Ways to keep your marriage happy

[mayor]

Originally Posted by Shainie

Communication? Pfffft! What's that?
I tried to tell my husband when he loads the dishwasher, to please put the spoons handle-down or else the spoons get water spots. His reaction? "Fine, you do the dishes then if I don't do it right".

If I try to give him constructive criticism, then I'm saying I'm perfect.

Right. Basically, he is taking the criticism as a personal attack on him. You are being "de-personalized" in his mind. He doesn't believe that you are entitled to your own beliefs if they aren't in line with his. It is threatening to him on some level and makes him feel like less of a man. So he goes to extremes. Rather than say, "Ok, I'll adapt and put the spoons handle down", because that would be admitting that he doesn't know it all, he counters with an extreme response. Many men are unable to learn from their wives. It is a PRIDE issue, plain and simple. (But you can't TELL your husband he is being prideful!)

Speaking from experience... I have now learned that the greatest source of wisdom I will find on earth is in the words of my wife. I try to listen more carefully now.

One more book I would recommend...

The Power of a Praying Wife
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Because when it comes down to it, you can NOT change your husband. Stop trying. Go to God. He CAN change your husband. I am living proof.

Mayor

[Pipanella]

Mayor, just reading your post makes me feel bad that I even mentioned what I did, because honestly, I have one of the very best men out there, and my husband knows I feel that way, too. I tell him all the time that I don't deserve him, even though he hates it when I say that. He has to be one of the most humble men I know.

Even with his 'warts,' it's very clear to me that his God, his wife, his children, and his extended family (in that order), are the most important things in his life. I have never ever felt insecure, nor do I doubt his love for me. Sure, we have had our 'moments,' but every woman should have a man like mine. He spoils me rotten, and is glad to do it. I just love that in a man! LOL!! I should take some lessons from him...

I agree with you about knowing Christ being a big part of keeping our marriage together. We have had situations in the past that Christ had a HUGE part in keeping us together. We'll celebrate our 29th anniversary on August 1st, and I hope we'll have many, many more after that. As long as we both stay alive, we will.

[mayor]

Don't ever feel bad for expressing your feelings. Your husband may indeed be a wonderful man, but don't minimize the fact that he minimizes what is important to you. Doing so doesn't make him any less special to you. But you are entitled to be heard and treated as an equal. You can have your cake and eat it too :-)

Mayor

[Rockabillie]

I agree completely. You've put it very well and very succinctly; thanks.

That's why I always cringe when women talk about hiding purchases from their husband, etc. Besides blowing the family budget, how can you have a strong marriage built on a weak foundation of deception and dishonesty hiding things?

[kat]

I am a very lucky woman - my DH does the dishes & all without me having to complain. He is the better housekeeper, but I'm the better cook, clothes cleaner & housepainter, so we just learned long ago to do what we're better at

I have to agree with everyone who said that communication is the key to a long & healthy relationship. Lying to one's spouse about purchases is insane - it's going to come out in the end & then the other person will only wonder what else you've been hiding. BTW, in over 20 years, the only purchases I've ever hidden from my hubby have been presents for him

[Pipanella]

Same here, Kat. My DH will dust, sweep, do dishes, laundry, and even cook, if he's hungry enough. (And Kat knows he's had to do that a few times! ) Even now, with me not working, he'll start cleaning up the kitchen mess, and I'll say, "Just leave it! If I don't do it tonight, I'll get it in the morning." He just looks at me and says, "I'll do it, it doesn't matter." He's so good at laundry, he even remembers to take out my bras and hand them to dry, rather than put them in the dryer. And he knows now to not put certain other things to hang dry, such as blouses or khakis.

When the girls were babies, I'd want to go shopping with my girlfriends, and I'd ask if he'd babysit, and he'd always say, "Why do you call it babysitting, they're my kids, too." He loved every aspect of caring for those girls. He changed a gazillion diapers and wiped butts as many times as I did. My grandma used to send him Mother's Day cards, because she just couldn't believe all that he did for those girls, and did it as naturally as any mother.

I have only ONCE bought something and hidden it from him, and that was very early in our marriage. I had bought a coat at the end of the season, and at that time, I had a 'thing' for jackets and coats, and did not need another one. I had gotten a great deal on it, however, so I couldn't resist. I put it in the guest closet for the following fall, and didn't tell him. Fall came, and I had actually forgotten about the coat, until he said to me one day, "Are you going to wear that new coat you have in the guest closet?" Uh, oh, THAT coat! LOL!! Now I just show him everything right away when I get home. He's known me for almost 32 years. He knows I like to shop. He knows that I handle the money in our house, too, so he knows that I know whether we can afford things or not. (And yes, he prefers that I take care of the financial things. I wanted him to take over some of it one time, and he said, "No, you're doing fine.")

[freesurfer]

Shainie, I hear ya LOUD AND CLEAR!!!!!! Communication isn't the greatest here right now either!! And it's worse with the kids involved!!! UGH!!!

Mayor,.....I'd like to hear Mary's side of this. Is there really a reality where both people grasp the concept of what is wrong, went wrong, or will go wrong, and you can fix it that easy?

[kat]

Freesurfer, I'm NOT Mary, but yes it can be a reality where both people can agree to work towards a better relationship.

