Advice for a parent of a 3 1/2 year old...

[Scruffers]

OK. First I would like to know who mad up the lie of the "terrible two's"? My son' behavior at 2 was nothing like that of late. As soon as he doesn't get his way, he whines, sometimes scream. I try not to spank him, but he lashes out when I put him in time out. He begins yelling, hitting, scratching, and sometimes trying to bite. Today, I scratched him back (I have no nails due to my bad habits, so it's not like I injured him in any way). It made quite an impression on him. He couldn't believe that I had done that! I really couldn't either. There's gotta be a better way. I did finally come up with the brilliant solution that if he continues to slam his door, I will just take it off the hinges! That has kept the slamming under control, for now. I know that I need to buy a timer so that he can see when his time out is up, but what else? I really am at a loss here. He is such a sweetheart--grabbing me around the neck several times a day and saying "I wuv you, Mommy!" out of the blue. He will wipe away my tears when I cry and say, "Do you miss Meemaw? I'm sorry. It's ok." These things tell me that he is ok, but I really am worried about this temper-tantrum thing. His father and I are both very passionate people, so I know EXACTLY where he gets his hot temper from. My mom is no longer here for me to ask what she did with me, although I don't think I was quite this bad. I really would appreciate any suggestions you might be able to give.

[hmsram]

Well I have the same problem with my 4yr old he will be 5 in Feb. so the terrible 2's seem to last for me.

My mother will tell anyone my sister and I were the most well behaved children she ever seen which thinking back I do remeber it must be true I never remember stepping out of line once or back talking or nothing....My mom was not abusive at all . I remember only 2 spankings in my whole life.... She tells me know when I asked her how she got us to mind she goes back to my favorite saying shes always said to us "God never gives you more than you can handle" and he knew I could not handle no bad kids LOLLOL (But we did get older LOLOL)
But I must say my 2 kids have made up for that ....my 4yr old is really bad ohhhhh god sometimes I cry then I think "Ok what does he like best" ahhhh his scooter so I take that away .....it does work then as a day goes by he loses something else like his most favorite prized Hot wheels car.... After a couple days of taking away things he loves the most I get a few days of a well behaved child then >>>>> Its all over again
My mom only tells me in these same words "You girls were angels until you became teenagers so i dont wanna hear you cry now" your kids are only giving you back what you all did me as teens LOLLOL

Scruffers it will get better I promise
20yrs from now we will all sit back and beg to have those little ones back That is if we survive this period of their life LOLLOL

[stking]

I agree with hmsram about taking things away. My 4-year old son loves to play on the computer so that is the worst punishment. If he is having a tantrum (like not wanting to go down for a nap or something). I simply start counting to three and tell him if he doesn't stop by three he doesn't get the computer for the rest of today and tomorrow. That usually stops him before I get to three. Of course that took following thru on that threat numerous times before he got the idea. Now he knows.

But don't worry, it will get better!!

[hmsram]

Stking on that counting to 3 deal that is really working well here to so good to the point I dont have to say a thing in public just hold up the fingers LOLLOL
God forbid if they see 3 LOLLOL
Ya know what I just love kids...
Actually they are really well behaved compared to the crazy adults I have seen on TV lately LOLOOL

[ketzel]

Sorry that this is going to be long - I do tend to talk quite a bit. I wasn't going to post, but as I thought about it, I decided to be the lone voice in the wilderness, for as you'll see if you read on, I have a different opinion on how to handle tantrums.

Just about everyone has this problem with their children. My mother also says that "none of her kids ever did that" ... I think that time just dulls the memories. It sounds like the question you're asking "how can I control him", and I'm afraid the answer to that question is - you can't. You can only help him to learn to control himself. In fact, if I had to pick the the most important thing to remember about dealing with tantrums, it would be that it is never helpful to punish a child to try to stop a tantrum.

Yes, I know, I can hear some of you already - you think I live in la la land ... but bear with me here.
No doubt, my method does take more time and effort on the part of the parent. But in the end, it saves you tremendously - both in terms of time (fewer tantrums) and stress (for both you and your child). And your relationship with your child will be stronger and better than ever.

