Stay at home parent or work full time

[ShainaT]

I'm looking for opinions on my situation. I am 32 years old with an almost 10 week old son. Since I graduated college 10 years ago I have worked full time in the accounting field. I now have a great job as a corporate accountant in a great company. I am home now on maternity leave but expected to be back at my job after the new year.

I am thinking of quitting my job to stay home with Colin full time. I am not a fan of day care. I feel it is in his best interest for me to be a full time parent to him. My DH has a good job and we could most likely make due money-wise. I am worried about expenses and cutting out the luxuries we would not be able to afford anymore. I am used to dealing with adults all day. Will I lose my edge? What will I do all day?

My accounting job is too deadline oriented for me to go part time so I either go back full time or not at all.

For those of you with children...what did you do?


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[mayfly]

how bout
Work full time at home? Ok I don't get paid for my job, but it keeps me busy!

I think there is a bit of adjustment. I think when you have a baby you have to be careful not to feel isolated, because as they get older you begin to make lots of friends, cuz they have kids your kids ages.

If you are staying home with a baby I would reccommend that you find a MOPS group (I think it stands for mothers of preschoolers). Any way, if you have at least one preschooler or younger you can go. Great support group. Try calling information, they might have the number. Or a local church, its Not a religious organization, but churches might have that info. I think they are affiliated with the La Leche League.


Ok, I have to close with the song we all did a while back-
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On the 12th day of staying home my neighbor said to me...
"I may need you to sign for a package I am expecting!
You are home...you can be president of the PTO!!
You can head the bake sale!
Can you watch my kids today?
Just how much DOES your husband make anyway?
Don't the kids drive you crazy?
What's with the maid service?
WHAT ABOUT YOUR CAREER?
How many naps do you get to take a day?
Don't you feel guilty for not contributing to your family?
What soap opera do you watch?
What do you do all day?"

Hehehehe


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[teraberry]

When I had my first baby, Timothy, I was a nanny. I took Timothy with me, figuring that I could handle that. It was too much for me and after about 2 weeks, I quit that job to just stay at home with him... and we did NOT have the money to afford that. At the time my husband was between jobs. We basically couldn't afford anything - at one point we had to put groceries on a credit card (which I do not recommend!). I am 100% sure I made the right decision. Now Timothy is almost 6 and has 2 siblings, and my DH has a great job that supports us. We still can't live lavishly, but even if we had a lot of extra money we would personally prefer to live modestly and give our extra to people we know who need it.

Anyway, there will be negatives either way you choose (and positives), but I think the pros outweigh the cons in favor of staying home with your children. Some of the pros to consider: seeing all your child's firsts', having more time to love him, less likely he will be sick as often, he gets more direct attention, you love him more as a parent than a child care employee would.

You will be amazed at how quickly they grow up. I always think 'I'm only going to have them in this house about 18 years, and then they'll be out in the world for maybe up to 80! I better do my best while I still have them!' I love staying home and being able to teach them and give them guidance.

It's also nice practically that they can sleep in and take naps at regular times. And I can plan our days around what's going on with us, rather than when I have to work, when I'm supposed to pick up the kids from day care etc.

With all that said, if you want to go back to work, I would look into other options than day care... maybe a neighbor who does childcare or something?

One more thing to think about... how much money will you actually be bringing in once you consider the cost of childcare? (Also consider the potential cost of gas money, potentially more doctor visits for baby and therefore medicine) It probably isn't all that much all things considered. And since I stay at home, we decided to go down to one car, so that saves even more money for us. Not that it would work for everyone... but my point beings there's lots of ways to make it work!