It just takes the patience to sit down and to agree not to yell, or talk over one another. One thing that has worked for us is to agree to allow the other party a set period of time to say what they want and then the quiet one gets time to reply. As long as you don't attack the person directly, especially over things that they have no control like work, you can cover ground and work towards common goals.

And, if it's to the point where talking to each other is uncomfortable, try writing. We have multiple computers in the house & sometimes DH & I have the best conversations on AIM because we can "talk" without being disturbed

[freesurfer]

We can start out discussing things "rationally" but then he'll say something really negative about me or my family (he loves to use them against me...) and then I just go into warp speed mouth attack!! Never anything foul, but just smart allecky things. We probably could use more "faith" in our home. Maybe a JW will stop by....(ok, I'm just kidding....I've been over in religion forum reading up on it ...hheeeheee)

[kat]

Freesurfer, "faith" plays no role in my marriage - my husband does not believe in God & we do not attend any kind of church. But, if he took to attacking my family (or if I attacked his), that would be war here too. But well, my sister is a PITA and so are two of his brothers, so we are allowed to say so without anyone getting mad!

Like I said, one of the keys to having a good open line of communication is agreeing NOT to attack one another (even though you may feel like it).

One exercise that I remember reading about was to give each partner two sheets of paper - on one they wrote down all the things they hated/disliked about the other and on the other, all the things they loved/liked. And then they went through and crossed off all the things that the other couldn't change (like the fact that maybe your sister has a big mouth - not saying she does, just as an example ) and then they shared their lists. They had to alternate a like with a dislike and also give a real solution to the dislike (example - I dislike yelling over the dinner table - solution: only one person at a time talks). I remember thinking some of the solutions to the dislikes around here could be pretty funny

[Rockabillie]

I agree that faith in God is not necessary to a good marriage. I suspect some sort of agreement on religious belief is necessary.

However, one can have faith without believing in God. Faith in the strength of family, faith in the value of community, etc. Faith that everything will be OK.

Attacking is not communicating.

[Rockabillie]

Originally Posted by mayor

but women basically want a man who will lead them. This demonstrates love and security for a woman

LOL!
According to who? Sounds like some guy's wishful thinking! ha ha ha!

I want an equal partner. Like a good painting, the marriage need not be perfectly symmetrical, just alike on both sides, to be balanced. But it is balanced and EQUAL.

We in fact, take turns leading each other. It varies by time (what's going on in other parts of each of our lives, is a work project draining all my energy?), so each of us have taken initiative on some projects or issues. Sometimes the lead varies by subject and strength. I am the gardener, so I always take the lead on yard projects. My husband is more organized, so he always takes the lead on reorganizing.

Each of us has strength and value and no one is above the other. It would not be a marriage if either of us thought that way.

I think some dogs like to be led but otherwise , er, no woman I know. Heck, what am I saying? Dogs don't like it either and you all know it!

[verwon]

andywon and I have been through some very rough times and thanks to God that we made it through them.

We have learned that your spouse shouldn't just be your lover, they should also be your best friend, the one person that you should know you can talk to about anything. And always remember that no matter how bad things seem at this moment, other moments are coming that will be better.

Yes, I am sure Mayor's wife would come and tell you the same things he did, it is possible to have a loving, trusting, understanding and communicating marriage all at once. It isn't always easy but it is always possible.

Even when another woman came on to him, he came and talked to me about it. Instead of getting mad, we discussed how to deal with it and cut her out of our lives. This issue really confused him as he thought she was a special friend and she had some mental issues so since he has been there he thought he could help so it hurt him in several ways. My advice for any woman who thinks her man is up to something or not listening, remember he may be just as confused and upset as you are about the way things are going and he just may not be sure how to say it, so instead of hollering or accusing, just start a chat like you would with one of your other female friends and give him the benefit of the doubt.

[verwon]

Roackabillie, I don't think Mayor means letting the man rule over the woman, it is more an issue that most women do like to have someone's shoulder to cry on and lean on sometimes. Someone they feel is protecting them, that they are safe with. No one is above the other, it is just a safety and security issue.

Further info on andywon and I, we are so close that we both know how to most hurt the other in an argument, of course that isn't fair so we have an unspoken agreement that there are certain issues
we will not throw up to each other no matter how mad we are.
Another key thing to remember, if you really don't mean it, then don't say it. This one is very hard to stick with, I even slip sometimes myself but keeping it in mind has helped many times to prevent saying something I really don't mean.

[mayor]

The man should never RULE over the woman. But God created man as the leader of the household for a reason. There MUST be some sort of hierarchy, else no one has the final say in a situation.

However, this only works in light of Biblical principles. While it is true that a woman is called to submit to her husband (as long as whatever he asks does not cause her to sin), an overlooked portion of Scripture is that the man is to SERVE his wife and Submit to her as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her. The husband is to love his wife with the same kind of sacrificial love that Christ demonstrated while on earth. This means that he is seeking to meet her needs as a servant/leader.

Too many men have abused the submission verses and left out key portions.

When a man is loving his wife in this fashion, the woman feels safe, respected, honored and treasured. It is then natural for her to want to follow his leadership. This is how God intended for it to be.

While it may seem empowering for the man, it is actually liberating for the woman. The man becomes accountable to God for his wife and his family. The buck stops here. This is a great deal of responsibility and not an easy one to live up to. It definitely takes the power of God working in a man's heart and life to make it work.

A man should never "Lord it over" his wife.

I hope that makes it clear.

Mayor