Help should I get a job outside the home?

[lpalm]

Ok now I just spent 2 hours on the phone with my neighbor who is accepting a full time job offer. She had been at home with her son since he was born. Most of my friends except two have gone out to get jobs and I am really feeling pressure. I wonder if it is time and by not doing so I am being lazy and not contributing to our finances. My husband makes good money although things are tight all the time but we get by and have 3 pensions going and a small amount in savings. Our two oldest are in school but our daugher is only 4 and home with me. Our credit card debt is higher than it should be but other than that we have only our house and a vehicle payment(which is not ridiculously high) I am really torn here and could use some input.

thanks
Lisa

[stking]

Lpalm-I know how you feel. For a long time I did not know any other stay-at-home-moms and felt it was hard. My situation is a little different because I have two at home and one in school. I have been home ever since the second one was 6 mos. (He's 4 now.)
I have never been a real "career-minded" woman. I got my college degree and was working but really welcomed the idea of staying home when we thought we could afford it. My mom was home everyday when I got home from school and I really wanted that for my kids. I do not feel I am missing anything by not having a full-time job and feel I would be missing alot if I only saw my kids two or three hours everyday. (Just my opinion of course!!!) I do, however, look forward to when they are all in school so I can maybe get a part-time job to have a little extra money.

It is up to you and don't let anyone else try to change how you feel deep down!! If you really miss working, work. If not, let the deals here help you make ends meet while at home (like I do!)

------------------
stking@dealofday.com

[Tracir]

After reading your GREAT contributions to the board- you should do what makes you happy. Who cares what the "Jones" are doing.

I don't have kids yet but plan to stay at home when I do. I like working but feel like my role is to be a mom one day. Kids stay out of trouble when they know mom is going to be there when they get home from school. Great example that will scare the pooh out of you but my mom's neighbor's daughter got pregnant-15!- last year one afternoon she was home "alone" before her mom got home from work! SCARY!!! I realize that's an older child but you know what I am saying.

Just my opinion but you should do what makes you proud and feel good.
By your postings- you are a wonderful mother and wife. You have such great ideas!!

Hang in there!
Traci

[lpalm]

Wow thank you so much for the kind words. A funny thing just happened. This friend called me back about an hour ago and we got to talking again and she admitted that there were some problems in the marriage and with her husbands business her being at home has left a lot dumped in her lap and that she has become the target for a great deal of disrespect by some of the people who travel through her house on a regular basis because of her husbands side business. I wonder if she is really feeling the need to secure her future in case things dont work out in her marriage and also to remove herself from an unpleasant situation. I guess I need to focus on how lucky I am because I have a husband who works very very hard for his family, spends a lot of time with his kids, and is nothing but respectful toward his wife. No he does not clean toilets, wash dishes, or scrub floors(YET!) however he changed almost as many diapers as I did ungrudginly, encouraged me to go out with friends, and has not ever made me feel like I should go out and get a paying job! He does do laundry, shovel dog doodoo, show up for all the kids school sports activities, helps them with homework and never once has he hinted my waistline was becoming disproportionate with the rest of my body! Guess I needed a few hours to step back and see I was not looking at the whole picture.
Thanks again
Lisa

[scorch]

I agree that you should do what your heart tells you. It isn't easy to run a household, and I get depressed sometimes that I don't bring home a paycheck, especially now that my kids are in school. But points and freebies really help me feel better! Remember you are not alone If you want to vent or just natter with someone feel free to email susan at sunvalley dot net!

[sdfem17]

My feeling is that a woman must always be financially capable to take complete responsibility for herself and her children and not to "have" to depend on anyone for support.

I belive that working parents are a good example for children and that the social interaction of day care/school etc., assuming the place is a diverse and multi-culturally nurturing environment, is important for a child to develop into an openminded, tolerant and accepting individual.

I stayed at home for awhile and then went to work. I think I was a more interesting person because I worked and my daughter turned out just fine!

[lpalm]

I agree a child needs social interaction however I become very concerned when a parent tells me there is nothing detrimental about a child being in daycare for 40 plus hours a week. It is my opinion that nobody can love your child like you do. The stability that comes from knowing your parent is there with you day in and day out in my opinion can not be duplicated in a day care setting. To be completely honest I have never and honestly never met a mother or father who felt comfortable putting their child in daycare full time. Part time is another story. God gave me my children to take care of full time and I feel all children who are forced into full time daycare lose out on the one on one physical psychological and spiritual nurturing that can only come from significant time spent with healthy parents. Putting a child in day care full time in my opinion is equal to surrogate parenting. I do not need to work outside the home to feel like a better person. If I am feeling ill effects from being home full time I have many avenues I can and do pursue with and without my children to make me a "better person". volunteering in my childrens school, regularly visiting with other stay at home moms, pursuing areas of personal interest, securing our families financial future through investing, and other means are a few ways I keep variety in my life. I guess I have no doubt that God will take care of me and show me what road to take should I find myself without my husband. I am an intelligent educated woman with a strong faith and most of the time I dont doubt I am where I belong. My best friend not too long ago admitted to me that she had chosen to work full time because she did not believe she could handle being home full time. I knew in my heart the issue was her feelings of unworthiness over not bringing home a paycheck. I also knew that she could work through that and come to see how she could make it work and enjoy doing so. There are days I want to get a job just to bow out of full time parenting but I know it is not Gods will for me and in doing that I will not make anything easier. Most of the time I am so full of gratitude to have done a pretty good job of doing what I feel is the hardest job in the world that of raising a family full time.

