Apparently I'm single

[kirsey2121]

Well apparently I am now a single mom and I can hardly breathe. TJ & I have had issues (who doesn't) but I thought we were trying to work through them and were making progress,apparently, unknown to me, I was wrong and tonight he pretty much told me he didn't want to be w/ me (in every other way) but w/out actually saying it, I feel lost, sad, disoreiented, confused, angry, hurt, i can't even explain, we have been together for 4 years and he pretty much told me tonight the only reason we were trying to make it work is for Holden

[tlspiegel]

Awww, this is sad news. Sending healing prayers to you for strength and guidance.

[kirsey2121]

I just wanted to be a family, I don't know if I can "share" Holden @ Holidays and pretend like everything is okay, he is a sweet boy and doesnt deserve this

[YorkieLover]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your son, and you're sure to be pretty devastated for a while. The way I see it, if he doesn't want to be with you, what can you do? :( I hope you can be strong, pick yourself up, and get on with your life, and be the new family you are, you and your boy. Someday you will find the man who appreciates and loves you and your son with all his heart ... the way you two deserve to be.

For now, nurture yourself and Holden. You will see light again. :bear:

[AndersonGal]

Take your time and grieve then lift up that chin.
I'm single again after 23 years of marriage.
I know I'll survive and so will you.
Believe it or not I don't feel as lonely being single as I did being married.

If the two of you are meant to be together, you will be.
If not then there is something better waiting for you in the future.
Now, get yourself together and love yourself enough to embrace the good that will come your way one day.

Life is not over.

[hmsram]

I am sorry this is happening to you :(

I am sure you are really totally confused right now...but this is probally for the best... if things are not working out and he does not want it to work out then it is best he goes... now you can get your life together and make a nice life for you and holden... It will take a while but you will be fine and dont blame your self for any of this , it is likely that he would be unhappy no matter what you would do ... we will all be here for you when ya need us...just a few clicks of the keyboard away ;)

sending you and holden lots and lots of hugs ((((((((((((hugssssss))))))))
also if you can pm me here or email me at [EMAIL="[Only registered and activated users can see links. Either login above or Register Now]"][Only registered and activated users can see links. Either login above or Register Now][/EMAIL]

take care of ya self ok

[katlnhats]

Awww, Kirs...

I'm so sorry, but you know it's not the end of the world. You and Holden deserve much, much better than you're getting and it's (speaking from experience here) better to do this now, when Holden is young, then to "get through" many years and then do it, and say, OK, now it's enough.
My first divorce was when Dave was almost 3 "months" old. And I was about a year older than you are.
I filed, but there's a reason why and it worked out wonderfully, after I got myself back together ( and you will too ), the reason being that once I had a child, and I too, just wanted to be a family but when the other part of the family will not be happy and cause problems all the time, THAT, you don't need. Your little one will be happier with you or just as happy cuz your his Mom and he loves you with all his heart whether you're married or not. How many times have we heard from adults and older children, how they "wished" their parents would divorce as they were making each other miserable and also their kids "always" get caught up in it as well.
Holden is young enough where you'll be able to avoid all that and also, when, NOT if, you find the person who's right for you, Holden and you and whatever other children you may have or not, will BE that family you want so much. Believe me, I know... I'm going on 21 years w/Mark and he legally adopted Dave, by mutual consent - meaning I had Dave wait till he was old enough to decide and ask himself, but he always called Mark, Daddy.
TJ will be the one left out. You will not be, as you'll have custody, so being the custodial parent, you'll also have more say in things. Grieve, and then get good and angry, that usually comes after the sadness, then get going on with your life, which is going to be a wonderful one, you'll see,

((((((((((Hugs,))))))))))))))))))
Marilyn

PS - Feel free to pm me "anytime" or e-mail also! Hugs to Holden too!

[Kygal2003]

(((((HUGS))))) Sorry that this is happening to you. Time will heal all wounds. Take care of yourself and your son as he comes first.

[kirsey2121]

thanks everyone. tj is a good dad but he has literally discarded me like I mean nothing, it makes me feel like besides holden the last 4 years of my life have been a waste; How can he can act this way towards me and just let me go so easily? For someone who referred to me as his lover and his best friend? I certanly don't get it and he certainly has no explanation for me, juust that we are done, and he wants it to be permanent, no "seeing" how things go, just done

[whitequeen96]

I'm so sorry; I know it's so painful. But I've gone thru something similar, and it's just like AndersonGal said; I'm less lonely now than when I was with my husband. It takes a while to get to that stage, and I know you'll be in shock and grieving for some time, but life DOES get better. And not just better than the way you feel right now, but it will actually be better than it was back when you thought things were so good. This is because you'll be older and wiser and you'll come to appreciate yourself and all the good qualities you have. Just get through this rough time, and you WILL come out in a better place; I promise!

