need advice on how to help dd with a friend

[dlabrie708]

Okay, I know many of you are seasoned parents, so I'm in desperate need of advice on how to helf my dd with a problem. She just turned 6 and has a best friend in school [she also rides the bus with her everyday]. She loves her friend and her friend claims they are best friends. However, she is mean to my dd a lot of times. She sometimes won't let her sit next to her on the floor at school or will tell her she doesn't want to be her best friend anymore. I know this is typical kids stuff, but it hurts my dd. She also doesn't want my dd to play with anyone else....very jealous of other kids and my dd. My dd gets hurt really easy too. She cannot help but cry when someone hurts her feelings. She tries to hide it, but her eyes well up with tears immediately.

She only recently told me that her friend can sometimes be mean, but now she's telling me all kinds of stories of things that have happened. When I ask her for more details, she will say..."can we just stop talking about it?" It upsets her and I think she is embarrassed. I also know you have to let your children tell you stuff at their own speed, but it's hard when you want details.

The friend's mother has been calling me and wants to sign our kids up for all sorts of activities come the Fall and is so excited that our children are "best" friends. I love that my daughter has a close friend, but I don't know what to tell her to do when her friend is being mean. My dd told me she does nothing. I can just picture her standing there not knowing what to do. I have told her that her friend must be cranky that day and to just ignore her. I have told her to tell her friend..."that's not nice" and stuff like that. I'm just not sure what else to do. I know I could tell the mother, but that is opening up a whole other can of worms.

I have only had the girl over for a playdate once so far. It went pretty good, but I did noticed she bossed my dd around and my dd just did whatever she said. Even when I told the little girl to take turns with a toy that shoots little balls, she ignored me and convinced my dd to go collect the balls for her. When I said, "no, no...let her have a turn," my dd told me she didn't want a turn and WANTED to collect the balls. So I figure well as long as she's not upset, I'll let them deal with it. Well, now I know my dd can be this girl's puppet. I even told my dd to play with someone else when her friend is being mean, but she gets sad and says...but I want to play with Michaela.

So what do you do when you child wants to play with another child who can be downright mean at times. Sorry this is so long, but I was trying to explain that it's not all the time, but I also think it is happening more than I know.

Help!...lol.

Lori

[Brenda2000]

I have 13 and 10 yr old DD's.
I wish I could tell you that these type of issues get better as they get older, but they don't, they just change in their dynamics.
My oldest DD had an issue at the end of the school year with bullying, and the girl instigating it managed to get DD's friend (since 4th grade) to go in on it.
DD handled it by trying to get to know some other kids at school, and it worked really well. Instead of being inclusive with just a friend or two, she expanded her circle and it has been great for her.
I have also been taking her to the community swimming pool quite often, and she has been making new friends there. She even remarked yesterday that she doesn't even miss her "old" friend anymore......that there were a lot of things her old friend wouldn't have done, such as play Marco Polo at the pool, meet different kids at the movie theater, etc. She also said that she thought she would start hanging out with the more out-going kids.
Youngest DD had a problem a year ago with a friend turning on her.....loving her one day, hating her the next....she even called DD "white trash" one day....and that pretty much did it for my DD. She decided right then and there that she was done with this kid, and pretty much did what my oldest did, above.
I would recommend trying to get your daughter involved in activities where new girls are. (youth church group, lessons of some sort..such as swimming, music, dance, area sports, like through the YMCA, for example)... She may say that she doesn't want to, but at her age, I bet that if you take her to an activity a few times in a row, she'll start making new friends.
Now, that doesn't mean that she can't still do things with the mean friend, perhaps just not as much, or not as inclusively.....then perhaps the mean friend will see that your daughter does have other friends, and that she doesn't souly rely on her as a friend.
I don't know if I helped you at all.....raising girls is hard, some can be downright nasty.
Good luck to you and your daughter.