Whoa...I'm going to refrain what I really want to say because I believe a couple of comments were said just to get a bee in the bonnet. I don't HAVE to depend on anyone to support me financially, my family has been blessed w/ the mere fact we have a choice!!!! Ok, we watch our spending, but what family doesn't, whether it's a 1 or 2 family income. I like the fact that my children aren't in someone elses care, especially since we are in a position to not do so. I work very hard and for anyone to tell me I don't well...that's your problem and not mine! Stay at home mothers have enough guilt on their own w/o having ppl. throwing the constant fact that we don't have a paycheck w/ our names on it at the end of the week. Noper, we do all of our work for a simple pay...out of the sure and pure unselfishness of our hearts.
I hold a great respect for women who can work outside the home and have the family pressures. I believe we deserve the same respect. I truly think if all women had the choice to stay at home, more would. Life isn't that way and we don't all have that as an option. Some women are raising children on their own w/o any support financially or emotionally..my mother was one of those women for many years. I hold the upmost repsect for her and all of those who are doing the same. You are doing what's best for your kids in my eyes! Too many households these just plain and simply need two incomes just to function.
I get so tired of hearing how stay at home mothers are lazy soap opera watching frumps! I'll tell ya something, my hubby did the "Mr. Mom" thing for about three days, while I was too sick. He told the other mothers at school that he didn't know how I did it. He was rejoicing in the fact that I was much better and he could go back to work. He also found a new respect for me, although he has always been respectful and 100% in favor of me being home, he reached a new level in those 3 short days. Any one who is pondering over the same "do I or don't I" question...you do what you feel is best, keeping in mind the financial situation etc. Many factors do have to be taken into consideration and your spouse needs to be in agreement as well, because if not, that will cause problems down the road.
I hope to one day live to see the day when stay at home mothers get the respect we deserve, but I have a feeling that with such simple and closed minded ppl. that is far beyond my lifetime. I think as women in general we need to support one another, not down one or the other because of the career we chose or didn't choose. Many may think I am a lazy person for this choice, but you know what I think? I think I am a very strong person who said I didn't give a crap about what a lot of other ppl. thought or said of me~

[This message has been edited by Mouse7088 (edited 11-02-2000).]

[kat]

Whoa... I know I'll be holding my tongue here (I actually just deleted a full message because it wasn't very nice).

I am however going to say just this:

Respect MUST be given to all - those who must go to work, those who choose to go to work & those who choose to stay home. Some people simply are not meant to stay at home with children (my own mother was one of those people), and I do believe that a parent who spends a full day with their child is doing an extremely rewarding job.

And, while social interaction is important for both child & parent, it's not the function of a school to entertain children. As an educator, I've seen many children who come to school unprepared because the parents think that school is a babysitting service. Likewise, I've seen many young adults ill-equipped to cope with a job because they assumed that someone should be entertaining them 24/7 (sorry, but the work ethics I've run into lately with most of these kids is horrible!).

I just gave my boss notice that once we finish up with this project, I am quitting. Trying to work nights & be up all day with the kids is just too much, but I am very lucky that working was a choice and I do have the option to quit. And, yes, there will be those people who think that I'm just sitting home watching tv (no go - not with 4 kids at home!) - but instead I'll go back to being the house that is there for the kids to hang out at after school. Amazing, isn't it - the kids would all rather be over here at my house with an adult present at all times than hanging out in an empty house or the park or the mall or anywhere else...

------------------
[Only registered and activated users can see links. Either login above or Register Now]

DealofDay.com
Save Money, Have Fun!

[lectric]

I am a stay at home MOM. This is what works for us. If I want to earn extra money I'll watch another child after school ...I also do surveys and earn my own money.
In Italy husbands must contribute to a retirement plan for their wives. Its the law!
Some people feel that the demise in our youth is due to lack of parental guidence.
My children mean more to me than a paycheck.
lectric

[scorch]

How could you say a woman should take full responsibility? Last time I checked it takes two people to conceive a child.

