestly, if it were me, I'd just come straight out and say "WHAT the heck is your problem? Did I do something wrong? If I did, I'm sorry and please tell me what it was so I won't do it again." I would also keep carrying on conversations with them in front of other people, even if they won't talk back. Make 'em feel stupid for ignoring you. Don't let them get to you. Obviously you already are the better person without even trying, so don't change a thing. Wouldn't want to stoop to their level......

Sometimes I feel like my DH's family ignores me too. I try not to let it bother me though. My DH gets a calendar for Christmas every year with all the family birthday's marked on the correct days. Can we guess who is the ONLY one who's birthday isn't on there?? Yup.. Me. And they all know when my birthday is. My husband has told them several times. I am the only family member not on the Christmas gift list - every year they write down the names of each of the adult family members on a piece of paper and draw names - family is too big to give gifts to everyone, so that's why they do it that way. I send them ALL Christmas Cards every year, but do they ever send one back? Of course not. Not a single one of his family member's on his mother's side (except his mother and sister) even considered coming to our wedding either. Know why? His Grandmother told them not to because they would be sinning if they went. Why? Because I am not Catholic and the wedding was in a Baptist church and not a Catholic church and we were married by a Baptist Preacher instead of a Catholic Priest. Because of that, she considers us "living in sin". Ugh! She speaks to me, even sent me a really nice expensive scented candle as a gift when she sent my DH and my son their birthday gifts this year, but gosh! She does not acknowledge our marriage and will not acknowledge our anniversary either. I am still treated like the "girlfriend". It is a little bit frustrating, but I've never met them and they are on the opposite side of the country, so it's easy to not let it get to me.

[lizsmom]

I was just griping about my sil in the chat ....

I agree with wifey...a little crush on you perhaps ??? I was just sitting here trying to remember what i was doing fifteen years ago.. i can't remember fifteen minutes ago !

No, (and liz means no one ) has the right to make you unhappy. I would make one LAST effort to find out what is going down, then forget the whole thing.

I have had ALOT of inlaw problems, and am trying to let them go. I may hate them, they may hate me, but they gave me the best thing that ever happened to me, my dh.


Mean people need to grow up.

[Brendabutt]

Gosh, Jen, how do you put up with that? I can only take so much then explode. Wish I could answer your questions, but don't know the answer to any of them. DH hasn't asked because "he hasn't found the right moment"--give me a break. Trust me, we have argued over this more than once. Don't know why mil won't say and bil and sil won't speak to me, so that's why I still don't know. It's funny, cause inlaws are the kind of people to say anything, even if it hurts your feelings, but this has been like one big dark secret that mustn't be discussed. And if it is ever brought up, everyone goes dead silent. It would be really funny if it was a movie, but kinda sad to think it has really went on for so long. DH asked me if he went to his brother and just said lets let bygones be bygones and get on with life, if I would be OK with that. I can not honestly say I would. This has went on for so long and caused so many problems, that I think I would have to know what caused it all to start with. I was talking to dd the other day and said you know I remember laughing at their wedding cause the cake was leaning, so now we're wondering if that is what caused all this. Would hate to think anything so petty would escalate into something, but who knows.

[mama2calli]

I was the one who posted about my SIL (rather, my brother's wife) on another board - the freebies board I think, in which we were all trying to dump off relatives and "so-called" friends!!!

Ugh... Kath