[dlabrie708]

Thanks Brenda. I guess my question is what do I say to my dd? I don't know what the right words are to explain how sometimes even your own friends can be mean. She has other friends. This is just her school friend. She has neighborhood friends and lots of cousins, etc. This is not the only child she plays with. This is the one kid that she sits with on the bus and is in the same kindergarten class. She only see her at school. I have only had this little girl over my house once so far, and my dd has never been at her house. She lives kind of close by though, so we might see a bit more of her this summer.

The little girl's mother really wants me to sign my dd up for the same gymnastics class starting next Fall, so they can be together and she is hoping they will be in the same class next year. I'm hoping the opposite. I think it is fine if she wants to play with her, but I don't think I should be promoting them being together at a lot of activities. I don't know.

I do think I need to let the girl's mom know what's going on. I just need to think about how to word it. Ugh.

Lori

[mayfly]

I have had this happen with all my kids. I can tell this really hurts your "mommas heart". It does mine too. I think Brenda had excellent advise to get her involved in other activities. There are tons of clubs like Awanas, Pioneers, swimming lessons, sports (soccer-hehe my fav), and she is just the right age to start getting her involved.

So far I have never talked to a parent about their childs behavior (except for a few incidents where their child did something dangerous), so I don't have advise in that area. What I have done is had many talks with my child on things to watch for and ways to respond. Things like "remember so-and-so is bossy so you need to be on your guard for that". It is possible that your daughter doesn't want to tell you things because she is afraid that you will not let her see her friend any more if you knew everything. Maybe you could reassure her that you won't tamper with their friendship, but as her mom you want to be able to support her and teach her ways to deal with difficult situations that can occur in any friendship.

[dlabrie708]

Originally Posted by mayfly

Things like "remember so-and-so is bossy so you need to be on your guard for that". It is possible that your daughter doesn't want to tell you things because she is afraid that you will not let her see her friend any more if you knew everything.

Thanks! That is almost exactly what I said to my dd about her friend. I'm glad to hear that you have never talked to a parent about their child. I am not that kind of parent and don't want to start.

I know this is all a learning experience for my dd. I just want to make sure I'm telling her the right things. It's all in the wording, ya know!

Lori

[mama2calli]

There is a girl who lives nearby who is outright mean to my daughter - both girls are highly intelligent and I believe she sees my daughter as a threat to her and chooses to bully her... and for whatever reason my daughter just keeps attempting to talk to her despite the fact that I've told her to smile, say hi and end the conversation there without a chance of my DD getting hurt, and generally keep her distance from her as often as possible...

But your situation is a bit different as your daughter is more attached to her friend... The only advice I can give is have your DD say to this girl (when she is being mean and hurting DD's feelings) that she won't tolerate mean behavior and won't play with her when she's like that and have her walk away - leave the room, sit somewhere else, whatever it takes.

Meanwhile I would also encourage other playdates with other potential playmates to try to broaden her friendships a bit - offer to take her and a friend to a movie, Chuck E. Cheese, playscape, ice cream, whatever she likes to do - and see if this can help foster other friendships.

HTH...

[Brenda2000]

Perhaps you could do some role-playing with her also.....you could take the role of the friend, and in this way you could suggest some ways for her to deal with the situation when the friend becomes mean. Like in suggestions that mama2calli suggested....Perhaps in role-playing it will prepare her for the next possible incident.
I have found, that in my dealings with parents, most think their children can do no wrong....and never got very far in that regard.
In the situation with my eldest, the bullying was intercepted by adults (school secretary, field trip chaperone) in her school, and the kids were turned into to the principal by those adults (after I had already been in talking to him about the same kids). Fortunately, the principal and counselor dealt with the kids, and I didn't have to talk with the parents. (I beleive the counselor did that.)
It is stressful, and heartbreaking....I still tear up thinking of the morning DD burst into tears while getting ready for school....crying about how it wasn't fair....*sigh*.
Even tho your DD has other friends (neighborhood, ect)...I think it would still be a good idea if she could get other school friends.
I always told my DD's, the more friends the better........if they didn't branch out they were probably missing out on knowing some pretty neat kids.....