The original post was about the CHOICE to stay home or get a job, and maybe you don't have that choice and I'm sorry if you don't. But don't take it out by insulting those who have the choice and strength to stay home and raise their own children.

You don't sound interesting to me, you sound bitter and resentful.

You must have one heck of a job that makes you more "interesting" than being a mother.

Scorch..I totally agree w/ what you said, if it's at all possible, then both parents have to be responsible in raising the children. However they decide to share those responsibilities is their decision. Lord I'm sick of feeling like I need to defend stay at home moms. I don't insult women who work outside the home. Why should this always be some kind of battle?!?! It's a sad thing really. I refuse to sink to another level though and treat other women differently because of the choice they made when it comes to this. Once again, we don't all have the same options in this world.
My older sister told me she couldn't wait to get back to work after having her second child because she couldn't handle being at home all the time. She didn't criticize me for doing it, she complimented me for doing it. Saying I had the patience of a saint...lol! Well, the way I see it, she isn't use to being home as I wouldn't fare to well if I would be thrown into a 9-5 job. It takes time to get use to either one. She's a mental therapists, so I took her words straight to heart. I will always support mothers, working inside or outside the home. Some where there has to be a mutual respect. I will gladly show it. I feel by doing this, I am teaching my own children to do the same. I have all boys and I deffinitly don't want them thinking one is better than the other. They have friends who's mothers stay at home and those who work outside the home. They don't think this is either wrong or right, it's just the way that family works..TOGETHER!!!!
Kat...thank-you!! Coming from a mother who does work outside the home, seems to make me feel a little more positive I also decided not post something I had first written, why..same reason as you.
Scorch...thank-you!! When they're are mothers like you, I don't feel alone when I get on my "soap-box" I think you have good way of looking at this whole situation, meaning..one doesn't deserve more respect than the other

BTW...I don't feel as if I'm a boring or non-interesting person because I am at home w/ my kids...sit down w/ me and I will always have a funny story to tell you about my day..earlier it may not have been so darn funny though I am a very well rounded person with many interests and hobbies. I don't have just the children and home to speak of, I can carry a conversation with the most elite of persons and not feel like a dolt I can go to one of my hubby's business functions and carry myself just as well as any other woman there...sometimes with a little more cofidence in myself than others. None of it is for show only, it's the person I am. So maybe, instead of just assuming a woman is boring and tiresome because she chose to stay home, you should take the time and talk to her, you may learn something very valuable!!! Ok, stepping down!

[lpalm]

There is no doubt in my mind that many parents do not have the option to stay at home I have several friends among them. And I sincerely apologize for offending anyone It is obviously a sensitive subject for me. My best friend asked after our second son was born "when are you going to get a job?" That hurt tremendously and is actually ironic now as she is a stay at home after working until her daughter started school. Not all parents should be stay at home parents I believe in my heart many do not have what it takes. I will repeat what I said earlier though in that it disturbs me to see a parent obviously trying to justify their working full time by insisting their child is not missing out on anything by being in daycare full time. I get very frustrated with a society that insists that so called studies show there are no detrimental effects to being in daycare full time. Lets face facts and look at the moral and spiritual decay of our country!And what about the subtle changes in our daycare kids we overlook for fear of the guilt hurting too much. Children who are in day care full time very very often lack the self esteem, empathy, nurturing skills needed because they missed out on very important quantity time(not just quality time)necessary for strong emotional growth. I often think about the children in day care day after day who silently ask why they have to be there so much, or wonder why mommy has to work so much when in fact they may not have to work full time but choose to. When a child is hurting they need there mother father grandparent for comfort,the person responsible for raising them, not a daycare provider that will comfort them when and if they can. The people that take care of them in their home should be the ones on a regular basis providing that nurturing, love. That is the way God intended it to be I believe and no amount of arguing is going to make me believe God ever intended for both parents to let their child be taken care of, nurtured by anyone but them for 50 hours a week unless absolutely necessary. Can a woman have a career with kids, absolutely but I believe their children if possible should be in their care more time than a child care providers. How sad that society tells us it is ok to let someone else spend 8-10 hours a day raising a child while we as the parents get 2 by the time we get home feed them and put them to bed. Oh well I guess it can be justified by saying we get the weekends with them in between laundry shopping cleaning house repair outside commitments. To Mothers who have to work and dont want to I say keep praying for change.

[rebhun]

this thread is certainly getting some strong reactions...

WOW!!

[This message has been edited by rebhun (edited 11-03-2000).]

[iluvcoupons]

For those of us who didn't have a silver spoon born in our mouths... you'll more than likely have to work. It all depends on your situation, how tight money is, are the bills getting paid an so forth. Most families don't have the luxury of having a choice. But, it depends on how you really feel about it and not what everyone else thinks. I myself don't really have a choice but to work. Even if I did have a choice, I would not make a good stay-at-home mom.

The choice is yours & nobody else's