Relationship Advice Please...

[cujo0123]

I'm not sure what to do. My bf of almost 5 years is starting to show signs of being abusive. I am also his caretaker and his kidney disease is one that makes most people with his desease very moody and cranky.
Lately he has been threatening to "kick my xxx." It started in public and his sister told me it was his way of showing off which does sound like him. I tell him in public he is acting like a baby and he stops. Now he has started saying it to me at home everytime something doesn't go his way.
I depend on him right now because I can't work because of my health. I have no place to go if I were to break up with him. I own my house so I don't want it foreclosed on. I told him if he did this stuff again I would have to kick him out of my house.
Of course there is much more detail to what is going on but that is about as short as I can make it. Any advice? I grew up in an abusive household so I don't wan't this to get like things were when I was a kid. Please give me any advice or experiences that might help me. Thanks!!


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[AndersonGal]

Wish I knew what to tell you kiddo.
My dh went through a phase of acting like the BIG Rooster in the hen house whenever we had his family around. I remember we had a good talk about that. He still does it to a degree whenever we have company over but it's not abusive, just annoying.

I always talked with my dh. I had been married before and was more mature (I'm getting younger as I get older though ). I explained he needed to talk to me when something was wrong.
Then we can fix it or do something about it.

Find out what is really going on with your bf (in a very calm, mature fashion). I live with chronic pain and it does make us different. We tend to live for the moment and not the future. He may not even notice he's being that way or thinking what it will do to his future with you. Once you know what it is you can work on it or seek help for it.


Just my 2¢


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[cujo0123]

I've tried talking to him and he just gets mad. His voice will get louder and louder until he is screaming. He says "I didn't know I was loud" grrr. He blames me for everything now.I know its him, I've proved things to him a few times but he will still blame me. He can't talk without getting mad. Or he won't talk with out getting mad, one or the other.


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[flash3992]

Cujo, I think he's "playing" you. He has a place to live, a caregiver, and a GF. From the sound of your post, in my opinion, he don't really care about you. He's using you. If I was you, and this is just my opinion, I'd tell him to straighten up, or get the **** out! Because I think, JMO again, that if he's saying it, he might start doing it! And that, you don't need! Right now, I, if I were you, I'd start "lookin' out for #1"! It's your house.....you make the rules......good luck hon.


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[cujo0123]

I want him out but until I have a way to support myself again I'll have to wait a bit. I am being very careful because I feel his next step will be physical. As soon as I can get back to working again I'm going to and then I'll be able to tell him to hit the road. Until then I'm going to just "use" him too. I think you are right!
I do make the rules and stuff be he is starting to stop following them. He always has an excuse. My house is so nasty right now because of him. I stopped picking up his mess and he doesn't clean anymore. I can't stand it but I'm not going to give in either. I'm very stubborn when it comes to things like that. As soon as he leaves though, I'm calling a cleaning service first thing!! Anyway, its also stuff like that, his threats are not the only thing.


I also wanted to ask if any of you could help me find out if there is financial help out there so I can get rid of him sooner. I was looking but I can't find anything. If anyone has any luck please let me know. Thanks!!


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[Juliannaluv]

If you are unable to work because of a medical issue, can you check into medicare disability? If you are considered disabled you should be able to collect on that, I would think. What about unemployment or checking with social services top help you out?


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[blueaguave]

I'm not a good financial person, but why not kick him out, if he refuses call the cops (I agree, you look like the bad guy because he has kidney disease, but if he's not on the deed the cops have to report it). Then sell your house, and use the profits to start over, either in your area, or a fresh start somewhere. It sounds extreme, but sometimes if someone tangles you in a web you have to resort to extreme. People who have been here on this board a long time remember my thankless caretaking of a family member, and I put an end to it.


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[Jaxxie]

Is it at all possible that the medicines he is on are making him cranky? Could you call and talk to his doctor to see if maybe some other type of medicine could be given to him?

If that isn't that case, then most abuse starts with verbal. Don't tolerate it. Call his family and tell them to come get him!!

I hope it works out for you, will keep you in my prayers.


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[rafala]

how about getting a housemate? if it comes to kicking him out and you have 2 bedrooms you can rent the other room. make a lease and have the rent be about half your mortgage, or more if you have a low mortgage. The other person pays half the utilities and any long distance calls plus they get half the fridge and kitchen privileges. when my husband was working on his masters he lived in an older house with a widowed lady and they got along great.

I hope things work out for you and your boyfriend but if not this might be an option.

good luck

karen


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[tlspiegel]

I'm thiinking prednisone/cortizone. If he's on this it can turn a person into a mean bear in no time flat. When meds are high he's high. When dosages are down, mood flattens. This is a dangerous situation. I was in a simliar situation and got out quick.

[3tbear]

Here's an article I found which says what you should do, but in your situation financially maybe it's not possible at the moment, but here's the article in any case.

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Here's what I would do. Take a piece of paper, write down the bills you pay each month, like electric etc. and what it would take for you to live in your house, your mortgage payment if you have one, taxes etc. Basically see how much money you need to live there, then figure out how much money you have coming in, without including any income from your boyfriend, and see how you can scale things down, live with less. If you can do that and still have enough food on the table, a roof over your head and pay your bills, then you're better off living on your own. You don't need cable TV, that's a bill you can eliminate if you have that. Anything that is not an absolute basic necessity can get eliminated. I'm not saying this will be like this forever for you, but just until things get better for you. You can also arrange to make agreed upon payments on bills so you don't have to pay them all in one lump sum. When I had minor surgery, the hospital let me do that when I was between jobs. It really did help quite a bit. Best of luck to you in your decision.

Here's another web-site which has some good ideas. It's probably meant for an older person, but I think some of the stuff could also pertain to someone younger.

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[cujo0123]

I'm going to make a reply to each separate post to make this easier.
Juliannaluv: I am working on that now. I have insurance but I'm working on disability but I doubt I'll get it.
Blue.: I can't sell my house because I am under contract to live in it for 5 years which means there are 2 years left before I can sell it.
rafala: I am going to try talking to my father to see if he wants to move in with me and help me out until I get back on my feet.
tls.: The meds he is on does not change his mood, its just the disease itself. It effects many hormones and while he is getting those hormones it doesn't seem to be enough.
3tbear: I have no income unless you count the checks I get from Pinecone Research. He supports me 100%.

I will finish this post later...

[Juliannaluv]

How are ya doing today cujo?????

Thinking about ya


(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

[cujo0123]

sorry i did not finish the post the new meds i'm on made me so tired in the midle of hat opst i had to sleep. i just got up and i feel ikr i'm drunk from it. anyway, i'm going to talk to my father on monday about moving in so i can kick my bf out. thats my only planrifht now. i wikl write later about everything these new meds are making me feel weird. Thats about it for now

[tlspiegel]

Originally posted by cujo0123
sorry i did not finish the post the new meds i'm on made me so tired in the midle of hat opst i had to sleep. i just got up and i feel ikr i'm drunk from it. anyway, i'm going to talk to my father on monday about moving in so i can kick my bf out. thats my only planrifht now. i wikl write later about everything these new meds are making me feel weird. Thats about it for now

Cujo... that sounds like a great idea. BTW, what new meds are you on?