Stay at home parent or work full time

[cashhound]

Exactly Kriss!

Pros and cons both ways. And it is so personal. I know ShainaT will make the right choice for her and her family. Either way she goes, it will be difficult at first...but we all have learned to adjust and go on...whichever decision we made.

(((((((ALL moms))))))))


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[hrdlife1]

Originally posted by miriama59
This issue comes up a lot with my friends and I. One thing about this issue is that I am always amazed at the animosity involved in the working moms and SAHM issue. Really. I have always chosen to be a SAHM because I hated being raised by sitters. That was my personal decision. My mom went back to work when I was a baby and I hated it. I hated coming home to an empty house after school, hated not having my parents around. Does this make me insensitive to working moms? No. Every woman has a decision to make. Some have it made for them. Financially, we have made a lot of sacrifices with me staying at home but I think they were worth it.

And it is not just working women who are vilified, it is the SAHM as well. We are often depicted as unintelligent, lazy, boring, etc. And often we are used as the ones that everyone turns to for things because after all, we stay at home so we must have tons of time to bake your cookies, watch your kids, etc.

I ran a day care out of my home in Oregon for years and I have seen both sides of the issue. I know a lot of women who were torn by their decision but bent over backwards to be with their kids...taking off time for school programs, etc. They are the ones that appreciated everything I did with their children and we became friends and our families became friends.

I also have known a few women who I don't even know why they had kids...seemed like they had a child and went back to work right away and let others completely raise their kids. These are also the women that treated me badly while I took care of their kids..not showing up on time to pick them up, dropping them off sick or with lice, or just acted like I had nothing better to do than watch their kids.

I have also known SAHM moms that might as well have worked as they don't really do much with their kids except sit them in front of a TV and do their own thing.

My point is that we are all women, sisters if you will, and we should quit being so divided and think of ways that we can help each other. There should be better maternity leave for women, and paternity leave for men as well.

I still believe that it is a better world when one parent can stay at home with the kids. But it is also unrealistic in many ways. I hope I have not offended anyone by my views, especially my friends, but this is just my view.

If a person wants to go back to work, then maybe they should try it. If it works out, then WONDERFUL. If not, then they tried and now they can stay at home and figure things out from there. But as the saying goes "if Momma ain't happy, ain't no one happy" OR something like that.


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that answer was so dang good i just had to see it again, exactly kriss!!! *hugs to my sistahs!* LOL!

[cata5]

Another former fulltimer now SAHM...I wasn't sure how to express my feelings about this, but I think miriama59 has done a great job!!

We each have to decide for ourselves what we want and that even changes over time. Be flexible. Try it one way and see how it works. You can always change your mind. You can always find a compromise. There is no right answer...and certainly no easy answer.

One comment that I have to make is that many people think you should be home with your kids when they are young and then when they are in school it is time to go back to work. I'm finding that I am very glad to be home when my girls come home from high school! They are very willing to talk about their day at that time. We are really able to connect.

Good luck in your decision!!


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[teraberry]

Originally posted by cashhound
teraberry...how long did you work outside the home before you decided to stay at home? I mean, were you completely independent for as long as ShainaT was? To me, that is the biggest hurdle. Shaina, you know there was a period of adjustment after you got married...the figuring out the his/mine/ours thing...lol. It will be another adjusting period if you decide to stay home.



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I was on my own really since I left high school until I got married. My parents helped my monetarily very little during that period, because they simply didn't have a lot of money themselves. I was going to college fulltime and working about 30 hours/week on top of that. When I got married it was our money - even though I brought in some income for a short time when I got married, I didn't consider that to be a sign of my independence at all - it was definately OUR money. Once I had my first baby I only nannied a couple weeks before realizing it was too much for me to handle.

On a different note, I feel so blessed to have had a SAHM when I was growing up. The few times that I needed to go to a sitter (other than a family member) I remember really hating it. I felt sad when I was there. There were other kids there to play with, but the sitter didn't really interact with us all that much. I remember watching cartoons and having to lay down for quiet time, even though I had outgrown naps and didn't normally need that "lay down" time. It isn't a good memory.

[rebeccadavenport]

First of all, consider yourself lucky that you have a choice. That is great. I know some mothers that would love to stay at home with their kids but can't due to finances.

