Any one have memorial service advice?

[Geckomary]

I know that I have not posted here often...but I have been a member here a long time and trust/appreciate much of the advice and information shared here.

To refresh on some of my sporadic posts...I am a domestic goddess with 3 kids DDs 10 and 6 and a DS who is 3. My Dh had a heart attack in December of 2000 and spent 2001 dealing with cancer....it has been a roller coaster for all of us at times.

At some point in the middle of last night DH had another massive coronary...he was dead when I awoke this morning.

Right now I am in shock and can't sleep. I am completely unprepared for what to expect tomorrow when I meet with the people at the cremation/funeral home. DH was definite about wanting to be cremated...but we were not members of a church or "organized" religion. I don't know what to do about the memorial service or how to involve my children in the process...

Has anyone had to deal with this...? What do I do? How can I try to involve my kids with the service? They (and I) are scared and seem to be looking to me for something...but I don't know what to offer...

I know that due to recent events here on the boards that we have all felt some hesitation on offering our emotions to things like this...we all got kind of burned....Because of that...I don't know what information they will submit...but I do want people to know that my DH's obit will be in the Tulsa World either Thursday or Friday and I won't be offended by those who feel the need to check...like I said I think I know we are all a bit gun shy...

I have so much "this is what you have to do" input from friends and his family that I guess I kind of wanted some real life input from you...my online family. Thanks


__________________

Check out these [Only registered and activated users can see links. Either login above or Register Now], or go directly to [Only registered and activated users can see links. Either login above or Register Now]
[Only registered and activated users can see links. Either login above or Register Now] EXP: 04.30.2003
Save 10% off of your purchase at Art.com with coupon code C207855315014.

[Only registered and activated users can see links. Either login above or Register Now]

[pandybat]

Oh my goodness.....I am so sorry to hear this. I was kind of shocked by your post because I certainly didn't expect to hear of your husbands passing. I wish I could be there right now to give you and your babies a huge hug.
I can't offer any assistance with what all you need to take care of. I have never had anyone really close to me pass away. There are other members that have been through this process and may be able to guide you towards what all you need to take care of. I wish you well.
((((Geckomary))))

[Jennifer M.]

I'm so sorry for your loss When my friend Tristan passed away in October he was also cremated. His family were not members of any church. We had the memorial service @ the funeral home. They had a place in there with pews, etc. It was really nice. The put up poster boards full of pictures, etc. The only thing I didn't care for too much was having a pastor speak about Tristan when he had never met him. I know this happens all the time and the man did do a good job but it's just not the same ya know? Tristan's family also had someone who knew Tristan speak at his service and it was so comforting. We laughed, we cried, it was nice.

I hope that I helped just a tiny bit with all of this. Again, my prayers and thoughts are with your family now.


__________________

[Only registered and activated users can see links. Either login above or Register Now]

[Geckomary]

Thanks for your replies...I think that I managed to sleep for about an hour (maybe 2)...but I think I am still in shock...I have spent some time this morning with my 10 year old DD...she also couldn't sleep well and was up around 5...she asked if we could release balloons at the memorial...I told her I didn't know...But that I thought it sounded like a good idea. Does anyone know if this is allowed? She thought that her daddy would like the "silly" part of balloons floating up in the air...

Mary


__________________

Check out these [Only registered and activated users can see links. Either login above or Register Now], or go directly to [Only registered and activated users can see links. Either login above or Register Now]
[Only registered and activated users can see links. Either login above or Register Now] EXP: 04.30.2003
Save 10% off of your purchase at Art.com with coupon code C207855315014.

[valleygirl]

So sorry to hear of your loss. I cannot imagine what you are going thru right now. I don't see why you could not release balloons unless there is some sort of city ordinance against it. The funeral parlor/creamatorian should know or could find out about any ordinaces for you. If it makes the kids feel better, do it.

[Mouse7088]

Oh my goodness...I am SOOOOO very sorry for your loss. I mean, TRULY so very sorry for you and your children.