Children throw tantrums when they have a frustration or stress that they can not cope with. Because each child is different, they can tolerate different levels of frustration, which is why it seems that some children throw fewer tantrums - they're handling stress better. I think it's important to remember that it's probably not one thing ... usually the anger of the tantrum is mixed with other feelings. Little kids are often frustrated because there are so many things that they want to do but they can't, and so many things they want to express but they lack the language abilities to do so. There may also be other feelings like fear. You need to determine what's causing your child the stress or frustration so you can help alleviate some of that stress. It's hard to be little with lots of big people telling you what to do and what not to do!

A little tantrum lasts only a short time and during it your child is not completely out of control. If your child is throwing mainly little tantrums, it's probably "something small" which comes into your child's life on top of a lot of other stresses or frustrations, and so it becomes the thing that tips him over into a tantrum.

Giving your child plently of room to move and explore, and regularly scheduled RELAXED time can help! Count up how many "no's" there are in your child's life and try to remove some of them. When you see your child becoming frustrated or restless, try to distract him - pull out a mixing bowl and a bag of dry beans and let him play "cook". Set up glasses of water so he can play music with a spoon - plan what you will do when you see the signs of an upcoming tantrum so that tantrums don't happen very often - throwing tantrums is also stressful for the child!

If a tantrum happens in a public place you need to be strong enough to be able to leave the shopping where it is and take the child out to the car or wherever it is quiet until the tantrum is over. When you child quiets down be sure to tell him you are pleased that he managed so well.
Emphasizing the positives will lessen the chance of future tantrums in public. Don't be embarassed because your child is throwing a tantrum - no matter how many dirty looks you get! Tantrums are normal and natural!

Big tantrums are very frightening - not only for you, but for your child as well. They lose control of their feelings, and it quickly spirals up in intensity. Children who are having a big tantrum CAN NOT listen to reason. Punishments such as consequences or time-out won't work, as you have seen. And if you follow the standard advice of just ignoring it, you can increase the anxiety and stress for your child and actually make it more likely to happen again. When you child is out of control, he needs to learn that feelings can be controlled. He needs to know that you are in control - it's very important for you to stay calm and not to yell. Your child needs to know that you will keep him safe and you will not punish or leave him. Stay with your child during the tantrum. Hold him if you can, if not stay nearby until the worst of the tantrum is over. I know it can be very hard, but just try to clear any sharp objects of out his way and give him the time to regain control. Talk firmly, but gently. I often whispered, as this catches the childs attention very rapidly. Describe what's happening to the child - "I'll stay with you until you're feeling better. It's okay to cry, but I won't let you hurt yourself or me".

When you manage the tantrum, instead of trying to stop the tantrum, you teach your child two things - that his angry feelings don't have to take control, and that no matter however difficult things are, you will always be there for him.

No matter how much planning you do some tantrums will happen, especially with children who are very sensitive.
Some days are worse than others. If you can see at the beginning of the day that it is going to be "one of those days" take some time out right at the start and do something relaxing with your child - take the time then to try and turn the whole day to a more positive tone. A small effort at the beginning can make all the difference. And at the end of an especially trying day, be sure to have some time for some positive moments to reconnect with your child and nuture your relationship. Take a walk together, read a book together, fill the bathtub with bubbles and make a bubble snowman, sing bedtime songs.

And remember - after you've gotten your child to bed take care of yourself. Dealing with a child who throws tantrums is also extremely stressful for you. The better you take care of yourself, the better you will be able to care for your child.

As the mother of three children, all of whom threw "big" tantrums, I can honestly say that these methods are tried and true. 25 years of mothering has shown me that punishment is no substitute for love, attention, patience, time, and above all, understanding.

Best of luck to you as you pursue the greatest job there is -
MOM!