[verwon]

Eventually, when the pain of this eases, you will see a better life ahead. There is someone out there who will love and cherish both you and Holden, someone who will love you more than life itself and worship the ground you walk on. It will take time, but it will happen. You are smart enough to make it through the pain and heartache and come out on the upperside of this.

Remember, he is the one doing the walking, not you, so you have nothing to feel guilty of and you did nothing wrong. Some men, just can't be content with the family thing, no matter how hard they try to convince both you and themselves that it is what they want. There are several people here, both male and female, who have already struggled through these types of things, so the advice you see is heartfelt from those who understand your situation.

The first 5 years of any relationship are really the hardest, that is when you are still working, whether you are married, living together, have kids, or whatever the situation, that first 5 years is when you usually find out how, if ever, it is going to work.

[verwon]

He also might not be dealing well with the fact that he is no longer the only one of importance in your life, many people struggle when they have their first child, and some are just never able to adjust to this change.

[kirsey2121]

he is "struggling" w/ the fact that he wants to be "free" from me, he wants to be able to stay on the computer playing a game, all night w/out worrying about spending time w/ me, he wants to get off work and go roam around and do whatever instead of coming home and playing with holden, he essentially told me he wants control of his life, and to him that basically means the freedom to do whatever the heck he wants except for those couple afternoons a week he will take holden, it is just hard, he doesnt want to committ himself to me, and I am just having a hard time getting rid of the mental pictures of our family vacations and I don't want to share holden on the holidays, its selfish but i love christmas and holidays so much and I dont want to miss a moment w/ holden, and next summer i'm certain his family is going to want to take holden on vacation for a week to texas and it is just hard to think about spending days at a time w/out him, the other fact that bothers me is I sat around and waited for him to break up w/ me and that just isn't the type of girl I am, I knew he didnt want to commit, had issues w/ me, wanted to roam around doing whatever he wanted and he said things to me that if I had a friend in my place I would have told them to turn around and run the other way, but I didn't I stayed, and that is what makes it worse for me, that I let him have control over me, I guess silly me for thinking he'd see the light and realize being a family and working through our problems was important, its hard to have reality smack u in the face that the person you have been head over heels for, for about 7 years now, and was certain was "the one" isn't, and i know what's meant to be will happen and I'm trying to see the glass half full, I have to for the sake of holden, Holden looks IDENTICAL to TJ and its hard, I feel as if he can sense something is going on, and that his mama doesn't feel right, he just got whisked out of his home and his routine and sent to live w/ his mama @ his grandmas house, i dont know how to regain the stability I felt I had

I dont mean to keep dwelling and I know others have gone through, its my turn now I guess and I think I may go see a doctor on monday for some guidance. Does anyone know of a way to look up doctors specifically specialized in treating depression? I don't trust my regular doctor' advice on the subject, I want someone who specializes in figuring out exactly what type I am suffering from (This has been an ongoing problem not just b/c of breaking up) and I've decided that if I am going to start my life over I want to do it right from the inside out, I need to heal myself, take up new hobbies, get back some old friends and start enjoying my life with a more positive, optimistic outlook.

[june72]

Bless your heart. I don't know where you are coming from, but I wanted to offer you my thoughts and prayers. The Lord will get you both thru this. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[TTMommy]

My heart goes out to you.... So many of us have "been there," and hearing words of comfort helps, but not as much as we wish it could. Your pain and sense of betrayal are very real and intense right now, compounded by feeling, in some way, like you've brought at least part of it on yourself and, by extension, your son. There are stages in the process of working this through and eventually getting past it, and how you're feeling now is very normal. Seeing a professional is a good idea. You need someone trained to help you truly believe, deep inside yourself, what others are telling you--that it's not your fault; that if he doesn't want to be there, you're better off without him; that you will survive this and come out stronger and more "you" than you've ever been; that your son will be fine; that, while your life will never be the same, you can craft other dreams of peace and security and happiness that don't include someone who doesn't value you.

The National Board for Certified Counselors (counselors and social workers) has a provider search:

[url]http://www.nbcc.org/counselorfind2[/url]

as does the American Psychological Association (psychologist):

[url]http://locator.apahelpcenter.org/[/url]

This article also seems well-balanced and informative:

[url]http://www.metanoia.org/choose/[/url]

It's good also that you're coming to the forum for comfort and support. You have a lot of friends here, and sometimes you just need a place where you can feel safe venting. Use whatever resources you have available to you, and always remember--this, too, shall pass....