[bestmidwest]

All wonderful words of advice!! I can only say to tell her (from someone who's been there) that if a "friend" doesn't respect you then she is not really a friend....whether you're 4 or 40.

[freefinder]

How about having a playdate where both this little girls Mom and you are there. That way you both can get to know each other. Rather than telling her that her little one is mean to yours let her see it herself. Your little girl might be the only one willing to play with this little girl. As a child I had a friend I liked that hurt me but I did not want her to have no friends so I put up with it. My Aunt helped me by buying me some books on feelings and being nice vs. mean. I read them with my friend and things got better. My Mom just got upset when I told her but my Aunt helped me change the situation.I was 5 or 6 at the time.

My kids did the same thing befriending the kids others would not. My youngest has a friend who has an emotional disorder, who says mean things without thinking. We talk alot about that he needs to tell his friend that his feelings have been hurt.Sometimes he does sometimes he lets it slide.We have also talked about what he likes in this friend. We also make sure he has other friends away from this one.

Good luck

[mama2calli]

Originally Posted by freefinder

How about having a playdate where both this little girls Mom and you are there. That way you both can get to know each other. Rather than telling her that her little one is mean to yours let her see it herself. Your little girl might be the only one willing to play with this little girl.

Also excellent advice - to see how she behaves in front of her mother or if the bad behavior is limited to when her mother - or other adults - are not around...

Any updates?? I'd love to hear more...

[mayfly]

So what ended up happening delabrie708?

[dlabrie708]

Thank you all for your advice. It seems like right after I posted about this situation, things improved on their own...isn't that always the case...lol. I had a talk with my dd about not letting anyone boss her around. Since school is out for the summer, I haven't heard from her little friend or the child's mother, so we'll see if they end up in the same class next year or not. I'm sure we'll set up some kind of playdate over the summer, but I'm waiting for my dd to ask for one first.

Also, the girl's mother wanted me to sign my dd up for similiar activities so we could take turns bringing the girls, but I really don't like anyone else taking my child somewhere unless I know them well. I just told her that I'm still not sure what I'm signing my dd up for in the Fall and that I also don't want to be responsible for someone else's child, since I am usually running late with my own child. I told her I thought it would be best if we both just did our own thing.

I'll tell you, I'm amazed at how some people can be. She's a nice enough lady, although I really don't know her that well, but she was being so intrusive into my life that "red flags" started going up for me. She not only wanted to sign our children up for the same activities, she also wanted to teach CCD out of her house and have my dd go there instead of at the CCD center. CCD [Confraternity of Christian Doctrine] is our catholic religion classes. I just think it is strange to not really ask, but tell someone that they will teach your child out of their house. I told her no on that one as well. I guess I know where her dd gets her pushiness...lol.

I'm sure my dd will start missing her little friend soon and will ask me to plan a playdate, but until then, I'm enjoying this time.

Thanks again everyone...

Lori

[Mouse7088]

Glad things had a way of working themselves out Lori. I also wouldn't be comfy with the whole "out of home" teaching of CCD instead of the center. Was this something she was telling a lot of parents?!?! Or was this just for your DD and hers?!?!

