Anybody here think marriage is hard?

[mayfly]

Hot tamalies marriage can be a lot of work. At least mine is. It always seems like everyone else has an easier time than we do. I was unprepared for the amount of work that would be involved in maintaining good communication. We really love each other, but sometimes marriage just sucks. And this after 14 years! I didn't know it would be like this, brought up on too many Cinderella stories I guess.

I was also unprepared for what it meant to have good communication, I thought it meant letting him know how I felt. I have since learned it means letting him know how I feel in a way that he understands- big difference. A whole new language to learn for me.

and trying to understand what he is saying the way he means it, not the way it would mean if I were saying it- again, HUGE difference.

It seems like it comes and goes in waves too. When everything is good, its all good, and I am married to the best man in the whole world!
And when its bad, its so bad, how could this happen, it has always been like this. He will drive me crazy, every little thing he does. LOL I have learned that when I think its all bad to try and remember some good points of his, I admit I will remember them grudgingly " oh yeah, he did do this, and that".

So is anyone like us, or are we alone? If we are alone, WE are still staying married-lol.

[freesurfer]

Trust me, I hear ya!!!

[ShainaT]

Who you marry is the most important decision you will ever make in your life.

You are right...communication is HUGE!

I am happy to be married. (I hated the single life!) But it is a lot of work. And now that we have a 7 month old son it is a whole different story. My son is now my first priority. Luckily my DH understands that.


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[jskarp]

definately a ton of work......but as they say...no pain no gain!

[Juliannaluv]

Were you reading my mind when you wrote this mayfly????

It is WAAAAAYYYY more work than I ever expected!!!

[dianemarie]

Much, much harder than I expected. But after 17 1/2 years I really expected it to get easier. Maybe after 20 it gets easier?? Please, someone say it does!

[Shainie]

Guess maybe I'm not the norm, but our marriage seems to flow along just fine. Sure, we have our spats, but nothing ever major (usually money issues), and we have never walked out on eachother or uttered the word divorce. We both agree we're in it for life.

The kids have actually helped our marriage. We have more to focus on than eachother's shortcomings.

We've only been married 6 years (together for 11), so who knows how things will be as time goes on, but right now it's just comfortable and doesn't seem like work.

[Mouse7088]

(pooh-ism) Oh bother! (mouse-ism) Oh brudder! LOL! Being this is my second (& LAST) marriage (for DH also), I have a lot to compare as well. LOL! Whewie...I think during my first marriage it got to the point of rarely being disappointed. What I mean by that is that after some time when my husband would say or do something terribly cruel, I didn't have that "shock factor"..NOW tho, if Kenny would pull one of those same stunts...well, it breaks my heart. I have to think that's a "good thing" in a sense. It means I expect more from him, more from US.
Oh wow...I have HAD to learn to try and really listen to what Kenny says..not just hear it because like you Mayfly..I've learned it can make a mountain out of a mole hill in 2.5 seconds. I've learned to repeat a lot. If Kenny says one thing, I TRY not to jump on the defense train..instead I follow up with "Soooo, do you mean..yadda-yadda-yadda?" It takes just a moment, but saves us from a LOT confusion.
Not too long ago I was thinking of divorce..<gasp>..well I was. We were in such a rough spot...not just ONE thing, but a potpourri of MINOR bumps..together those minor bumps caused a great deal of unhappiness for both of us. I seriously could not imagine it getting worse or even better and to be honest..the thought of either of us hurting any more was just too much. I wanted to break away before we ended up miserible and hating eachother...I can't imagine EVER seeing Kenny in the same light as I see my ex husband, I didn't want to either. Well, obviously we both started taking responsibility (and got our heads out of our bums) otherwise I would probably be crying in a beer right now LOL! I've learned to accept his apologies w/ sincerity and I have also learned to offer apologies w/ the same repsect. Not to just try to "keep the peace." When I would do that I felt extremely resentful, of course all the while Kenny hadn't a clue..as far as he understood what ever problem we had was put behind us. This ALWAYS leads to an explosive outburst on my part down the road. I have learned a great deal, especially over the past couple of years and I see MANY more lessons in my future..LOL! No matter the situation...it takes two (to make or break)...period.


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[whitequeen96]

Ugh! I could write a book!

Maybe that's why diamonds are used for engagement rings; the only thing harder than marriage is a diamond!

[mayfly]

[quote]Originally posted by Mouse7088
[B LOL! I've learned to accept his apologies w/ sincerity and I have also learned to offer apologies w/ the same repsect. Not to just try to "keep the peace." When I would do that I felt extremely resentful, of course all the while Kenny hadn't a clue..as far as he understood what ever problem we had was put behind us.



Mouse, you said a mouthful here. I totally know where you are coming from. Many times my dh would apologize, or we would work it out, and I would just be trying to keep the peace, and feeling frustrated. And he was going on his merry way thinking all was well.

So I am doing the same thing-when he says he is sorry or we work it out, I have to let it go.

[freesurfer]

THrow step-children in there!!! GAWD!!!!

I'll have a heartattack this week from the problems mine is giving me. I have had it!!!


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[Mouse7088]

I can't have, but only incredible respect for step-parents...w/o Larry I would have no Dad. Kenny is a "step" Dad to my two oldest, my ex's wife is a "step" Mom to them as well....as hard as it is sometimes for the adult, it's even more so for the kids when a "new" parent figure comes into the picture. I don't have any "step" children, but I know my oldest son put Kenny through he**...which in turn also strained our marriage. It took some time (read: YEARS), but Kyle has come to terms with the fact that Kenny DOES love him, wants the best for him and will ALWAYS be his rock when ever he may need it.

[nrages]

Wow. I don't have much to say, but I thought it was supposed to get easier.
I have been married only 2 years. I know it is not supposed to be easy. I am in it for the long haul. However, I really don't know if my DH is as strong and willing to work through all the kinks no matter how hard they get. What I am saying is, I know I am willing to work things out...but it doesn't seem like my DH is always willing. He gets frustrated.

Boy I have a lot to learn!!! Especially about the whole communication thing mayfly. It's not just about communicating, but HOW you communicate!

[Brendabutt]

For all you "infants in marriage"--no, it never gets easier. We've been married for almost 29 years and it's still hard as heck to make it work. We were married when I was 17 and he was 19 and everyone told us it would never work. So, I'm just stubborn enough to prove everyone wrong(LOL). But we both are very committed to our "vows". My thinking is "all men are the same, so if you get one kinda, sorta "trained", why would you want to do it all over again. And we have absoutely nothing in common, so it's probably a little harder for us. But I always think that if we can survive it, anybody can!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Juliannaluv]

LOL.....The "D" word has come up several times in my house. It was going well for a while, but it seems that the "old" dh is back. I don't like him at all!!! I am trying so hard to just accept is, I try to communicate, etc but WOWZERS, is it all worth it in the long run?????