Advice please on a touchy family situation

Well, this is a counselor asking for advice from my friends here at DOD. I may be reacting incorrectly in this situation and I really need your advice.

Several months ago my sister-in-law who lives in another state was visiting us. My mother-in-law was in the hospital for several months and sister-in-law stayed for around a month with her new baby. While she was there she "helped herself" to our medicine cabinet and took a bottle of medicine that I had been prescribed but never took of "Ambien" ( a sleeping pill). She asked me if I was taking it still and I told her no, that I never took and that the doctor had given it to me after my brother passed away and I was having trouble sleeping. She told me that she took it, showed me her prescription and ask me if she could have it. It was expensive she said and she simply couldn't afford to have hers refilled. Reluctantly, and out of sympathy for her situation, I agreed. (MISTAKE I KNOW)

Several months passed and I was at the pharmacy picking up my blood pressure medication. The pharmacist informed me that I couldn't take it with the Ambien. I told him that I had never taken Ambien and that it had been over a year ago since I had even filled a prescription for it. He looked at me puzzled, asked me if I was aware that I had not only been filling it every month but that the doctor was continuing to call in refills for me of it. Additionally, I received a notice from my BCBS insurance that my "pre-existing condition of a sleep disorder" would be affecting my premiums and because I had not disclosed it I had to forego my prescription card for 6 months!!! (My medicine costs over $450 per month without the prescription card and $10 with)

Immediately I called the doctor, who said that he had been calling in the refills because the pharmacy had said that I had been calling requesting them. We finally discovered that it was my sister-in-law calling them in and refilling them. She picked the medicine up and paid for it. She had been doing the same thing with my mother-in-law. Also calling in refills of pain medicines.

Realizing that she had an addiction, I confronted her. She said that I should be ashamed. I shouldn't mind it because I had insurance and it really wasn't hurting me. Obviously she was in denial, and I told her what it had cost me, additionally informing her that I could have her criminally charged.

Now, I told my husband, and he confronted her. He was equally angry. He point blank told her that she needed help. Finally she agreed to go to rehab. She said she wouldn't go unless my husband and his other sister came up and watched her baby for the "week" that she was in treatment. (over 500 miles away)

I told my husband that to do so would only enable her. She needed to be in rehab much longer than a week and that her husband could care for the baby. We have three children and two of them were getting braces that week. I told him that I needed him to be at home and that he could not afford to leave us for a week. His family said that I was being unreasonable and that he needed to help his sister.

I told him that I didn't mind if he took his younger sister there and picked her back up in a week or two but that he had no business staying. He went anyway. Additionally, his sister chewed me out over the whole thing and said that if I wouldn't have made such a big deal of it she wouldn't have had to go.

Now, I realize that one has a certain obligation to their family. I also think that his sister needed help. But I am still suffering because of it financially, I still have to pay for my prescriptions all because I don't want to file criminal charges against my sister-inlaw. I am being made out to be the bad one by the family now and am being called unreasonable.

His family also said that I shouldn't mind paying extra for my medicine because I make good money and it isn't that big of a deal. My husband still thinks he was right in going. And while he was gone I had to deal with our family like a single parent. Oh, I failed to mention that the whole time he was gone (over two weeks) he didn't call home at all. Only on the day I changed our pin number on our checkcard. He said he just didn't want to hear all the fuss. I told him that I cannot forgive him. He is staying with his mother and father now rather than deal with the problem.
Advice please!!! There is so much more but I guess you get the general idea.

[sweetcindy]

Whew! First of all, your husband has his first priority with you as his wife...and should stand by you on this issue, no matter what.
What was done to you was deceitful and horrible! You are a very generous person to not bring charges against her! I suspect, however, if the family thinks you are unreasonable and nobody makes her pay the consequences...she will only take advantage of you again. People addicted to drugs will do and say ANYTHING to keep the supply going...don't take that personal.
What I would be most concerned with is how your husband and you are working this out. He needs to know that his first obligation is to YOU, not his family. Nobody should come between what is best for your family (husband and kids) that is first!
If it were me...I would tell my husband to be a man and stick by his wife...and I would not let any person (family or not) in the door around my kids with a drug problem...I have had to get rid of family members too because ultimately my kids are my first responsibility...I have and would show them the door.
You don't want to rock the boat by bringing charges against her...I can understand that...maybe you could make the family see that something like that has to happen...she must be made accountable...they are not helping by dismissing what she did. They are effectively saying..go ahead...it is ok to do these things...they are, "enabling" her...I know it is a catchphrase but it is so true.