Ketzel

[buckeyemomma]

very well put ketzel. I have raised 7 and now have an almost 13 yr old [I adopted] and a 31/2 yr old grandson living with me. The older one is jealous of the 31/2 yr old and the 31/2 yr old has a terible temper. His Doctor is also a child psychiatrist[spell] and he advised us to try to ignore him if it is a small'fit' and if he is really throwing a big 'fit' to restrain him if we have to,until he calms down.Sometimes he will go in his room and whine a while and if we ignore him,he will come out on his own and say he's sorry. Kids this age are smarter than we give them credit for and they learn really quick how to get their way and how to "push your buttons".Sometimes when he gets upset about something,I tell him to choose a book for us to read or a video we can watch together[I keep the 30 min. ones seperate from the others for this reason]or tell him we'll feed the birds,but not till you are quiet because it will scare them.then I let him put bird feed or bread outside the window and we go back in and watch them.Usually,I can find something to get his attention so he isn't upset any more.I have even played "cars" with him.Or we sing songs.He has learned quite a few songs doing this and his abc's and how to spell"Christopher" and he loves doing "Itsy Bitsy Spider".He aalso is getting old enough to use a sticker chart or just stars. It also can teach them to count,if you use a certain number of stars for a small reward or use colors. Like red for misbehaving or blue for doing a chore like picking up his toys. I could ramble on forever,but I better get to bed now. Good Luck to you.

[lectric]

Wow.....good advice ketzel.

Mine are 5 and 6. When they misbehave badly we will take something that they like away. For my DD it was juice. Now she drinks mostly milk and loves it. This worked well because there was a positive outcome. She still gets juice but it is more of a treat.
For my DS it was food. Only once I took away food. I sent him to bed without dinner for being a monster. This made quite an impact on him.
All children are different and you will need to find what works best for you. There is no substitute for the unconditional love of a mother. Things will get better.

[cashhound]

ketzel...you stated sooo well what i was thinking.

From the time my daughter could crawl, she threw the most horrible tantrums. There weren't any small ones...they were all lightning quick and huge. They got progressively worse as she got older. When she was 5, we found out why. She suffered from brain damage due to an illness when she was 3 months old. Yep...frustration for her. She knew she should be able to do things, but couldn't figure out why she couldn't. She's 21 now, and still gets very frustrated.

Distraction works well, usually. In our case, the frustration was because things weren't going the way Staci wanted them to. She couldn't express her thoughts clearly enough to make me understand what was wrong, so she lashed out. If I tried to talk her down, she wouldn't listen. So, I would just stand there, listen to her scream (and I mean scream...at the top of her lungs) and count to about 5000...lol.

Recently, I just started mimicing her. It works sometimes, making her laugh. Other times it just makes her angrier. It's always a gamble dealing with tantrums.

Above all, and ketzel said it best, do NOT let yourself get involved in the tantrum. Keep yourself separate. Controlling your own frustration is hard, but necessary. Bad karma bouces and grows, ya know

And, this is just my opinion...but I'm not sure punishment really works well for frustration. I mean, think about it. You get frustrated. You blow your cool. Do you "learn a lesson" when you get punished for that? Or does it make you more frustrated? Again, just my opinion, but I think I would make it clear to the child that the punishment is for the particular BEHAVIOR during the fit. Not the fit itself. If there is punishment, it is for slamming doors, or doing physical harm to someone else. And the only way to make that clear to the child is after the fit is over...when s/he is calm enough to listen. Again, only my opinion, and my case was a little different from most, I know. Staci didn't react physically, so to speak. Her fits were just LOUD...lol.

[dunegirl]

A good book to read is 123 Magic: effective discipline for chidren 2-12 by Thomas Phelan. This book uses a very simple approach by using the 123 counting method for behavior. What is nice about the approach is that it is presented in very positive way and stresses not to engage in arguing with your child which we all know does not work and it puts the responsiblity on the child for their behavior.
I have a very strong-willed 4 year old who used to throw tantrums when he was two and I can't tell you how many times he banged on his door. (I wish I had thought to remove the door) I chalked it up to terrible twos which I am sure that some of it was, but at 3 he began to argue, and at 4 he thinks he is the boss. Mom and Dad here are both strong-willed so I know where he gets it from and I guess he has a double dose lol. I have come to learn that this is his personality and he too can be so lovable and wonderful. I have found with him that I have to constantly change things for consequences to work. I used to take things away and that worked for a while, but then he did not care what he lost so we had to come up with something else like going to bed early.
I have done the 123 magic approach with him and it does seem to work - he will even remind me when I have already counted to 1 as he is keeping track. We have started him on an allowance thing also which seems to motivate him. Other things you can try are charts and stickers etc. as children like to see their progress and be working toward a goal. I think you have to try different things as what works for one child may not work for another. I also think you have to pick your battles with kids as some things are just not worth the argument. I have found using the 123 apporoach has helped to defuse some tantrums before they start but the key with this approach is consistency. Hope this helps and don't worry things will get better.