I am a SAHM and I wouldn't have it any other way. Its hard enough to do all the housework and take care of the kids and I couldn't even imagine what my house would look like if I did work!!

I say give it a try. If you don't like it you can always go to work. For me the pros far outweigh the cons. I hope it does for you also. To make a little extra money I sometimes babysit for friends or neighbors kids'. It all adds up!


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[luvmetender]

Originally posted by cata5
Another former fulltimer now SAHM...I wasn't sure how to express my feelings about this, but I think miriama59 has done a great job!!

We each have to decide for ourselves what we want and that even changes over time. Be flexible. Try it one way and see how it works. You can always change your mind. You can always find a compromise. There is no right answer...and certainly no easy answer.

One comment that I have to make is that many people think you should be home with your kids when they are young and then when they are in school it is time to go back to work. I'm finding that I am very glad to be home when my girls come home from high school! They are very willing to talk about their day at that time. We are really able to connect.

Good luck in your decision!!


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I'm also a former F/T employee. All three of my kids were in daycare from when they were 6 weeks old. They loved going, they made friends there that they still have to this day (now they are 11, 13, and 18 ) and they remember it as a very positive experience. I stopped working 6 years ago and for my family (and I stress "my family" because of course everyone has different circumstances and dynamics within their own families) this was when I felt they needed me to be home.

Both jobs are full-time, both are hard, and neither should be criticized.

We are all trying to do the best we can for our own happiness, financial situation, and the good of our children.

[mayfly]

Shaina, I have one other thought to add. This is so sensitive, and I feel like what I have to say will sound like I am trying to add guilt into the equasion. Please know that I am not. This is just a personal experience.


I babysat when my oldest was 1 year old. I watched a 5 week old boy, Brian, while his mom went back to full time work. This mom Did Love her son. I, having just had a baby, felt crushed that she was working, knowing the joys of a new baby. So I took tons of pictures, wrote her a daily notebook from Brians point of view so she knew what he did during the day. I got Brian at about 5 in the morning, until 5 in the evening.

I also worked part time at a video store in the evenings, so my dh watched Brian (and my dd) for a 1/2 hour until she came to pick him up. After about 5 months I was burned out, so she found another sitter.

2 years later she decided it would be best if she stayed home to be with Brian and her new 2nd son.

3 years later Brian died of a tragic accident. I am so thankful she had those 3 years.

This isn't to scare anyone, we can't live our life out of fear. But no one knows how long we have on this earth. We all only have today.

I do love staying home. It is hard at times (finacially, repetitiveness), but so is work. But I am so grateful for the priviledge of being with my peanuts. Not every minute I have during the day is quality time, there is a balance. The times that are are always unexpected, a moment caught that I treasure. Special things I see my kids do, or say. Yes you can still have that and work. But I am so glad I don't have to.

God bless sweetie. I feel for you. This really is an agonizing decision. Ultimately it comes down to you and your dh. Its good to get advise, but you know what they say about too many cooks in the kitchen. Trust your heart and gut, you are out for the best for your son, and it shows.


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[Shainie]

I was out of town all weekend, so I finally got a chance to read through the posts - I didn't thoroughly read them all . . . but anyway . . .

Mouse - I know I don't need to defend my reason for working - I was just pointing out one of the many reasons for working. Of course the major was our expenses - the house payment especially. And also, Minnesota has the HIGHEST cost of healthcare in the nation. So if I didn't work, we'd have to tack on another $650 a month just for health insurance! And another reason I work is because this is our family business, and I feel almost an obligation to stay there, especially now that my dad - the president of the company - died. My mom would go insane if she didn't have me there.

And because I work for a family company, that means I get time off whenever I need it. If the kids are sick, or if I just feel they need an extra mommy day, I get it.

If I was a SAHM - I'd also be raving about how wonderful it is, and that it's the best thing for our family, etc. And I do believe that it WOULD be the best thing for our family. But you don't always get the best, right?

So I make the best of what our situation is. I feel like an awesome mother. When you get compliments in the grocery store about how well behaved your kids are, you feel like you're on top of the world. I've been critisized by family members for spending so much time with my kids (because we don't go out on weekends or nights.) But for pete's sake, when I'm gone 4 days out of the week, why wouldn't I want to spend the remaining time with my kids? Being a mom is hard enough without being beaten down by other mothers for your decisions.