Just my take on it. I am sorry you had to endure such a wicked thing...and it doesn't matter if you can afford it financially or not. Theft is theft...whether you take from the rich or poor. No difference in my book.

Cindy

Thank you so much Cindy. I really appreciate knowing that someone thinks at least that I am ok in the way I reacted. I proposed tough love to my husband and his family. If it is too easy for her she will continue to use and abuse. A drug addict doesn't care who or what gets in their way. Additionally, during her entire pregnancy she took sleeping pills. Her daughter has had nothing but problems since birth. She also has a wonderful husband who is also being made out to be a bad guy in this whole mess. I really love her and want to help her. As a clinical counselor I help people like her every day. I have offered her the best but she continues to deny. I have basically told my husband that as long as he continues to place her above the children and myself, the home is off limits. Unfortunately, it is a loss no matter what. I will never be able to get over him going to aid her against my wishes. If he would have at least called while he was away it would have softened the blow. The only good thing that came out of the whole situation is that I was able to show my children first hand what addicition does to families. Thank you so much for your wisdom. Perhaps you should consider being a counselor. Lord knows you certainly inspire on a daily basis here on DOD.

[sweetcindy]

Thank you so much! How kind of you!

I went thru this same deal with my soon to be ex...he was always taking his family (especially the brother with the alcohol addiction) over me and the kids. It made me sick, quite frankly...He ran to Mommy and I was the bad guy all the time...*sigh*...I told him over and over...when you marry you leave your family and make your own...and your first obligation is me and the kids, not your brother...well that went over real well LOL
I am divorcing because the way I see it, I was married to a boy, not a man. I have grown up and he hasn't. We had many many problems, this was just one of them. I won't play second fiddle...I like the spotlight too much! LOL
I am making light of this...but I know it hurts...deeply hurts...he left us for weeks at a time to stay with Mommy...ugh...yuck...lets not go there LOL

This is not easy and I don't envy you...I hope you can mend things with your husband and hopefully he can remember what is most important to him.

Cindy

[Mouse7088]

OMG...how horrible! Well, I have to agree with Cindy on this one also..his first obligation is to you and your children, period..no room for waivering on that one. I would laso get this between you and DH worked out before I tried helping the SIL anymore...obviously she's not helping the situation any, take out the old trash before you bring in any new. Good luck darlin'!

[Jaxxie]

Oh how sad, and what a terrible situation you are in. So your SIL was taking sleeping pills and pain meds? Did her husband have no clue, and does she have a medical condition that warrants her need for these?

Sadly what your SIL has done is insurance fraud, which if it is found out you could lose your insurance entirely. By calling your family physcian and requesting refills was a violation of you.. And why did the family physcian not call you for a recheck instead of just refilling the prescriptions over and over. My family doctor will not refill any controlled substances without a recheck the max he will go is 8 weeks.

Personally i feel that as hard as it is and as much as an inconvience it is you need to stand by your husband, he is also in a an awkward position. Atleast your husband wants to help his sister and not turn his back on her completely. And he probably feels as though no matter where he turns he is screwed. And is SIL any better?? do you know??

And yes i would be pissed if someone said to me, well you make enough money, that is none of their business. Well who are they gonna point the finger at when she overdoses?

But more importantly, you have to ask yourself, is this worth ruining my marriage for, you love him? Write him a letter, tell him why you feel the way you do, tell him his actions made you feel as if his side of the family were more important than his own children. As i am sure you know everyone handles stress differently, maybe between work, your home life, his side of family, his head is spinning. And yes it hurts terribly when your mate lets you down, but in his eyes he was doing the right thing. His sister has a drug problem, how horrible is that, and she has young children.

So go have a cup of coffee with him. Get back on with your life. Just hide the meds if SIL comes over again. Oh and btw, my husband went on a job and was gone a month and he NEVER called me once. He said he was soo preoccupied with the job, and at night he passed out, meant to call but forgot. Trust me, he calls now..LOL Mainly because i "forgot" to pick him up at the airport. LOL

I always try to take the attitude life is like a roller coaster ride, sometimes it is fun, sometimes scary, sometimes it has loops that seem to go forever, but eventually it stops. But no matter what JUST hold on. (btw i hate rollercoasters). But emotionally i have ridden many rollercoasters. But i never stopped loving my husband no matter how angry he made me, because i know i have made choices in life that angered him, but he never walked away from me.