[Scruffers]

Thank you all for your wonderful suggestions. I have another question: When he throws a fit, he wants me to hold him while he's "coming down". I feel strongly that he needs to apologize for his behavior. I do not want to keep comfort away from him when he needs me, but I also want him to know that he owes me/my husband an apology for screaming and hitting. I have thus far refused to hold him until he apologizes. Am I doing the right thing?

[LISA1013]

I want to start off by saying that the "terrible twos" take effect on each child different and i think almost each child goes through something...My oldest son Cam who is now 5 at the age of 3 he when he wouldnt get his way he would drop to the floor and hit his head on the ground over and over again . Now he is very mellow and disaplined...i do use the 1 2 3 thing where i start counting and by the time i get to 2 he runs up to me apologizing and giving me a kiss with "sorry, mommy i promise i never, never do it again" lol...well that usually lasts for about 5 minutes .. but at least he tries my little one...yikes...although he never hit his head up against the wall or the floor, he is very very stubborn (some say like his mom hee hee) and when i try the 123 thing he usually ends up counting with me with a smirk on his face as i know he knows hes doing wrong, it is soooo hard for me not to laugh when he does this...so the next step for me is to send him to his room with no tv (as i try soooo hard not to spank them) after a few moments i hear him calling my name (because hes not allowed out of the room until i tell him otherwise) saying...."mom" and ill say yes avery and he says "mom, i be good" lol and then i make him come out and apologize (which is usually to his brother for hitting him) (yes, i know the little one is the bully in the family and cam is not allowed to hit him back)

I do think each child is different and you have to adapt to his or her charactaristic and handle the situation that works best for him or her (as my two are like night and day) so i have to take different disaplinary actions for each The main thing in our house is to make sure they know the consequences if they misbehave or act up...what ever it is that you "threaten" them with, make sure you follow through on that!!!!

ok...enough rambling on from me

[rebhun]

I have a very strong opinion about your last question:

Please hold him and help him calm down and THEN make him apologize. There's an old saying, "Never argue with a drunk," and it applies here too. Your son is not in a rational state DURING the tantrum and intense frustration. It is AFTER you help him calm down that an apology can come from a sincere place. I think it's extremely encouraging that he asks for comfort in the first place!!

Another resource you can check out is Love and Logic Parenting materials. You can get them cheap through half.com but can find out a lot about their philosophy at their website. I think their website is loveandlogic.com

Good Luck- I have a three and a half year old tantrum boy too so i share your pain!!!!!!

[Julco1]

I agree with Rebhun. Your child needs love. They probably do not like themselves and know in their heart that the temper tantrum was not the right thing, but they ned your love and that is a PERFECT time to explain that their behavior was not right and they should not do it, but you still love them.

[Christa97]

I just wanted you guys to know how much I love this site. Not only do you save me BIG bucks but there is always good advice going around. I have a tantrum throwing three year old and am going to try ketzel's method. That is the best thing I can do for my daughter now is to teach her to handle stress in a positive way. Later in life she will thank me for it. I can't imagine raising a child without the help of internet shopping and advice. Thank you DOD-the best deal site on the web.

[Scruffers]

Thank you! So much! Christa, I couldn't have put it better myself! I appreciate all of your advice and have been putting it into affect the past 2 days. Tonight, I saw a big tantrum coming on over not eating dinner. I told him that he could have a granola bar if he ate all of his supper, but that he didn't have to eat. He was not happy at not getting his way with both. He started acting up, screaming and crying. I reached over and held him and repeated that he had to eat if he wanted the granola bar. He finally said, "I'm not hungry." I reminded him that this meant he was done eating for the evening. He said, "Ok. I'll have a granola bar later (which means tomorrow for him!)." I couldn't be happier! No fit! WOW! Thank you so much for all of your great information. My sisters don't remember their kids being 3 (obviously, as they say, "He never acted like THAT!"). My mom passed away, so I can't get advice from her either. Thank you for stepping in to be me "family" on this one!