!!! THE INCREDIBLE 4-DAY MIRACLE CAT DIET !!!

[tlspiegel]

This was written by my colleague - it's circulated the net a few times and you may have received it in email:

By Jean Jackson

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those of us who have never had any success dieting, comes now the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet works wonders on humans! Consider this: most cats are long and lanky (unless they have spent too much time around humans). The Miracle Cat Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for four days and you'll find that you'll not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: Have someone else open a can of expensive gourmet cat food -- any flavor, as long as it costs more than 75 cents per can -- and place one ounce on your plate. Eat a bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for a while before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.

Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to flutter pathetically on the floor.

Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's plate. Whack it around on the floor until it gets all hairy and goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Pick up the mummified chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse tries to read it.

Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

Dinner: Chew into a fresh bag of dark-colored dry gourmet cat food -- beef-flavored works particularly well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.

Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with it on top of your down-filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you leave it for someone else to deal with.

Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, and antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's pillow.

Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's KFC leftovers your spouse placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.

Dinner: Whine until your spouse opens another can of expensive gourmet cat food for you. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard. Clean your hairbrush with your teeth and swallow everything you find there (including hairpins.) Barf copiously across any opened mail you find on the kitchen table.


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[sandyl]

I am laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes! That is absolutely hilarious! I have to copy and send to all my friends with cats! One friend with especially bad cats will totally get this!

Thanks for the belly laughs!

[tlspiegel]

Isn't that the funniest? Jean is a brillliant writer, one of the nicest people you could ever hope to have in your corner, and there's no doubt she's experienced the 'diet' first hand because she has a slew of rescued cats and dogs.


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