I have never had to make arrangements, but I do know one thing...NOTHING...and I mean NOTHING should keep you from having it the way you and your kids want it.

At Grandpa's service we were so disappointed, the eulogy was given by a man that knew nothing of him...for Grandma's my SIL decided SHE wanted to give the eulogy..the elder DID speak afterwards, but I swear there were people FALLING ASLEEP. Vicky made us all cry with the REAL stories and memories, then we had some fella follow up with so much non-sense that we had ppl. nodding off. NOT good..lol!

Pat (MIL) had single roses for the kids and grand children to lay in the casket, IF they wanted to.

My husband and I have talked SO much in the last couple of months about this stuff..as morbid as it to some, I think it was sort of our way to deal with all of it. We have promised to take care of the other...I'm sure you and your husband MUST have talked about this sort of thing..just think back dear, maybe it wasn't one of those "sit dow and get serious" discussions, but there has to be something. For instance, our Grandpa was a man who wore bib overalls ALL of the time, it was SO darn strange seeing him being put to rest in a suit..ya know..not him at all, not the REAL him. I've promised Kenny if he should go before I, there will not be a suit , but there WILL be a baseball cap to cover that shaved head of his. He has promised me that there will not be any lipstick. Do ya see what I mean? Well this is making me so sad just thinking about it, so you must be so totally lost babe. Our condolences to your family.


__________________

[Only registered and activated users can see links. Either login above or Register Now]

[bradedit]

I am so sorry!!! I can't imagine why you couldn't have a balloon release. I do know that a reputable funeral home can and will guide you through the things that need to be done so that you can spend the time with you kids. Just ask them for help, that is what they are there for.

We also had some friends speak at my aunts funeral, we had pictures and actually her kid walked out of there feeling still so sad but at least they could smile and know how much we all loved her.

[LocaChica]

I'm sorry for your loss. {{{{Mary}}}}}

[NaomiMarie]

Oh my, I'm so very sorry............
If there's ANYTHING any of us can do for you, please do NOT hesitate to ask!

((((((hugs))))))
Naomi




__________________

[Only registered and activated users can see links. Either login above or Register Now]

[jenimadison]

Mary...I'm so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and your children. (((((((((((((((((MARY)))))))))))))))

[jen6889]

I'm so sorry for your loss. ((((((((Geckomary))))))))))
Please let us know if we can do anything for you.

I'll tell you what we we did when my youngest dd died last year and hopefully it'll help give you an idea. It was kind of a similiar situation. My dh and I had only just moved to this area maybe 6 months before. I was raised Baptist, he was raised Catholic, but we both agree that anything within the Christian religion worked for us. We just couldn't agree on a church, so we were at a loss there when it came time for the service. We asked the director at the funeral home and he had a minister/preacher come from the local Lutheran church. He gave a very lovely speach and never pretended to know us. We only had a very small service, since we didn't know anyone in this area yet. The funeral home did minimum embalming on her body, just enough to keep it until the service (having a body at the service has always been important to me) and then she was cremated. Creepy as it may sound to some, her ashes are sitting in a pretty brass urn in my living room. We originally wanted to have her ashes placed with her Great-grandfather's in the church yard in Southport, NC, but they have a "member's only" requirement. No hard feelings - I'm glad they at least considered it anyway. We hope to find somewhere to lay her ashes to rest one day. If nothing else, we'll just hang on to them until she can be placed with either me or my dh.

As for the balloon idea, I say go for it. If that's what your children really want to do, and it'll help them with this process, I think it's important to do it. I think it's the Mylar balloons that are a definate no-no. Something about causing problems if they get onto electric lines. But latex balloons should be ok (not good for the environment, but oh well...). Definately check with the funeral director on that - if he/she doesn't know, they'll gladly check into it for you. I think it's a very nice idea.

Oh, and one more thing, I know it may not be something you want to do right now, but if the funeral director is writing up the obituary for you and there's time, double check it behind him/her before they send it to the paper. They messed up terribly on my dd's and it hurt my Grandmother's feelings. We had to have it re-run, but they still goofed on it.