Some women don't want to be defined as mothers alone, and their careers are very important to them. That's their decision. Of course I have a hard time not judging also when they put their kids in daycare for 10 hours, then hire a babysitter to go away for the weekend too.

Barry and I go out as a couple maybe twice a year, because we enjoy just spending time at home with our boys!

Spending lots of time on the babycenter.com boards for the past almost 4 years, I have seen mothers say they could not be SAHM's, or tried it and hated it. It's not for everyone . . . just like working out of the home isn't for everyone. We all have different personalities that calls for different paths in life.

So anyway - even though I'm outnumbered here . . . I just wanted to add to my first post - that no matter what your decision, make the best of it!

We're all MOTHERS - working or not. And it seems to me that what we all have in common is we love the stuffins out of our little ones and are doing what is best for our families.

Rae Ann

p.s. Terraberry - I pay $180 a week for daycare, which I've found out is pretty cheap around here.


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[cashhound]

Originally posted by teraberry


I was on my own really since I left high school until I got married. My parents helped my monetarily very little during that period, because they simply didn't have a lot of money themselves. I was going to college fulltime and working about 30 hours/week on top of that. When I got married it was our money - even though I brought in some income for a short time when I got married, I didn't consider that to be a sign of my independence at all - it was definately OUR money.

I don't mean to belabor the point, nor make this seem like a personal attack And I hope I am able to type out what I'm trying to say without it coming across that way.

ShainaT was independent for a long time. Several years. And several years again after she got married. Every individual and every couple goes through transitions. I think ShainaT IS a little concerned for her independance...or her feelings of independance. The fact that you were able to make the adjustment easily is commendable. But, I feel the need to point out that you didn't have the years behind you that Shaina does. IMO, it will be just a bit more difficult for her to adjust. It's a completely different mind set when you are so used to KNOWING you are contributing to the common good monetarily.

In NO WAY do I mean to imply that SAHM's do not contribute. Believe me, I stayed at home for a short time (5 years) with my kids, and I know for a fact it is one of the hardest jobs in the world. Without a doubt I contributed to the common good by couponing, shopping sales, babysitting...and when I went back to work, it was difficult on everyone in my family to make the adjustment. They got used to being spoiled...lol.

It just seems to me the majority of replies in this thread are from SAHM's. ShainaT and her husband have a difficult decision to make. I am not really trying to influence one way or the other. I just don't want Shaina to feel guilty if, in fact, she DOES want to return to work. Or, if after she and her husband finish up discussions, decide they NEED for her to work.

ShainaT: whatever you decide, I think this LARGE group of caring moms will support you 100%.


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[chippers21]

ShainaT the decision is yours, and whatever you decide it is not irreversible. As a very happy former SAHM I and many others here have encouraged you to give it a try. I am 52 now and my kids are mostly grown, so I work 25 hours a week. I do not regret 1 minute of the 19 years between my last teaching job and my part-time position now at the YMCA. Some people are very career oriented and would be miserable at home, but I really think this is a small percentage of us. Some people have to work full time to pay the bills and I think that is a medium percentage of us. Many, many people have accepted the bill of goods that says you can have it all, work full time, have the big house and 2 or 3 cars, shop at the best stores, take cruises and other expensive trips and so on, without any price to your family life. I am here to tell you that there are only 24 hours in a day and if you work 8-10 of them and sleep 5-8 of them it leaves very little time for you to spend with your kids. It is totally your decision, but I hope you realize that you make sacrifices, whichever path you choose.


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[jskarp]

I still believe that it is a better world when one parent can stay at home with the kids. But it is also unrealistic in many ways. I hope I have not offended anyone by my views, especially my friends, but this is just my view.

Boy that said alot and

First of all, consider yourself lucky that you have a choice. That is great. I know some mothers that would love to stay at home with their kids but can't due to finances.

and what the first quote didn't say...this completed it.

I have been it all....worked full-time, worked part-time from home & part-time from work, and now I work part-time at night 25 hours a week after my children have gone to bed and I get home before they get up.

