Ways to keep your marriage happy

[3tbear]

This is just what I believe, but, being open and honest if there is something on your mind. If something is bothering you about how he or she is acting or if there is something about your spouse that just bugs you, the way they react to something etc., you tell them. It really does work. Communication is so very important in a marriage, not just the intimate things. It will strengthen your marriage. I'll bet that's why there are so many marriage counselors out there, 'cause people let stuff eat them up inside, and then by the time they can't take it anymore, their marriage is ready to fall apart. Does everyone who is married feel the same way about this?

[freesurfer]

Sure, in a perfect marriage maybe...but in my case, throw in ex-spouses and step-children!!

ARGH!!! Makes for Interesting "conversation" anyhow! LOL!!!

[3tbear]

Ex-spouses, yup, have one of those too, or had. Haven't been in touch with him TG. But no one has heard from him since the floods in Honduras, so we figure he is gone, permanently, perished in the floods. Horrible I know, but life is not always perfect sad to say.

[Juliannaluv]

Communication is GREAT, but whe you try to communicate with your spouse and they don't LISTEN or HEAR what you are saying, it makes it difficult. I am not saying that they have to agree with you, but at least open your eyes and notice what is going on in your marriage, talk about the issues and come to an agreed-upon conclusion.

My mariage suffered, and has nearly collapsed, because my husband did not see that he was being emotionally abusive. I tried to discuss it with him and it only made it worse. He finally saw it when we separated and he left our home. We are both going to individual counseling now to try to work through it all.

[3tbear]

My husband can be so closed minded about certain things, things that he just either doesn't believe in, or doesn't feel is necessary in life, stuff like that. I told him last night, he may not have to agree with me all the time, or believe what I believe, but it's important that a husband shows support for his wife, even if he doesn't always agree with her.

[Pipanella]

Juliannaluv and I have talked about this before... The one thing that keeps coming up over and over in our marriage is that if my DH doesn't think it's important, IT'S NOT IMPORTANT. I have tried every way I know, to try to explain to him that if it's important to me, even if it's not to him, he really needs to understand that IT'S IMPORTANT TO ME!! That doesn't mean he has to agree, and some things will NEVER be important to him (such as finding the right pair of shoes to go with the dress that I've gotten to wear to that wedding), but gosh darn it, at least understand that it IS important to me, and it holds no less value than things that are important to him.

I give HIM that respect, but I have to remind him from time to time that he's not giving it to me. He'll do fine for a little while, then we're back at square one.

I do agree that communication is VERY important. Even when it's not pleasant communication, it still brings you closer, if a better understanding of how the other person feels is accomplished. That's been the hardest thing for my DH...he hates confrontation, but geez, it's hard to go through life without it. I have no problems communicating how I feel, and I'm not one of those that fights unfairly, either. When you have a husband as laid back and quiet as mine, you really have to learn how to say unpleasant things in a way so as to not make them shut down.

[3tbear]

Pip, your husband sounds just like mine. So Pip, are we trading in our husbands for two 20 years olds? Maybe the younger ones are different? For just one example, my husband is against all forms of cosmetic surgery, well...for one thing, it's not important I know, but sometimes a woman wants to have some stuff done, to make themselves more desirable to their spouse, and I wanted to have the lipo done, so I'd feel better, but...I did it against his wishes, and I wanted him to support me in my decision. He let me do it, but was against it the whole time, said I didn't need it. At least support me in my decision, that's all I ask. Are all men like this???

Comon men, I want to hear from you too, what do you think, if you men are against something, do you not bend at all or support your spouse? You don't have to totally agree with her you know, just support her.

[Pipanella]

My DH didn't want me to get my tatoo, either, but he lived through that. LOL.

[3tbear]

Pip, maybe we're just too independent for them, independent strong women.

[hmsram]

We must all be married to the same man... Most days I just think my husband hates me I ask him but he says he loves me but nahhh he sure dont act like it. These days he is hardley home anymore, when I think something needs discussing he does not have time hes got to go , the kids miss him, but that neither seems to be important he is more with his friend and their family than ours we do nothing at all together anymore oh wait he did sit on the swing for 10mins with me today that just about was torture for him I am sure then he was gone again back to his buddys house..

