So distressed...need some good advice

[chippers21]

It is a very long story which I may have shared parts of here, I am not sure. The bottom line is that my mother lives with my brother and sister-in-law in upstate NY, 16 hours away from me. Last year I had to tell her she could not move in with me as I had planned to have her do for years and years, because of financial and health reasons. She was mad at me and stopped talking to me completely. Since then I have written her long letters every month and shared our family news, and pictures. No response. Another brother just called me after he managed to take my Mom out to dinner while he was up there (he lives here too) on business, and he says that Mom said she never received any of my letters. They did not come back to me so my very evil ( and that is almost kind) sister-in-law has been intercepting the letters and not giving them to her. (The long and short of that story is that my bro and sister in law have taken over all of moms assets and plan to put her in a home about 30 miles from them when the Alzheimers gets too bad. Here she would have been a half mile up the street and I could have been with her every day)

Anyway what would you do? I am not welcome in their home. They did not let my brother step inside but sent mom out to him. My letters are not reaching her. Her Alzheimers is getting worse.
I am so upset about all of this I distract myself with computer games and have nightmares about my sister-in-law.


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[AndersonGal]

Sounds like you need legal advice hon.
Why does every family have someone like this in it?
UGH!
Well, hang tough, get some real advice (as much as I would love to help you out with this one) and just take it as it comes.

I know, this sucks.


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[hattielee]

First of all my heart goes out to you, what a horrible situation to be in. I agree with AG concerning legal advice. The bottom line for your own sanity is to find a way(any way) to contact your mom. Do whatever it takes! Try a registered letter. Do they let the brother who just visited talk to her on the phone? If they do could you just be there when he makes a call and have him hand the phone to you. If they are playing dirty you have to find a way to play dirty too. Even if you have to show up at there home and cause a scene. Do whatever it takes to resolve this situation with your mom!! I've had too many family members have regrets about not doing enough and then it being too late.

I'll be holding good thoughts and prayers for you.


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[hrdlife1]

i had no idea and i am so sorry you are going through this...

my best advice would be to go see an attorney, and have him/her draft a letter to your sister-in-law and brother stating that because your mother is in ill health you are directing the letter to them via the attorney and that will at least let them know that you have legal representation and that you would like to see your mother and have your letters given to her...

that's the best advice i have, besides calling them and finding out why they are doing this....if it doesn't help, possibly it could rattle them a bit....

(((((((((((((chippers))))))))))))))))))))))


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[cinifini]

{{{{{{{{{{{chippers}}}}}}}}}}

Along with getting hold of an attorney...get your brother to go in on it with you. I would think that a judge would look at the numbers and if you and your brother go after them, I would THINK it would help.

Keep us informed, huh? My heart is with you...along with thoughts and prayers.

Cini

[chippers21]

Thank you for your good thoughts and prayers. We already covered the legal angle months ago. My attorney advised me not to move Mom down here because my brother had legal documents that made her property his 6 months after she moved.
We also found out that we would need Moms assets to find her a nice place here when the Alzheimers got bad. So we lost all opportunity to move her here with us. We tried to find her an assisted living facility there and she hated it and resented us. She got my brother to "rescue" her and she has been living with him ever since. They have converted her home to a rental property, and taken out a $15000 second mortgage on it to buy themselves a new car.
My brother who lives here and just got back after taking her out to dinner, says she talks about how unhappy she is. This is nothing new, but it adds to my heartache.
There is some good news, maybe. A third brother hopes to have Mom visit his home in Pennsylvania around Christmas and I will definitely go see her if that happens. And my 4th brothers eldest son is planning to get married soon, so maybe I can see her at the wedding.
I just wondered if you all thought I should try registered letters or bite the bullet and call over and over until they let me talk with her.