Best of luck to you, i hope it all works out and sil gets better and you and hubby kiss and make up. Your kids need you both!

I agree with you. Even my daughter said to my husband "Daddy, when you don't call home for two weeks, as far as I was concerned you were dead". Big statement for a 9 year old. She was deeply hurt that he wasn't there when she had to get her braces on and two teeth pulled. Additionally, her art work was on display locally at the museum, quite an accomplishment for a little girl, and she wanted him to come for parents night, which he also missed. I think that he has really shown his true colors. As for his family being angry at me, I am really hurt by that because I have always been there for them. I guess I see them for what they are now though. I really think that I am going to have to make some very difficult decisions in the weeks to come. I did tell my husband that he was going to have to "fend for himself" financially for a while. He needs to learn to be independent. I certainly know the feeling.

[sunshine93]

Sweetcindy said it all...that is how I feel about the whole thing. I wish you the best and will keep you in my thoughts. Dealing with relatives is never easy....good luck.

[andee1]

Im so sorry this has happened to you. What a terrible thing to go through. But try to patch things up with your husband, I know you a very angry with him. I dont know how your husband is, but I know from experience, that sometimes men dont think that some things are a big deal. (Like calling home, missing family stuff) Not in a mean way, you know. They dont think about it like women do. My hubby has done a few things like that and I laid down the law on that stuff! You always call home and are always here for any family gatherings! His sister really sounds like she has some serious problems, I only hope they (her family) convince her to seek help. That really is sad about her baby too. I pray everything works out for you and your family.

[Chessie2000]

I found your story both fascinating and sad. I also know the negative acts that a family member can commit against someone. My sister is the person I am referring to in our lives.

As for your situation , I believe you handled it very correctly . You also seem to be able to describe it and look at things very objectively . Probably your counseling background helps here. You are aware of the denial and addiction process and also know that your SIL will go to every length to obtain these drugs once she has done something like this to you and yours.

I am so sorry to hear about your hubby's behavior. I do know that men often don't like to engage in a lot of conversation about problems , a little denial on his part too , but this problem is one which you felt the need to discuss with him. He needs to give you support too. After all, it is his side of the family who created this mess for you.

My hubby gave a bottle of meds. to a male friend long ago , thinking he didn't need them any more. I am going to email my hubby a copy of your post to show him what can happen with these proferred meds. You have helped many people here by sharing your story.

God Bless and may things work out soon for you and your family. And money is not the object , but with a son in college , I can testify that no amount of money is ever enough when raising children. So this fact that you have to pay for your meds. totally for 6 months is quite a financial problem for you and your family now. What if one of the children would need expensive medication at some point?

Have you considered taking this case to an attorney and asking about pressing charges and/or filing some sort of claim to force the SIL to reimburse you for these funds? I would do it , believe me.

You should do whatever you feel you need to. And it does appear that once your hubby gets back in the 'family situation' there , he seems to be falling into a little denial himself. Maybe his family has some major dysfunctions.

Be glad that you are thinking clearly on this point. And take care of the children.

God Bless - Chessie2000

[smhop1]

My advice is for you to do the hardest thing and that is "be the bigger person". As hard as it will be for you to forgive your SIL or your HUBBY. Try. Try to turn the other cheek. Try to stop casting blame. Casting blame is only fueling a tense situation. If you sit around and say hubby should have done this, SIL should have done that, you should not have done that, he's wrong, she's wrong, his family is wrong, blah blah blah. ALL that negativity is VERY unhealthy for you, for your children and for your marriage. This is not an abusive situation. This is nothing for you to ruin your marriage over!

DO THIS: say to yourself, hubby did what he in his heart believed was best. Whether you agree or not is irrelevant. He did what he thought was right. Try to remember your husband is a good man who loves his family (you, your children and his mother, father, siblings-- you are ALL his family) And let it go at that- he did his best. (We don't always succeed at making the best judegements in life... maybe he erred. We all make some mistakes. LET it go. Let the poor man make a mistake. Especially a mistake hie is making out of love for his sister and neice/nephew. Love him for this. It makes him a GOOD person. Good to TRY. I would hate to be married to a man who would turn his back on his family. You are lucky. Let the poor man try to help in his way.)

