| Sorry that this is going to be long - I do tend to talk quite a bit. I wasn't going to post, but as I thought about it, I decided to be the lone voice in the wilderness, for as you'll see if you read on, I have a different opinion on how to handle tantrums.
Just about everyone has this problem with their children. My mother also says that "none of her kids ever did that" ... I think that time just dulls the memories. It sounds like the question you're asking "how can I control him", and I'm afraid the answer to that question is - you can't. You can only help him to learn to control himself. In fact, if I had to pick the the most important thing to remember about dealing with tantrums, it would be that it is never helpful to punish a child to try to stop a tantrum.
Yes, I know, I can hear some of you already - you think I live in la la land ... but bear with me here.
No doubt, my method does take more time and effort on the part of the parent. But in the end, it saves you tremendously - both in terms of time (fewer tantrums) and stress (for both you and your child). And your relationship with your child will be stronger and better than ever.
Children throw tantrums when they have a frustration or stress that they can not cope with. Because each child is different, they can tolerate different levels of frustration, which is why it seems that some children throw fewer tantrums - they're handling stress better. I think it's important to remember that it's probably not one thing ... usually the anger of the tantrum is mixed with other feelings. Little kids are often frustrated because there are so many things that they want to do but they can't, and so many things they want to express but they lack the language abilities to do so. There may also be other feelings like fear. You need to determine what's causing your child the stress or frustration so you can help alleviate some of that stress. It's hard to be little with lots of big people telling you what to do and what not to do!
A little tantrum lasts only a short time and during it your child is not completely out of control. If your child is throwing mainly little tantrums, it's probably "something small" which comes into your child's life on top of a lot of other stresses or frustrations, and so it becomes the thing that tips him over into a tantrum.
Giving your child plently of room to move and explore, and regularly scheduled RELAXED time can help! Count up how many "no's" there are in your child's life and try to remove some of them. When you see your child becoming frustrated or restless, try to distract him - pull out a mixing bowl and a bag of dry beans and let him play "cook". Set up glasses of water so he can play music with a spoon - plan what you will do when you see the signs of an upcoming tantrum so that tantrums don't happen very often - throwing tantrums is also stressful for the child!
If a tantrum happens in a public place you need to be strong enough to be able to leave the shopping where it is and take the child out to the car or wherever it is quiet until the tantrum is over. When you child quiets down be sure to tell him you are pleased that he managed so well.
Emphasizing the positives will lessen the chance of future tantrums in public. Don't be embarassed because your child is throwing a tantrum - no matter how many dirty looks you get! Tantrums are normal and natural!
Big tantrums are very frightening - not only for you, but for your child as well. They lose control of their feelings, and it quickly spirals up in intensity. Children who are having a big tantrum CAN NOT listen to reason. Punishments such as consequences or time-out won't work, as you have seen. And if you follow the standard advice of just ignoring it, you can increase the anxiety and stress for your child and actually make it more likely to happen again. When you child is out of control, he needs to learn that feelings can be controlled. He needs to know that you are in control - it's very important for you to stay calm and not to yell. Your child needs to know that you will keep him safe and you will not punish or leave him. Stay with your child during the tantrum. Hold him if you can, if not stay nearby until the worst of the tantrum is over. I know it can be very hard, but just try to clear any sharp objects of out his way and give him the time to regain control. Talk firmly, but gently. I often whispered, as this catches the childs attention very rapidly. Describe what's happening to the child - "I'll stay with you until you're feeling better. It's okay to cry, but I won't let you hurt yourself or me".
When you manage the tantrum, instead of trying to stop the tantrum, you teach your child two things - that his angry feelings don't have to take control, and that no matter however difficult things are, you will always be there for him.
No matter how much planning you do some tantrums will happen, especially with children who are very sensitive.
Some days are worse than others. If you can see at the beginning of the day that it is going to be "one of those days" take some time out right at the start and do something relaxing with your child - take the time then to try and turn the whole day to a more positive tone. A small effort at the beginning can make all the difference. And at the end of an especially trying day, be sure to have some time for some positive moments to reconnect with your child and nuture your relationship. Take a walk together, read a book together, fill the bathtub with bubbles and make a bubble snowman, sing bedtime songs.
And remember - after you've gotten your child to bed take care of yourself. Dealing with a child who throws tantrums is also extremely stressful for you. The better you take care of yourself, the better you will be able to care for your child.
As the mother of three children, all of whom threw "big" tantrums, I can honestly say that these methods are tried and true. 25 years of mothering has shown me that punishment is no substitute for love, attention, patience, time, and above all, understanding.
Best of luck to you as you pursue the greatest job there is -
MOM!
Ketzel  |