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[mickyphoenix]

Wow have I been there.
It was between us Grandkids and my Uncle my mothers only living son ( looser Drunk never had a job because if he did he would of had to pay childsupport). Ya know what we ended up doing after fighting and fighting about my grandmother is we just had to give up. After her second fall in a month and another broken hip the Drs told him that she couldnt say with him (in her own home) because he wasnt taking care of her well enough. With her being in the assisted living home she looks so much better and gets such better care but we hate seeing her there we offered everything to keep her out and he knew in away what he was doing he wanted her out so he could sell her home and have all the money, but here in NY that too didnt work. State now has home and he has to pay for everything on it until he either moves out or they sell it. State will get all the money when it is sold because she needs the medicade to pay for her living.
I guess what I am saying is my uncle and his so called plans blew up in his face and now he is going to have nothing when he could of had everything, he pushed us all away and now he made his bed he will have to lay in it. He tried to come back to us and ask us to help him get Gram out of hosp but we said HEY you wanted this now you figure it out. YOU BURNED YOUR BRIDGES.
I have a feeling that its a whole money issue with your brother and his wife. Something else is going on with them. Like my uncle he took a mortgage out on my grams house that was paid in full and we still dont know what he did with the money. He had gram sign papers and she didnt know what she was signing and he to got to mail before her.
Im sure you have some right to what is going on with your mother. BUT things sure do sound real fishy.
DIG DIG DIG as deep as you can

[hattielee]

[quote]Originally posted by chippers21
[b]
I just wondered if you all thought I should try registered letters or bite the bullet and call over and over until they let me talk with her.

I'd do both.

[guessswho]

My heart goes out to you and my prayers are with you.

My parents are elderly (Dad 96 and Mom 83) they are both in reasonable health for their ages, however, Dad recently was in the hospital which made us think. If he needed to go into a nursing the state would take the house. We (my Mom, sister & 2 brothers) have contacted a great elder care lawyer and she is a big help. We were advised that the state looks into their financials over the past 3 years. This means that if your Mom signed the house over to you brother, they might still be able to take it if she goes into a home in less than 3 years.

We are going through a lot of paper work now, trying to avoid any problems in the future. Thank God, Dad is doing better and is back home with Mom.

Just a few thoughts of what I am going through, I live in NYC so does my parents so I don't know if the laws are different or not. Just make sure your lawyer specializes in elder care they know a lot more than the others will.

Take care

[chippers21]

Yes my lawyer was a specialist in elder-care, but the problem was he was a specialist in elder care law in North Carolina and my mom is in NY. My bro and sister in law checked out the law in NY and did it according to their laws there so I guess we are unable to do anything about what they have done. It is terribly ironic because all the other brothers and me have no desire for Moms assets, we are all financially independent and doing fine. We would have agreed to my youngest bro getting the assets that remained after Moms passing, he just didnt want to wait that long. My sister in law always said how bad Mom was getting but she also said that whenever a document needed signing Mom made her desires "perfectly clear" LOL

[3tbear]

I'd go with the legal advice too. I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles. Your poor mom. It's horrible the letters never got to her. She probably thought you didn't care. That's the worst part of it. I hope things go your way soon.


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It is such a sad situation when families act this way, and life is too short to be fighting with your mother in the middle.

Have you asked the attorney to submit papers to make you your mother's legal guardian since she has Alzheimer's and someone will have to handle her affairs? It can't be done just on a say-so by your brother and sister-in-law. I would pursue something like that if you haven't already.

Best of luck to you and I hope you get to see your mother over the holidays.

[mickyphoenix]

If you want give me the county your mom lives in and ill see what I can come up with for you. When we had all this crap going on with my Gram I found alot of stuff on here about that situation.

For now here is some stuff that may be able to help ya but im not sure lol take a look for yourself
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I hope some of that will help ya a little

[kat]

{{{chippers}}}

Talk to all of your brothers, except the one that's keeping your mom, and see if maybe you could all go as one to an attorney. For those that don't live closeby, have them fax in their info so that the attorney knows that it's all of you vs this one brother.

He's not looking out for your mom's best interest - and that's what is important here.

[AngelswDirtyFaces]

So very sad..

All very good advice here.
I'd go with the shared attorney w/ your other brothers.

This came to mind, as I was reading your post
only out of concern, I wonder about the condition of her living?
( might help you in court * if it's not good at your brothers)
because they wouldn't let your other brother in the house?
what are they hiding?


She's your Mom, don't give up with out a fight.

{{{Best to you & your Mom }}}


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