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[Mouse7088]

Of course you know I am a stay at home parent We also have a home based business, this has only come into play tho in the past 2 years. We basically decide when we want to work harder for some extra $$$ or not. We REALLY needed to do something, going through all of the pros and cons, it just wasn't feasible for me to work part-time. If it was for an individually owned business it may have been ok. I was worried about the time off for school days, summers, holidays, snow days, etc...I REFUSED to allow anyone other than FAMILY to watch the boys. My Mom is still working and my MIL JUST retired, they both live pretty far for me to be driving back and forth picking up the boys or taking them. They also don't live any where near our school district so even while all of the boys are in school now, I can't expect a 9 yro. to be responsible for a 7 yro. for any longer than it takes me to run to the mailbox...LOL! I REALLY truly always thought I would go back to work when they all got in school. Well, it never hit me how much time I would still have to have off until last year when Codey was in part-time kindergarten. I have been home now for the most part for 11 years, I don't feel like I have lost any "edge"...maybe I did loose a little of my harshness about the world tho! I mean, you surround yourself with kids all day how can you not start understanding the way they see some of the world. Like Codey running in the house, slamming the door and leaning up against it like he was trying to keep out the boogie man. He was all out of breath and really frightened, his big Gecko eyes pleading with you to protect him from the bear he saw in the field next to the house...WELL, I am Mommy and there won't be any bears scaring my kiddos...I run to the window and that's when I saw the ferocious RACCOON! LMBO! Just think what I would have missed that day if I hadn't been home. Don't get me wrong tho...I would never insult someone who chose to work...it's the choice of you and your hubby. Some people HAVE to work, they don't have a choice. You're lucky kiddo to be able to even consider this.


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[Mouse7088]

Shaina...one more thing...you DO watch your money more carefully, but that's not a bad thing at all.
There are plenty of times we can afford more, but choose the less expensive route. For example, instead of all 5 of us going to an amusement park for the day, we may pack a BIG ole picnic and grab the fishin' poles! Maybe we DO go to the amusement park, but we STILL pack our own meals. You don't have to cut things out, you just have to be more creative is all. I mean, you want a family day together, it doesn't mean you have to be surrounded by roller coasters.
I watched two kids up until I was about 7 months preggie with my 2nd. son. It got to be too much for me, I loved the kids, but I was still stressed out. I wasn't getting the quality time with them that I wanted. I mean, the point of not working in a place of business was to be with my kids. Since I couldn't give them all of my attention, I ended up feeling like I was doing ore harm than good.

[teraberry]

Mouse's home based business is a good idea. There's lots of way to make money as a stay at home mom. (Beware of the scams) Maybe you could sell on ebay, have garage sales, babysit or regularly provide childcare at your house for a child, get into Pampered Chef, etc. I have a friend who is into Pampered Chef and the parties they do are pretty fun and great products. Just a few ideas. Let us know what you decide!


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[AndersonGal]

There is no right or wrong answer.
Many children turn out great no matter what and some don't no matter what.

Right now your in *mommy* mode and wondering what to do.
I think the only answer is within you.

Maybe you should just give this some time.
You can always go back and give it a try to see how you feel after the mommy hormones die down. ?

[Mouse7088]

Shaina..accounting is one of those things where you don't necessarily have to be on site to do...maybe you could find some offices, like doctors or dentists, where you could do the work at home?!?!?!?!
AndersonGal...you're right on...there isn't a set in stone right or wrong answer..it really varies for each person. With Colin being your first bambino it's EXTREMELY difficult to see someone else caring for him. Like the first time you and hubby had time alone, I bet you were constantly wondering how he was even though you had a lot of faith and trust in the person caring for him.


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[sblme28]

I think whatever you do is fine. And there's nothing wrong with wanting to go back to work. Your kids will turn out fine. My mom worked when I was little and my and my brothers all turned out great. So...whatever you decide is FINE!

[Shainie]

Okay - voice of a working mom coming in here. Do what is best for YOU and YOUR FAMILY.

