Serious question: Need help dealing with someone with mental problems

[pandybat]

Ok...first off, this is not about me. This is a friend of mine that is dealing with this and asked that I post for her to see if anyone had any ideas or knew what she could do to get help.

I won't go into full detail but here's where the problem lies....

Her husband is a manic-depressive and becomes verbally abusive to their kids when he's not feeling well. This last time, he really hurt one of her kids with his words and it's was the straw that broke the camels back. She is not putting up with this anymore. She has tried talking to him about it but evidentally its not making a difference. She has asked him to leave the house. He refuses. He has his parents place he could go to but his mother is very elderly and I get the sense she doesn't believe she could handle him any better than my friend can now. His parents support him financially and have the money to place him somewhere but I don't think he will stay there. He's been committed before but was released and if that's what happens again, she believes he would want to come right back to her house because he would not have anywhere to go. What can she do to get him out of the house if he refuses to go? It's not a matter of him being abusive on a physical level, just verbally and mental abuse to her kids. Not a good situation. If she calls Child and Youth services, she is afraid they will take the kids and not him. I don't believe calling the police will do any good either. Her and the kids leaving is not an option. Anyone dealt with something like this? What are her options?

[Nightowl69]

The only way the police can get him into treatment is if he physically hurts himself or others,if she refuses to leave with the kids there is nothing else she can do.she needs to think about her kids and get them out of that house and away from him before it gets worse and the verbal abuse becomes physical.
Good luck to your friend and her children

[Jaxxie]

So i am guessing she can't get him in for treatment or drugs of any kind. Is he mostly abusive during the winter months? If that is the case she might try getting natural daylight bulbs and turning them all on. It will help, not cure someone with Seasonal Bi-polar disorder.

As we all know verbal abuse can be more damaging than physical at times. Bi-polar people can be so irrational where they truly believe it is everyone else who has the problem and not them. The key is getting them help and if she cannot get him help then she needs to go and talk to someone who can help her to deal with him. The verbal abuse will most likely or I should say "can" turn to physical. I know quite a few people who are bi-polar and live normal lives. It is difficult at first to get the med levels just right, that is the hardest part.

The only thing I can suggest is for her to wait until she can get him on a clear day and try and talk to him. You can't raise your voice or show that you are upset with bi-polar people they will get on the defensive immediately. So if she can sit and talk and tell him, you are hurting your children, we love you, but you must go to the doctor for help. Does he have siblings? brothers and sisters that your friend might call for some kind of support? I wish her all the best I know she is going through **** right now. I know lots others will hopefully have better advice on this.

[Scoozie]

I worked as a case manager in mental health for clients with Severe Mental Illness (bi-polar being such an illness) for almost 10 yrs. Unfortunatley, d/t patient rights he doesn't have to take meds., or receive tx if he doesn't want. It's a real shame be-polar is one of the hardest mental disorders to treat. Your friend needs to rally up all the support she can get behind her and leave. It is highly unlikely that he is going to change, and if he is not taking his meds she is just endangering herself and her children.

[Juliannaluv]

Oh my gosh! If I didn't know better I would think you were talking about me, my husband and our situation. The main difference is that I am the one who is, in my opinion, being hurt the most by his terrible words. He has realized it now and is trying to make amends, but I am afraid it is too late for us because I don't think I can open up and let him back in again.

In your friend's situation, unfortunately the only other way she can force him to leave the home is to file for divorce. If she does this, a judge would decide that, obviously, they cannot both live in the home. She has the advantage because of the children....His behavior is damaging to them and she would be their main caregiver, so the judge would most likely rule in her favor and have him removed from the home, in the best interest of the children.

I know all this from experience. I went down this road once and had filed for a divorce in September 2001, but had the file closed and gave him another chance...essentally reconciled. When I had my major surgery in November, shortly afterward my husband changed back to his old hurtful/abusive ways again and I am afraid that this time I just can't accept it and forgive him again....I don't know. I am truly an emotional trainwreck right now and am trying to make a decision that will affect the rest of mine and my childrens' lives. What we do know is that we love each other. What we don't know is if we can live together.

In your friend's situation, unfortunately the only way for them to work it out is if HE realizes he has a problem and gets the proper treatment....and follows his treatment. The one thing that is a MUST is that she seeks counseling for the children NOW. They have been subjected to the worst kind of abuse (IMO) and they will have problems in the future if it is not worked through in the present.

Please wish your friend the BEST OF LUCK and remind her to be strong for those children

[momto1]

In his verbal abuse is he threatening? Do her or the kids feel fear or in danger? I ask this because I know here in MN that assault does not need to be physical. As long as the person feels in danger then it is assault and it is a crime.

Next, your friend needs to think of her children and herself first! Calling the county (Child and Youth Srvices) is not the worst thing that could happen. I think if she calls looking for help they will not take her kids. But actually, it sounds as thought right now her kids would be better off in a caring and loving environment, foster care, for the time being. If she does not call the county and ask for help that is when the county has more basis to step in and take her kids when she has stood by and LET this happen to her kids. If the county finds out then she can be held accountable for not protecting her kids.

A parent needs to understand that we, as parents, may sometimes need to make choices that are very hard on us. We may even have to move or have the county help us finacially (which may be hard on some people) but we have to think that we know why these things happen and how they happen. Kids do not and they internalize things as their fault. No matter how often we tell the kids it is not their fault, they still see it that way. If he is not leaving then she needs to.

Can you call the county and ask what her options are? What about a women's abuse center? There are answers out there just keep looking and keeping the kids as the very top priority in this, they are truly suffering now!

Good Luck!

[Rockabillie]

Does she want a divorce? I'd definitely explore that process if it were me.

At the same time, I'd try to find a support group for relatives of mentally ill people (sorta like Al-Anon) which is probably available at the local country health department. There she can get advice and support. Other people there have been through the process and can help her.

[tlspiegel]

IMHO she needs to get herself and the kids out of the abusive situation. It's not a loving, caring environment and has the potential for physical abuse. Words hurt and inevitably they have the ability to carry on through the lifetime of any person. Especially coming from a parent. In addition, there also might be the end result of the 'tradition' being carried into the next generation.

[Rockabillie]

Get a restraining order so you can stay in the house, don't leave the house for him.

[3tbear]

I have a friend who is manic. Doesn't this guy take his meds regularly? My GF lives at home with her Dad, is unable to work, too unstable. She has her good days while on her meds, bad days when she decides not to take them. Wish I had an answer for you.
Inevitably, the only solution I can see is for her to leave the house with the kids, find another place to live. Hopefully she works and can support herself and the children.

[freesurfer]

JulianaLuv....I hear ya!! Your first paragraph hit the nail on the head in my situation also!! Maybe we married the same guy!!

How about a legal seperation? It's not as formal as a divorce but should give her some protection. ANyone know the facts on this?