Everyone does what they have to in order to make the best home possible for their family. What is best for some isn't best for others. Most important is for all of you to be happy.


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[Mouse7088]

Shainie...kewl I think I would seriously give some thought to working if my family or friends of mine had a business of their own...then they would understand if I HAD to have time off for whatever reasons.

Ya know...I am actually quite happy that Shaina is undecided about the whole deal...because it does mean she has a decision to make, a choice. I'm sure you realize Shaina how darn lucky you really are.

Man oh man...another BIG must is that you have to have a partner that is COMPLETELY supportive. My first husband...well...lemme just say I heard "[u]I[u/] paid for that, not you." When I separated from him I went back to work..Walmart AND a small pizza shop. The kids stayed with him because there was NO way I could afford a paid babysitter plus the bills. At that point he would give me about $35 every two weeks..ugh. Well, one day he said "I'm tired of babysitting the kids!" Uhhhhhh HELLO! Let's just say Kenny and I discussed this for a total of 10 minutes, we had been "dating" (we've known eachother since I was about 14)..he told me to quit so I could get "us" straightend around and plan on moving our two homes into one. I did and it's been about 7 years now. I worked full time before the kids were born also.
Kenny has never divided the financial aspects between mine, his or ours. Actually when I use to do a lot of crafting and sold through his work he called that money MY money...I just giggled at that..of course it was ours, but I loved him for making me feel like I deserved it all
I know I could support myself and the boys if anything would happen...could I do an awesome job of it..uhhh..nope. That IS one thing I regret as of right now, I wish I would have furthered my education early on or before I had the kids..then I would feel a little more confident in that respect.
This week I am EXTREMELY grateful for being a SAHM. Kyle lives with his Dad, but he is staying with us for the entire week because of his surgery tomorrow. I don't have to stress about getting the time off or helping find someone to "cover me". Friday my youngest son was sick and of course it didn't hit him until about 5:30 a.m.....again...I didn't have to fret. Do these two incidents make it ALL worth it? Honestly? IMHO, no. If I LOVED my work, if we couldn't make it on just Kenny's income, if I could have a family member watching the kids...I would be working. Circumstances played my biggest deciding factor.
Uhhhhh...if I DID work...Kenny would divorce me! LOL! Why? Because I couldn't imagine what my house would look like!!!!! LOL! I suck at housework as it is...lol! I have become extremely lazy this year now that all of the kids are in sachool full time..it's almost like I am on my own little vacation most days. Just enjoying a whole lot of me time while they are in school and then I enjoy a whole lot of US time when they get home


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[tkkmasky]

mouse....

My hubby is the same way....the money he makes is "our" money and the (small) amount of money I make (through ebay, etc.) is mine, LOL...at least that's what he thinks, not me!

But my BIL on the other hand....his wife was a SAHM for several years and he always made her feel guilty, the money he brought home was "his" and he was going to spend it on whatever he wanted, it belittled my SIL and as soon as she could she got a job so she could make her own money. There is a lot of tension there, and a lot of it stems from the money issue, something that my dh and I don't have AT ALL!! bless my dh's heart.


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[hannahsmom]

i had the same thoughts when it was time for me to go back after hannah was born. i am really lucky because i can work from home, and did for as long as they let me.
it's very hard but worth it. i found that being in an adult atmosphere was something i liked. when you have a career, it's empowering. don't get me wrong. i adoreevery minute o spend w/ my children. i miss them when they're not w/ me. but having both time for my children and time for myself is a good balance for me.
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[Shainie]

Originally posted by Mouse7088
Because I couldn't imagine what my house would look like!!!!! LOL! I suck at housework as it is...lol!

Mouse - just so you don't have to imagine, I'll go home and take a picture of each room of my house . . . then you can see what your house would look like. LOL

The housecleaning takes the backburner to time with my boys!

I remember a while back many of the gals here on the boards were talking about being neat-freaks. Now I see why - 99% of you here are SAHM's! After working all day, the last thing I care to do is start cleaning when I get home. I clean 2 days a week, Wednesdays on my day off and Sundays. And that's not even close to enough since Bronson can destroy a room in 2.2 seconds!

Now if I could only afford a cleaning crew!

Rae Ann


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