He is so aggervatin cause I see a problem coming on and he sees nothing wrong at all.

Oh well maybe its me if I just keep my mouth shut and be the good silent house wife then all will be ok but (NOT!!!!!) thats not going to happen here..
Ok sorry I rambled on but I do feel better now

[Pipanella]

Originally Posted by 3tbear

Pip, maybe we're just too independent for them, independent strong women.

Well, this is one of the things my DH admires about me. How do I know? He tells me so. He knows that if anything happened to him, I would be okay. Maybe I wouldn't know how to get our 30-year-old lawn mower running when it refuses to start, but he knows that I'd figure out how to get the yard mowed, one way or another.

He also has told me that he just loves to see me in a group of people, that he loves how I get so involved in a conversation and he truly loves hearing what I have to say about things. He is amazed that I have so many opinions and ideas about so many things. Things that he never gave a second thought to before.

Yeah, that's why he keeps me around......for the entertainment. LOL!!!!

[mayfly]

Has anyone heard of Dr. Laura? I have never heard her, but I know she is on the radio. My friend lent me a book called "The proper care and feeding of Husbands."

I thought there were some valuable insights in this book. Specifically on men, and understanding them. It seems I keep needing refresher courses in "men speak".

One thing I don't like (side note here) is how men are portrayed on TV, even in movies. They always look bumbling, can't do it right, goofy, dorky, with the wife there who always has to fix the mess. I have 2 sons, and I don't want their wives to look at them like that. Men are men, they aren't women. When I was in school we were taught that men are suppose to be sensitive, be able to be great listeners. I came away with that expecting my husband to be like one of my girlfriends. He is my best friend, but I have to rethink my expectations, and learn more about what a real man is.

Actually my husband and I were in a fight when I read the book. Its thin, so I finished it in one day. I ended up applying some of it that evening, and instantly we were able to communicate again.

[mayor]

I'm sorry so many of you are having difficulties in your marriage. I used to be the way some of you have described. I am constantly having to check my heart to make sure I am hearing what Mary is trying to say to me. Our marriage has faced some real rocky times, but our committment to each other, and moreso, to God, has kept us together AND increased the strength of our marriage. If we both didn't know Christ, I think we would probably be in huge trouble, if not divorced.

There is a HUGE problem with men being men these days. Many men are stunted emotionally and are extremely narcissistic. There is nothing wrong with women being strong and independent, but women basically want a man who will lead them. This demonstrates love and security for a woman.

Many men, and women, are co-dependent. Both Mary and I have dealt with that. She put up with my garbage until she was able to put her finger on the problem. Once the truth comes into the light, it is extremely difficult to sweep it back under the carpet. The same went for me. It sounds like your husbands aren't ready to hear the truth because it would mean a couple things...

1) they would have to make adjustments in their lives, some of which may be emotionally painful to make

2) they would have to admit they have been wrong, which is INCREDIBLY difficult for men to do. Pride is a major issue.

But I have found humility to be an endearing trait to my wife. When I pray to get over my pride and confess where I have hurt her, she is extremely forgiving and responsive to me. It sets the stage for true and lasting healing, and then we can walk the path together a bit stronger than before.

Allow me to recommend three resources that I think should be required reading for all human beings...

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
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Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend
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and for your husbands to read....

Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul by John Eldredge
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Happy to put in my two cents. :-)

Mayor

[Shainie]

Communication? Pfffft! What's that?

I tried to tell my husband when he loads the dishwasher, to please put the spoons handle-down or else the spoons get water spots. His reaction? "Fine, you do the dishes then if I don't do it right".

Lately any time I try talking to him about things, he gets on the defensive and turns things around.

I'm in reunion with my birth family right now, and if I want to talk about it, he rolls his eyes and gets this glazed-over look.

If I try to give him constructive criticism, then I'm saying I'm perfect.

So communication isn't quite working out right now in our family! But something must be working, because when the day's over I still love to sleep next to him.

[Shainie]

Originally Posted by Pipanella

if my DH doesn't think it's important, IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

OMG that sounds exactly like my DH! He doesn't understand how something that means nothing to him can mean so much to me.