Try to be patient, understanding, and try to be forgiving. You need to be the forgiving one here! It doesn't hurt you the way it must hurt them. Imagine how this situation is tearing apart the others inside. Just let them mend themselves while you remain strong.

**Instead of being upset about how this affects YOU. BE strong and supportive b/c of how it affects THEM.**

I wish you luck.
I hope that you are able to put your upsets aside and support your husband and his family through this difficult time.

Marie.

[chippers21]

Lots of good advice I think- the only thing I would say, and think it has been said, is work on the immediate problem- you need the father of your children to be home with you...

[Trace30]

Originally posted by Chessie2000
he seems to be falling into a little denial himself.

I can really relate to the difficulties a family experiences by having a family member with an addiction. My brother is an alcoholic.

The quote above really says quite a bit. My parents were in denial for years that my brother had a drinking problem. When he finally put himself in rehab (the first time) they had no choice but to face facts. Then they spent the next 2 years trying to "help" him. What they were actually doing was enabling him to continue drinking. They let him live with them, fed him....you get the picture. Eventually, they realized that what they were doing wasn't "helping" him, but hurting him. So, they told him he would have to leave and make it on his own. Hoping that in doing so, he would straighten himself out.

Guess where he went? Moved in with my grandmother! So, of course, my extended family thought my parents were horrible for just "throwing him out" and they picked up doing the same thing my parents had done originally. Eventually, it got to be too much for my grandmother to deal with. Now the extended family doesn't really have to much to do with my brother.

My parents and I still see my brother and talk with him on a regular basis. He comes on holidays and helps out (sometimes) if we need it. He still drinks (has gone through long periods of sobriety), gets drunk and calls one or both of us. I can't tell you the number of times my husband has talked with him in the wee hours of the AM. Even to the extent of going over to his house at 4a.m. (Yes, I am blessed to have a wonderful hubby!)

Anyway, the original point of the quote was to say that family members often go through denial right along with the addict. It takes some hard lessons to figure out how manipulative and deceitful addicts will be to get what they want....and it causes a lot of pain.

I'm not saying that your husband was right to do what he did. In fact, I personally feel that his first priority is to you and his children. I'm just saying that I'm not surprised. He probably thinks (along with the rest of his family) that he can "fix" it. So, when you take the stance you took (which comes from years of experience dealing with addicts, I'm sure) they feel you're being heartless. What they don't realize is that you're saving yourself and your children a lot of heartache, frustration and pain.

I wish I could give a quick fix to your situation, but to be honest, I don't know what I would do. I will, however, be praying for you and your family....including your sister-in-law.

Tracy

[Margaritaville]

I have to agree with alot of what has been said...
I do believe that your husband is just trying to help his sister. I know it hurts you because he wasn't there when the kids were getting braces, but you can handle that. As far as him not calling, well; that wasn't right of him. And that's the discussion you should have about that. That was just inconsiderate.
You were right in calling your sister in laws habit. She need's help, for herself, and her baby's. And well, the family blaming you was way wrong. You actually were saving her...not harming her, by letting it continue. Good for you in doing so. Hopefully they will come around and see that. And if they don't well, they will have to get over it, if not..oh well. You have to deal with you, your family and your husband. You really didn't marry them.
Good luck...and I think you did the right thing. But work on you and your DH. He's the one you live with...

[cashhound]

I am certainly not qualified to give advice to a counsellor, but I can tell you what I THINK I see.

Based on what you wrote, I have to wonder if there aren't some other problems going on between you and your hubby. Granted, this might have been a really horrible ordeal, but surely you two have been through tough times before.

Did he react differently than you expected? Was his behavior completely out of the norm for him? If it was, why did he react this way? Did he feel pressured by his family? Was he doing whatever he could to help his sis?

You say that you have some tough decisions and a lot of thinking to do. You have banned him from your home and his children. Did this situation really warrant these measures?

Please don't take this the wrong way. I do NOT mean to seem like I'm attacking, because I'm not. I have a really bad habit of playing the devil's advocate...drives my hubby crazy I just wanted to give you some things to mull over while you are making your decisions. Is this whole situation worth throwing away your marriage for?

Obviously I can't know the whole story, just what you have written. And from that, I am concerned for you and your immediate family. Divorce is very difficult, and I don't believe it is always the answer. Of course, staying together isn't always a good thing either. I would just like you to examine your reasons from every angle to make the best decision for you and yours.

Please feel free to email me if you want some more hard questions. Some folks around here would say I'm full of it...er...them