I do have to contradict a few things teraberry pointed out. I thought "seeing the firsts" was always overrated. Seeing them do something new is exciting whether they did it at daycare earlier that day or not. I love my children SO MUCH that I feel they're still feeling it all day long. My love for them doesn't go away when I drop them off at daycare. There is a possibility they may be exposed to more illnesses - but just a trip to the grocery store is enough to catch anything (think of all those nasty hands on the shopping carts!) My SIL's boy doesn't go to daycare, and that kid has had every illness known to man (strep, pink eye, hand and foot disease . . . mine have had none of these) No one can love a child like his parents do . . . but that doesn't mean they don't benefit from the care from other people (grandparents, aunts/uncles, neighbors, etc.) That's why I chose an in-home daycare. She has my 2 boys, 1 other little girl, and a girl of her own. They get plenty of individual attention. Is it any different from a parent with 5-6 kids?

Working from home isn't always the best answer either. You're at home with your children, but that doesn't mean you have time to interract with them. My SIL does medical transcription at home, and since her littlest ones (twin girls age 2) were babies, they were propped up in front of the TV ALL DAY LONG. I'm thinking they'd get more variety in activites at a daycare - ya know? They're almost 3, and the only words they say are Mommy and No. Maybe from lack of interraction? But that's a whole other story. LOL

I work 4 days a week (took Wednesdays off after having my first boy) . . . and I do my best to give every second available to my sons. Even if that means doing laundry at midnight. I don't think it's the quantity of time you spend with them, but the quality.

If staying home means having no money for fun, and getting stressed out . . . then neither you or your children are going to benefit.

One piece of advice if you do plan on returning to work - don't waste your energy feeling guilty. Know you're doing the best you can, that you love your little one more than life itself, and that they're going to turn out just fine, no matter what anyone says.

After all that rambling . . . good luck with whatever decision you make - there's no one right answer for everyone! ((HUGS))

Rae Ann
p.s. I'm working because there's no way we could afford to live on one salary. Our house payment alone is $1300 a month.


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[teraberry]

I didn't know we had a Shainie and a Shaina T here - I must've thought all along you were the same person!

Anyway, I appreciate Shainie's perspective... but still think that if you can stay home, go for it. Shainie, my brother and his family live in Minnesota (St. Paul) and I know the cost of living there is really really high, which surprised me, so I can sympathize with that fact that you have high house payments. If you don't mind me asking how much do you have to pay for child care?

Shaina T - do you think that once you paid for child care, the paycheck left would be worth it? I've always wondered about this with a parent who may not be making much more than minumum, and has to pay a good chunk of that for childcare. It seems like it wouldn't really be worth it.

As for working from home... I certainly wouldn't condone putting your kids in front of the TV all day, but there still can be ways of making money from home without doing that.

From my personal standpoint (and I'm not knockin' those who feel differently) it would rip me to pieces to leave my kids at child care while I went to work all day. I love being home with them so much - and going out with them places so much.

When I nannied the mom said that when she used to drop her baby boy off at the day care center (before hiring me) she would cry all the way to work, because she wanted to stay and take care of him. She said too that she found out that most of the day he spent in an infant swing and ended up being slow developmentally. So, if you choose to go the route of a c.c. center, really do your research and make sure it's the best one you can find.

[jgrunden]

I am a stay at home mom- mother of a 3 year old son and a 10 month old daughter. It was hard to stay home at first but then I connected with my two next door neighbors and we really have fun when we get together during the day, usually once a week. (it's not lounging and talking like my husband teases me about) All my mommy friends cannot imagine missing out on the mornings with our kids. If I worked outside the home it would be the same hours as my husband and then it would be dinner, bath and bed. I know this is okay for some mom's but I just would not want to miss out on the day to day activites with them. It is true what everyone says about it going fast. When I look at my son I am so glad I did not miss major parts of his waking hours. It is worth it to me to take less expensive vacations and not eat out as often. As for career, I have a bachelor's degree in nursing and do not feel like I am wasting it by staying home. My mom stayed home with my siblings and me and now she is having so much fun doing all the community activites and working when she wants to. She always encourages me to really be in the moment at every stage of life. You can always work, your baby will only be little for a very short time. I wish you the best whatever you decide.