__________________

[Only registered and activated users can see links. Either login above or Register Now]

[mayfly]

Oh precious one, I am so so so sad and sorry to read this. ((((((((gentle hug)))))))))))) How are you doing today? How are your girls, and son? Do you have any support staying with you right now? You have us hun, we will walk you through, however you want to talk with us.


My best friends husband committed suicide. He left two children. They wrote messages to their dad, and tied them to a balloon, and released them later that day. If the funeral director tells you no, you can do it later in the day also.

Just know there is no right or wrong way to greive. However you are doing it is just right. Grief is like labor pains, it comes in waves and intensity, and you get through it minute by minute. It can all seem surreal and normal at other times. There is no wrong way to go through this.

As far as your children, maybe you can all camp out in the livingroom at night for awhile. I don't know if you believe in Jesus, but if you would like to hear what I believe, please pm me, and I will share with you.

I am so glad you came here to share your feelings. Again, know that we care, and we are here for you.


__________________

[Only registered and activated users can see links. Either login above or Register Now]

[cashhound]

((((((mary)))))

You have PM.

[dlabrie708]

Oh, I am so sorry for your loss! You must be in such shock right now. I know this is such an awfully sad time for you and your children. Please know we all are thinking of you and care about what you are going through right now. Below is a poem I really love. I thought you might like it too. I cry every time I read it...

((((Geckomary))))

LETTER FROM HEAVEN

To my dearest family
Some things I'd like to say
But first of all, to let you know
That I arrived okay

I'm writing this from heaven
Here I dwell with God above
Where there are no more tears of sadness
There is just eternal love

Please do not be unhappy
Just because I'm out of sight
Remember I am with you
Every morning, noon, and night

The day I had to leave you
When my life on earth was through
God picked me up and hugged me
And He said, "I welcome you.”

“It's good to have you back again
You were missed while you were gone
As for your dearest family
They’ll be here later on.”

God gave me a list of things
He wished for me to do
And most important on that list
Was to watch and care for you

So when you lie in bed at night
The day's chores put to flight
Know I am right there with you
In the middle of the night

I know when you think about my life
And all those loving years
Because you are only human
There are bound to be some tears

So do not be afraid to cry
It does relieve the pain
Remember there would be no flowers
Unless there was some rain

I wish that I could tell you
All that God has planned
But if I were to tell you
You just wouldn't understand

There are rocky roads ahead of you
And many hills to climb
But together we can do it
By taking one breath at a time

It was always my philosophy
And I'd like it for you too
That as you give unto the world
The world will give to you

If you can help somebody
Who's in sorrow and in pain
Then you can say to God at night
"My day was not in vain."

And now I am contented
I know my life was worthwhile
For as I passed along the way
I made so many people smile

So if you meet somebody
Who is sad and feeling low
Just lend a hand to pick him up
As on your way you go

And when you're walking down the street
And you've got me on your mind
Know I'm walking in your footsteps
Only half a step behind

And when it's time for you to go
From that body to be free
Remember you're not going
You're coming here to me

(Author Unknown)


__________________

Check out these [Only registered and activated users can see links. Either login above or Register Now], or go directly to [Only registered and activated users can see links. Either login above or Register Now]
[Only registered and activated users can see links. Either login above or Register Now] EXP: 04.30.2003
Save 10% off of your purchase at Art.com with coupon code C207855315014.

[Only registered and activated users can see links. Either login above or Register Now]

Check out these [Only registered and activated users can see links. Either login above or Register Now], or go directly to [Only registered and activated users can see links. Either login above or Register Now]
[Only registered and activated users can see links. Either login above or Register Now] EXP: 04.30.2003
Use coupon code SEMESTER to save $15 off of your first purchase of $50 or more at Half.com.

[Juliannaluv]

I am so sorry for your loss. I know you have difficult times ahead, please know I am praying for you and your children/family!

(((((HUGS))))))