Ya know...I think I just "learned" something during these first few weeks of Summer vacation (and Lori's above post just makes me believe it more)...I think the quantity and quality of friends a child has has a bit to do with what type of parent she/he has as well. See...at the beginning of Summer Vacation I had Codey (9) enrolled in a Summer Reading/Testing program. There is one child there every year as well. One year I allowed Codey to go home with "W" and play and other times "W" came home with us. The child was "nice enough", but always rubbed me the wrong way some how...trust me, there aren't too many kids out there that I can't deal with. Well....his mom always made me uncomfortable feeling...a "biggie" she always pulled was "Wish I didn't have to work"...well, uhhhh, she works for a school system so she DOES get some time off in the Summer. Then the year before last she asked if I could watch "W" for the last 2 weeks of Summer...for the little extra cash, I said yes. Lemme tell ya, I heard his mother in SO many of the things he said...with the little 'tude as well. She would show up at 5 a.m. to drop him off and other mornings it would be 7. Pick-up time was just as bad. I thought that was SO disrespectful. I could almost feel for "W"...I said ALMOST. Wellllllll, this year I had Codey enrolled again...I haven't spoken to her except for running into her in public or what have ya, Codey nor "W" have been to each others houses since the first Summer...she comes up and asks if my 12 yro. and Codey would like to go to Cedar Point with "W"...mind you, this was in front of my oldest DS as well...uh...HELLO...the kids haven't played together for two years and my 12 yro doesn't even KNOW these people other than what he saw when I watched "W". Codey said he didn't want to go and Logan definitely didn't want to hang out with them. A couple of days later when I picked Codey up from Reading he told me "W" asked a LOT of kids to go and they all said no...or their parents did. He then goes on to say..."Mom, "W's" mom always acts so high and mighty and "W" acts just like that in Reading Center and school. I don't think any of the other parents like her much." BINGO! I told him I thought she made a habit of talking "down" to people and I would almost bet that it could be part of the reason why none of the other kids were allowed to go to Cedar Point with "W"...I think as parents we can over-look a child's "attitude" to an extent, but mercy me, I don't over look attitude from another parent..LOL!

[dlabrie708]

Originally Posted by Mouse7088

Was this something she was telling a lot of parents?!?! Or was this just for your DD and hers?!?!

Well, she is a CCD teacher, but this is her dd's first year, so I think she was hoping to get a few kids together at her house instead of having to go up to the center on Saturday mornings. I guess it is something people do, but I just don't want to get into it. She only lives down the road and I think she was trying to kill two birds with one stone...ya know, teach and also get some of her dd's friends together. I just think it is all too much. I also don't like to get wrapped up with people in case things don't work out. My husband, of course, says this is the pessimistic side of me...lol. And I tell him, it is not pessimistic, it is insightful!!! I have been through enough uncomfortable situaitons and have learned to avoid problems before they start...lol.

Mouse...I cannot believe that woman would drop her child off at 5:00 a.m.!!! Unbelievable. Every SAHM I know who has done a "favor" for someone has gotten taken advantage of. That's why I have never offered and I believe people just know not to ask....LOL! I warned a friend of mine not to watch her neighbors children. She didn't listen and it went horribly. There are so many things the woman did that were so ridiculous. She never left enough food for the baby, so my friend would actually either buy food or have to drive over to the woman's house to get more food. They also agreed that the woman would bring food for her 3 year old, but never did. So my friend would feed this child breakfast, lunch and dinner, plus snacks and drinks all day, without getting a penny for it. The mother said..."well, you don't have to worry about breakfast or dinner, because we feed her those." Well, her dd was obviously having a few extra meals, because she would ask to eat whatever my friends children were eating. I mean, what would my friend do...say no to a hungry child! And the mother would always show up late, so my friend was already feeding her own children dinner. It was just so obnoxious. Then one week the mother said her baby was sick, so they kept the kids home for about half a week. When they brought the kids back for my friend to watch again, they just mentioned the baby had a little diarrea. Well, the baby actually had samonella and they never told my friend. Samonella is highly contagious and her 3 year old son was always helping with the baby and he caught it and ended up in the hospital for almost a week with severe cramping and diarrea. I was so hopping mad when this happened. Can you imagine not telling your child's daycare provider that your child was that sick, especially knowing that her children could get sick as well. I mean her son could have died from it. Luckily, she no longer watches those children anymore.

OK, sorry, I've gone off on a rant...lol. It's just some parents are unbelievable to me.

Lori

[mayfly]

I am glad it all worked out. WOW I can't believe your friend!!!! How frustrating! She is not babysitting for them anymore, is she?