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[Mouse7088]

Ok...I have some comments on ShainIE's post...uhhhh, about those "firsts"..ummmm...ya know how many I missed BEING a SAHM? A LOT because the little boogers always seemed to show off their first skills when their Grandparents were watching them!!!!!!! LOL!

Ohhhhh and Shainie darlin'...you will NEVER have to give me any reason for why you work (as in housing being exspensive)..NO ONE should ever feel they have to defend their choice..SAHM or working outside the home Mama. Ok, I admit, when my SIL says she works to just to pay for their vacations I have to roll my eyes, I also don't find 4+ big time vacations a year attractive. That's just me tho

Now working FROM home, I would ONLY suggest giving that thought if $$ was a REAL issue. I had been receiving Child Support, like $400 a month, my ex stopped paying it one day and by then we really were depending on it to an extent. Kenny had talked of starting the candle business for a couple of years prior...it seemed like a VERY good time to start it!!!!!! LOL! We didn't miss the non-existing child support any longer. Oh...well...I do get some now for back support he owed, I canceled the CS when my oldest son went to live with him, they took him to court tho and the judge ordered.........$10.20 a WEEK! LOL! WOO-HOO!

Another good point made, well...actually a couple..lol..what ever you decide, it's not worth beating yourself up over...REALLY!!!!! Also, the little list Mayfly posted...those are just a FEW of the negatives...LOL! If you surround yourself with ppl. that don't support you and your family's decision it's VERY hard to feel a sense of pride 24/7. At least that's the way I felt...and sometimes still do because there are people who feel the need to always insult being a SAHP, maybe not as "in your face" as some..but even those little remarks made in a joking manner can add up.


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[jen6889]

I'm a stay at home mom too. I went back to work out of necessity after my ex and I split up and I was left to take care of Michelle on my own. Financial help from the state was more trouble that it was worth (was treated very rudely and my forms frequently went mysteriously missing ), so I relied soley on my income as a cashier at a grocery store. I had to move back with my parents, since, as you can imagine, a cashier's salary doesn't pay for diapers, formula, groceries, oil (for heat), electricity, car insurance and rent. I didn't have a phone because I couldn't afford it.
Michelle stayed with my Mom all day long and I wish it never had to be that way. You'd have to know my mom to understand, but I am still un-doing the damage my mother did. She spoiled her so much that Michelle is all about Michelle and unfortunately, she put ideas into her head that a child had no business being told and she still forces her ideas and opinions on her. This is why, if I ever have another child, my mother isn't coming to stay to watch the kids while I'm at the hospital. I'd rather pay a babysitter.

Now don't start having nitemares that this will happen to you because it probably won't. My mother is mentally very sick and it really is a long story that will take practically forever to explain.

On with my experiences....

After I had Cody, my dh & I sat down and figured it out. There was no way I was leaving Cody with my mom all day and I decided I'd really rather stay at home with him and Michelle(separation anxiety issues ). We looked at his lousy income as a Manager at a seafood restaurant and thought I would have to go back to work, but we both refused to leave the kids alone with my mother. So we looked at daycare and YIKES! By the time I got my paycheck at the end of the week, I would still owe money to the daycare so it was basically pointless to go back to work for an extra income.
Now that both Cody and Michelle are in school, I can go back to work if I want to. I haven't decided yet, but I'm thinking I'd rather not. There's the hassle of working around early release days and teacher inservice days and the holidays that the school may have off but I wouldn't. And what if I get the dreaded "your child is sick" call?

Personally, I think if you want to and can financially swing it, go for staying at home. You'll love being there with your child all the time and it's just the greatest feeling. Frustrating at times, but it's still wonderful.


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[AndersonGal]

Did I hear anyone mention that if quitting your job makes you unhappy it won't do any of you any good?